Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[labug]

Sandi, your face is so expressive.

Don't play poker.

[dingo]

lol - i assume thats a bad surprised face :P

I guess I dont know what to say/do right now so I am just taking it slowly. I didnt actively seek anything out but it just kind of happened. Mind you - nothing serious has happened beyond some hanging out with mutual friends and some phone calls/texts. Sometimes I feel like I am betraying the marriage, sometimes I feel like I am just hedging my bets and sometimes I feel like I am ready to move on. I guess I can kind of relate to what my W must have felt but I think the difference is that I was willing to work on things while she has not been. I don't know....lots of confusion right now....

[labug]

Nothing ever "just happens," remember what we say when a spouse who's having an affair says that.

Don't bring confusion into a R, it's not fair to the other person.

Otherwise, have fun!

[dingo]

Nothing ever "just happens," remember what we say when a spouse who's having an affair says that.

Don't bring confusion into a R, it's not fair to the other person.

Otherwise, have fun!

That's what I am taking my time for. I understand that I need to make a choice and stick with it.

[sandi2]

Dingo, please be careful. It takes time to get over one relationship before you're ready for a new one. I know you didn't say anything about a R, but they all start with hanging out with each other.

I bet it has been good for your ego. And yes, having a good shot to your ego can sometimes be confusing. That's how I got into an EA.

Just want what's best for you!

[dingo]

hi guys - I just wanted to post a quick update to my situation. Its been a week since my last post and nothing really substantial has changed. My wife still seems to be looking for a magic button (i guess like i was/still am(?)) and is a little frustrated that her feelings for me haven't returned. That seems to be her major complaint now - that she just doesn't feel in love.

Her actions are still pretty erratic. She'll tell me that we don't want the same thing anymore. I ask her what it is that she wants and she says she doesn't know/can't describe it. She'll tell me that she doesn't want to hang out but then will come over to the house and spend an evening watching our shows on DVR with me, will fall asleep with her head in my lap, etc. She'll tell me she wants a divorce because shes sick of not knowing what she wants and just has to pick a path and then a day later will ask to borrow some of the books I am reading so she can work through things more. All of the above mixed in together in a blender, and set to puree.

I have been very even keeled throughout it. I don't let the daily ups and downs affect my mood, what I say or how I treat her. I feel like I am patient and understanding and do just listen to her most of the time. Truth be told, I don't really have much new to say about it to her anyway. She reads relationship books, she has an academic grasp of affairs and now its up to her to do what she will. I have also found that if, when she is on the downswing and frustrated/wanting to get divorced, if i just say ok and not discuss it further, she comes back around faster than when I would address it head on.

I don't really know what the situation is with the OM. The last time she talked about it, she had run into him somewhere and he approached her. She told him that she had been hanging out with me again and that they still were not to talk. She did post some pictures of her and I together on facebook so I don't think she is hiding that from him. That being said, I don't think she is completely over him yet - hence (possibly) the lack of feeling for me.

So whatever - its not great but its not as bad as it could be. Am I detached? On a short term basis, yes. The general ups and downs of her journey don't really faze me anymore. However, I am definitely NOT detached enough that if she actually did start to take action towards the D, I would be ok with it. Something to consider and work on. I think my general mindset is that if she was really going to leave me for the OM, it would have happened a few months ago when they were really seeing each other a lot. She knows that she can go back to it and either 1. Call my bluff or 2. force me to push the D. I think/hope that she is still working through the end of that R and when she finally does, we'll be in a better position to address things.

So I know bug is going to ask me what this means for me. So preemptively, here goes: It means that I still have some detaching to do. It means that while the situation is relatively acceptable now (compared to where it was a month or so ago), its still not what I want - a committed relationship. It means that I still have to be patient and work on being ok without her. I still struggle with whether I should be darker than I am (we hang out about twice a week and we almost always have a great time together) or if I should be taking advantage of every chance I get to show her who I am and that we can have a good time together. I still have work on myself to do - mostly with wanting to be the fixer, and have all the answers and not really listening just to listen. Its coming along better and better every time though.

