melissa, continued part 2

[melissag]

Have you ever said " I find it hard to communicate with you because you frequently reject and invalidate what I say"?

Ya know, the direct approach?

I spent years saying this to him.

[bluesgal]

Oh M-this is so hard and frustrating. I spent the weekend with friends and had fun with their incredible family and pangs of heartache knowing that mine may never be like that again.

I agree with PM. Your H told you his frustrations directly. I can imagine you've spent years telling him how you felt and he didn't care/understand. I don't know how you get past that. This is a dynamic that you guys have probably always struggled with. I wish I could help and offer you advice. Instead just know that I'm thinking of you.

[melissag]

Well, I'll acknowledge that I have critiqued my H's communication style in the heat of the moment and probably in a more defensive manner many times.

But I have also tried to discuss with him calmly.

My H has never before expressed frustration that he couldn't talk with me directly and openly. I was never inaccessible to him before BD. If he wanted to talk directly and openly I was always game.

His response when I tried to talk with him about these things?

I begged - BEGGED him on so many occasions to please let me have feelings. To acknowledge that my feelings were valid because I have them.

Well, he told me, unapologetically, that when I had a complaint about something, he would evaluate it and decide whether it was valid, or if I had a "right" to complain about it.

I asked him to please stop saying "always" and "never," and to stop exaggerating things because it was very hurtful. He told me that was just the way he expressed himself and to stop criticizing him.

I asked him to please stop extrapolating from what I said and take my words at face value. He said that he has to extrapolate - that's a part of understanding what's going on.

And the list goes on.

Since BD, no, I have not tried to talk with him about this. At first, I was LRTing, so i never brought up anything about my own feelings. At this point, I feel like most of what I say - even though I still don't talk about my feelings, criticize him, or complain about anything - is met with anger, so I feel like it's just a bad idea to bring up anything like that right now. At this point, I feel like I am just trying to avoid unpleasant interactions.

[Wonka]

M,

Checking in on you, honey. How have you been lately?

[ye21]

Melissa

The biggest problem and the main problem that I get from your situation its something called "communication"
I might be wrong but I feel when you both talk its basically an exchange of judgements and pushing to be "right" , this is not a hard thing to change, you can actually start working on that and see if maybe thats the issue in your R with your H, what do you think about what I said?

[25yearsmlc]

How do you know this about the counselor he chose?!

You have a lot of preconceived notions about things. Interview her first. Call her or email her . If then she is not what you are looking for, you can say " I don't really think she is the best choice for our goal "


And, btw, who says she cannot vary her approach at all?

I bet she's not a one trick pony, and she's surely Not a mind reader.

All the counselors I know, WANT input from their clients about what each party involved, wants. Communicate with each potential counselor.

I think you may be reading what he wrote incorrectly. I think he has the same goal as you do. You just automatically assumed before talking to the C that she wasn't on the same track as you guys.

Slow down. He was giving a suggestion, he didn't say you had to chose her.

Why don't you suggest you guys pick a few, agree on a few questions you want to ask him/her to determine the right fit?

Good ideas^^^

[melissag]

M,

Checking in on you, honey. How have you been lately?

Hi Wonka, thanks for checking in on me!

I have been sooooooo ridiculously busy lately. With the kids of course - that's the good part. And then all the crap I have to do for the D. Producing all sorts of documents, all the financial info, ugggghhh. Trying to find a C for my kiddos, trying to research PREs in case it gets to that, trying to find a C for me and H to go to. Exercise and GAL and TKD on top of all that, and I have zero time to declutter my closets which has been on my to-do list for months now.

I'm kind of disappointed by the way my H is acting lately - I finally figured out the not so mysterious reason that he sends me cordial texts and then acts like a jerk to my face. Duh, M. He's not stupid - everything in writing is cordial. I don't know if he just despises me so much that he can't bring himself to look at me, or if he is trying to punish me by being a jerk (and does it really matter?), but surely my kids notice - it has happened every time we have seen each other for several weeks now. I just act polite and smile and let him wallow in his own misery. A friend of mine just got promoted in TKD so she is now in my class, which makes it more fun for me. I am also chatting more with another woman I train with, so that has been fun. It also means I get paired up with my H less frequently which is a relief.

