Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[unbidden]

So sorry to hear this. But you sound strong and at peace. Take care.

[Breakdown]

Man I'm sorry to hear that Dingo. It really is an addiction and they have to really want to break it by being transparent and working on the M.

It doesn't mean there isn't any hope down the road, but I do think it means you need to go NC and really focus on you.

Hang in there.

[dingo]

Thanks for the responses guys. I do feel at peace. I'm sad and still struggling with trying to understand the chain of events that led us to this point. I suppose that's a futile effort.

I don't regret spending the last year standing for the marriage and trying to be patient with her while she struggled with things but I do feel like I knew this would be the outcome all along and I was just sticking my finger in the hole to try to stop the flood.

I feel like my instincts were almost always right - when I felt that she was going through the motions, she was. That's not to say that she didn't think she was trying, I am sure she did think that and to this day, still says she did everything she could. I just think in her mind, she never really wanted to work on it - at least enough to do the hard work that was necessary for results. I guess the analogy would be - if you want to lose weight but aren't willing to exercise and eat better, and maintain these habits long enough to have them start to work, do you really want to lose weight?

I don't know how much of this is OM driven or not. Its easy to say things could have been different if she was able to get him out of the picture. I think it all ties into the 'want' aspect though - if she really wanted to work on things, she would have been able to do that. To use another analogy - its a chicken or the egg kind of thing - was she not able to get over him because she didnt really want to work on the marriage, or did she not want to work on the marriage because she had another choice. Irrelevant I guess but just musing a bit.

[Breakdown]

Unfortunately, I can totally relate to your sitch. Focus on yourself and making your life what you want it.

I suggest going NC mostly because that was the advice I got....and didn't take. Looking back, that kept us in an unhealthy cycle and never let her feel the weight of her choices.

[dingo]

NC has been suggested to me before and the few times I tried it, she did 'come back' after pretty short periods of time - with all the promises of 'this time I mean it.' I got into the habit of making excuses for her after learning about what she was going through and some of the advice/comments here - 'she's confused' 'this is very difficult for her' etc.

I didn't stick to my guns when she did this and enabled her to waver back and forth - partly out of what I felt was compassion, but mostly out of just missing her and wanting her in my life and honestly thinking that this time she really does mean it.

Anyway - more reflections on past events. I am accepting of her choice even if I don't understand it and probably never will. I truly don't know if she will follow up with it and am dreading having to decide what I need to do if she doesn't.

[labug]

Ahh Dingo, it suxx but it will get better. I don't think you enabled her to waver, she was going to do that. It was difficult for you to protect yourself. I learned a lot about myself in relationships from my DB journey, I couldn't have learned those things any other way.

What have you learned?

What's your plan now?

[dingo]

Thanks again for your support Bug. My plan is this:
She's said she is 100% sure this is what she wants. She's said she is not willing to give up the OM and that its too late and we'll never work. She wants to get on with her life and divorce is the answer to that. I told her to do what she needs to do to make that happen. That's how I left it with her - nothing else was said.

I will not communicate with her unless its business related to the divorce or a genuine willingness to discuss our M with the intent to rebuild it. She has until 5/1 to get the divorce restarted or fully commit to the marriage (no OM, set plan for how to reconcile, etc). If she doesn't do either, I will restart the D. If she restarts it and has second thoughts, I'll give her 30 days from that point to proceed to the next step or fully commit.

I think this is the best I can do to not completely close the door to her but move in a definite direction at the same time. It may come across as still holding on to hope and I guess there's a part of me that does but at the same time, I think I really do understand her mind and where she's at better than I have before. I understand that its going to be a long time and I am pretty sure that I am not willing to wait that long without definable progress.

What have I learned? How long do you have?
I guess the most important lesson I have learned is how much easier it is to maintain a relationship than to fix one. A little bit of work every day is a lot easier than a lot of work all at once. A little bit of thinking before acting goes a long way. I look back at some of the things I did and really feel like I should have known better, but I just didn't.

[melissag]

None of us knew better, Dingo. The silver lining in all of this is that now we do. If it doesn't help you R with your W, it will help you somewhere down the road.

You sound like you are confident in your plan moving forward. I wish you the best, whatever that may turn out to be.

[dingo]

Thanks M. I caught up on your thread a bit over the past couple of days and it looks like you are confidently moving forward as well. I feel like we were kind of in the same 'class' here on the DB forums and its nice to see things working out for you - even if they are in a different direction than you originally wanted.

I was thinking about things a little more last night and one of the other things I learned during this is that while the affair wasn't a dealbreaker for me, the conscious decision to continue it (or the inability to 'control her urges') was a dealbreaker. What I mean by this is that I was really unwilling to let the affair fade out. I wanted her to make a decision to be with me and have the courage and conviction to stick it out. I was not willing to let her play the field and then come back after that didn't work out. That's my conviction and what I believed I deserved and what I felt was right.

People here like to use the phrase 'do you want to be right or do you want to be happy'? Implied in that phrase is that if you always try to be right, you won't be happy. While that may apply for things like, who should take out the trash or other everyday things, I don't think it applies to living your convictions. I tried to live counter to what I believed in and tried to be happy with it but in the end, I was terribly unhappy, stressed out and miserable. In this case, I needed to be right to be happy.

In a lot of ways, I do feel like a weight has been lifted. Things aren't going to be easy but I really feel like the future has limitless possibilities for the first time in a long time - meaning that its not just a mantra anymore, I truly do believe it.

I have stopped thinking about what I could have done differently since BD. Sure, I could have been more patient, I could have had less R talks, I could have focused less on the OM. Overall, I am very happy with my effort. I took a close look at how I acted in the marriage, I took accountability/apologized for behaviors, identified things to work on and applied myself to them. I am not the man only a fool would leave just yet but I am a lot closer than I was before.

I mentioned a few posts back that over the past month or so, I have developed a 'slightly more than friends' relationship with a woman I met over the winter. She and I were out a few nights ago and she said to me 'i think its really amazing that when I am talking to you, you make me feel like i am the only person in the room and you really listen to what I say without judging'. Contrast that with my wife who claims that I never listened to her and am overly judgmental. Sure, perspective plays a big part as does past resentments that I know my wife struggles to forgive (she still brings up grievances from 4-5 years ago as reasons why the M will never work)but it was really really nice to see some validation from someone else on a lot of the changes I have made and things I have learned. I know I have improved and changes, if my wife doesnt want to acknowledge them or give them a chance, its her loss.

[paul19510]

Bravo sir.