[labug]

So I know bug is going to ask me what this means for me. So preemptively, here goes: It means that I still have some detaching to do. It means that while the situation is relatively acceptable now (compared to where it was a month or so ago), its still not what I want - a committed relationship. It means that I still have to be patient and work on being ok without her. I still struggle with whether I should be darker than I am (we hang out about twice a week and we almost always have a great time together) or if I should be taking advantage of every chance I get to show her who I am and that we can have a good time together. I still have work on myself to do - mostly with wanting to be the fixer, and have all the answers and not really listening just to listen. Its coming along better and better every time though.

Good job!

When we start being introspective and pay attention, we can begin to have healthy Rs. We're able to think and feel and know what it is we're feeling. We respond instead of react.

It's going to take her awhile to fully let go of the OM fantasy. Let's face it, we all like fantasy, men read (look at ) Maxim, women (some) read the Twilight series. It removes us from the humdrum of our everyday lives.

How are you trying to add some of that to your R with her?

[dingo]

Thanks for the response bug.

I guess I don't really feel like I have the ability to interject too much fantasy at the moment. I am trying to keep things with her pretty light and non-threatening/pressuring. Our get togethers mostly consist of getting a meal or coffee and if we meet at the house, we will watch a movie or some episodes of TV series that used to watch together. We have also gone hiking once and rock climbing once - which is great but these are things we would have done a lot more under better circumstances.

Keep in mind that she still approaches and then pulls back. She will go dark for a day or two and then call or want to meet up. We'll get along great and talk every day for a while, maybe meet up a couple of times and then out of nowhere, she'll say she doesnt want to work on it anymore. Then a day later, shes sad and crying but still wants to get divorced. Then a day later, she wants to think about things some more and then a day or so later, we start hanging out again.

A good example of this type of dynamic is this: 2/13 we went out for dinner and had a really amazing time. It could have been one of our best nights even during the good times. That was the start of a bunch of good interactions that I mentioned above. About a week after that, she asked me how I felt about how things were going. I told her that I thought they were going well but that we still needed to take it slow. That I didn't feel like I was ready to jump back into anything and while I loved her, there were still a lot of feelings that I had to get back. She agreed and said that we shouldn't pressure ourselves to have those feelings back right away and that she was happy with how things were going as well. Then a week later, she says her feelings arent what they used to be and that she wants to proceed. All through this period, I am not being overly pressuring. I text her first sometimes, she texts me first sometimes. I havent initiated an R-talk or asked about the OM since sometime in January. About the only thing I have probably pressured on is to do more things on the weekend together - specifically hiking.

That being said, I do believe that the OM is at least out of the immediate picture. Her friends know that she has been spending time with me, she told him that she was spending time with me, etc. So for now, I want to be content with that and not push her back in that direction.

So - after all that longwindedness - Any advice on how I can add a little fantasy without pressure?

Whatever has been happening at least seems to be having some effect. I still don't know if i should be darker or less available though.....

[labug]

Are you sending flirty texts during the day? Not blowing up her phone but just simple things like "Thinking about you, had a great time last night" "Can't get you out of my mind" "You looked great" etc. Don't try to be someone you aren't, so flirt in the way that's you.

Try it and see how she responds.

[dingo]

So I just wanted to post a quick update. Its been a few weeks since my last post and really nothing much has changed. My W and I had a few weeks of somewhat regular contact. We texted or spoke most every day and hung out once or twice a week. Usually this involved her coming over to the house to watch TV shows and have dinner. Eventually I started to feel like I was the one that really wanted to get together and she was just going through the motions.

She left town to visit her Dad for a long weekend and our contact was pretty similar - spotty, initiated by me more than not, etc. I really started to feel like I deserved better and ended up sending her an email similar to one that has been a hot topic on these boards over the last few days. Basically saying what I wanted and needed and that I didn't want to feel like i was going through the motions or had to walk on eggshells every time I thought about contacting her or asking her to do something.

To make a long story short, her response was that she decided she wasn't willing to give up the OM, had been in contact with him while she was out of town, doesn't need a break from us (that just shows her that she can be ok without me - doesn't make her miss me, etc etc etc.

I was pretty at peace with that. Told her to do what she needed to do and hung up the phone. I believe that she will contact her lawyer in the next couple of days to get proceedings restarted and if she doesn't I think that I likely will. I feel at peace with this decision as well. I will miss some of the great moments we had but I think the last year has finally caught up with me. I was under the impression that we were a good 2+ months into no contact and I don't think I am willing to give that another reset.