I forget whether I posted this update here, but I realized several weeks ago that the text-fest with the married woman from H's gym (remember the 2000 texts in 5 weeks?) ended somewhat abruptly just after I filed, and right around when H started acting like a real jerk. He no longer seems like the happiest he has ever been in his life. Doubtful that it's a coincidence. I am getting the feeling that my R with my H is going to be the best when he is dating someone. Then his self esteem is getting propped up elsewhere and he doesn't have to look to me to blame for his unhappiness.

Also I got his financial statement and it is full of BS - basically trying to deflate his income and inflate his expenses I guess so he can pay me less. Some of it is shady (using his 2012 income which is a full six figures less than 2013) and some of it is just straight up lies - like he spends $500/month on clothes and shoes for the kids. He has bought them clothes precisely one time in the past decade. Ugh.

So I guess he is going to be a weasel and play games with all of this. It makes me so ill. On the plus side, it is helping me to detach more.

I have been working on getting my RE broker's license and law license reinstated and getting caught up with what's new in the field. I am not actively looking for a job but I am getting a tiny bit excited at the thought of finding something that I enjoy doing and making some of my own money. Ideally, I want to do something real estate related that enables me to work PT on a very flexible schedule so I can be there for my kids. I hope that's not too greedy and I can actually make it happen.

I am also looking into refinancing the house. I looked around a bit at rents and they are just crazy high right now - if I get a chunk in the D settlement that I can put into the house and refi, I will probably be paying less than I would to rent a smaller/older house in my neighborhood. I need to see how the numbers stack up . . . I would really like to stay here to minimize the disruption to my kids, but I don't want to be house poor to do it.

It feels kind of good to be moving forward with things, even though they are things I didn't necessarily want to do and certainly didn't plan on. Now if we could only put some sort of parenting plan in place, even temporarily, so I can plan more than three days in advance . . . .

I am trying really hard to get my kids into C - my D9 doesn't say much and claims to feel really fine with how things are, so that kind of scares me. And my S7 is very clingy and his teachers say he has been clingy and preoccupied at school.

I am looking forward to our beach trip - it will be really nice just to enjoy the kids and relax. I am hoping that there is nothing D-related that needs to be addressed right away (after our first court appearance on Weds.), because I would really like to tell my L and my H that I plan to enjoy my time with the kids and take a break from D stuff while we are out of town.

Baseball is coming (YAY!), the days are getting longer (YAY again), the weather is getting warmer. My new car should be here right when the weather gets really nice, and I am looking forward to that. I am beginning to feel better about my future, and even excited about some things, even though they don't include my H.

So that's my update!

[bluesgal]

Great update M! How weird to face the person you committed your life to across a courtroom. How sad for everyone.

You sound busy, but happier. I can relate to the cleaning thing. It feels so good to get rid of the clutter! I agree about keeping the home if possible. While a part of me would want to 'start over' I can also see so much less trauma to the kids if they keep some things the same. Esp the home they've grown up in. I swear that's why H hasn't divorced me yet...we'd have to sell the home and it would devastate the kids.

Keep up the good work, M!

[Underdog]

Hey Melissa!

Sorry I've been MIA - work, issues with kids and the estate have had me constantly busy offline. I didn't mean to stray for so long.

I know how hard this part of the process is. All I can offer is a cyber hug and the notion that it does get better. Right now he's posturing for battle (real or imaginary) and until he no longer feels the need to act out, you'll just have to leave him be and keep your eyes on your own road without giving in to his distractions.

Funny you mention the married woman... I have a friend who was married a really long time and she and her H divorced several years ago due to his chronic infidelity. She said she could always tell when George was single again, because he started picking fights with her and then finally escalated to trying to get her to try again. BUT when he's in a R, he's happy and kind and pretty much leaves her alone. Their youngest is now 19 and he has no real reason to contact her. They split amicably, share holidays with their new granddaughter, and just generally live comfortably. So I've found it interesting that she knows that much about her XH to figure out his patterns. You might be figuring them out subconsciously too.

Hope you're able to pull off the refi!

Now, go have a fabulous time at the beach, knowing that the home opener is but a week away. Yippee!

Betsey

[2ndTimeHurt]

What's going on Mel? How are you holding up?