Is this cake eating 16

[wishing, hoping]

Hey NLW

I just read about Madeleine Albright. Fascinating. I guess if she can make it, so can we, huh? Sounds like her ex had some issues as well.

My H blames everything on me as well. The fact the D has taken so long, the fact that he has no money, the fact that S is on the outs with him, the fact he is under scrutiny at his job, etc. All is my fault. And you know what? Fine. It's all my fault. Like you said you can't reason with a crazy person.

I wish I had that much power, you know?

WH

[NLW]

Hey all,

For anybody still following my story, a sort of finale.

Out of the blue, XH rang and told S15 he was coming over to speak to him in 2 mins time.

He arrived and shut himself in a back room with S15 and told him that he was getting married to OW.

I sort of knew that this was coming... two weeks ago we got repeated calls from FedEX saying that XH's parcel from USA was waiting to have customs duty paid on it before they could send it on.

Fed EX guy reported that it was "diamonds for XH name'.

Why on earth they had our home phone number after he hasn't lived here for 3 years, instead of XH's mobile, I don't know.

But anyway...

S15 was pretty much destroyed by the news and told XH that he hated him.

XH got on his high horse and yelled at S15 for 'abusing him'. Tried to drag me into it to chastise S. I didn't know about H's news at the time. He chose not to mention it to me at all.
And why should he I suppose.. I am nothing to him.

Anyway, XH left after 5 min in a huff and soon after S15 rang him to ask : "How can you spend so much money on diamonds for OW when you won't give D18 and I enough money to live on?"

XH refused to speak to S15 saying he was out to lunch at a restaurant with important visitors from overseas.

S15 was beyond angry, shaking and crying and continued to call. XH turned off his phone.

S15 texted him that he was coming to the restaurant (close to our home ) to speak to him.

XH must have sh-t himself, as when S got through to him on the phone about 10 mins later, he had left the restaurant and was driving somewhere.

S15 put his question again - How come you can afford diamonds when you keep telling us you have no money to give us? And how come you can be out to lunch at that pricey restaurant when you say you have no money?"

XH: "I have made a choice. I chose to give diamonds to the woman I love".

S15: "Why would you chose to spend money on her over me and D18?"

XH: Why do you think?"

S15: "Because she is rich and you are going to do to her the same as what you did to my mother".

XH then told S15 he had walked away from the marriage to me "with nothing", having left me with "Millions of dollars of assets including 2 cars".

(Change 'assets' to 'debts' and '2' to '0', and you'll have a clear idea of what I was actually left with)

As S15 gulped out, incredulous " Are you insane?"

The answer is, quite obviously, Yes. Completely.

So, a farcical ending to what has been, literally, an unbelievable life experience.

It's over.

[melissag]

You can't make this sh!t up.

Sigh. I'm sorry, NLW. For everything you have been through. Nobody deserves this, and especially not your kids.

I hope you find peace; and, when it's time, love.

((( )))

[labug]

I hope you can help your son through this. He's hurting, a lot. Maybe the 3 of you could do counseling together. I know you have no money but I can't imagine there isn't some kind of counseling offered.

If not, try AlAnon, it can be of help.

I wish you peace.

[bustingout]

I am so sorry NLW for what all of you have been through... I am so sorry for your son. With all my heart I am sending you love and praying for peace and harmony to enter your lives sooner rather than later.

This Sh1t is just heart breaking. Despite all that we have learned I still can't comprehend the pain and emotional abuse these walk aways can inflict on their own children.

(((((((NLW))))))

[keep_going]

NLW,

I am so sorry to hear about this.
You know I have followed your sitch from the beginning.
I know how much you are hurting and I wish it wasn't so.

Yet, I wanted to post to you to talk about your kids...


This has been a long and nasty saga with your H. I am not here to talk about what may be wrong with him (you have been focusing your energy and emotions on trying to figure that out for the longest time...)

Whatever is wrong with him is NOT your problem.
What you need to concentrate on is on how you can protect your kids.

Regardless of money and how things end, you have to help the kids. You have to try to provide peace and stability for them.

How?
From this post and many others before, it seems like your kids know all the details of your issues with your H. I know they are older and they obviously know you are struggling financially because they live that every day, but do they need the play by play?

For instance, how did your S find out that there were diamonds coming from abroad?

I know when we are in the middle of pain and grief we want to share and your kids being there makes it easy for us to rely on them for emotional support. Yet, the problem with sharing things about the M with them is that then they take on the role of trying to support YOU.

Most of the times, when there is a D, the kids end up taking on the burden and blaming themselves for it. It takes a lot of love, support and re-assurance of the contrary to dispel that belief.

If on top of that they learn on all the issues and they see you down and hurt and in victim-mode, that places even more of a burdern on them.

Throughout your situation, why have your kids constantly tried to take on the role of defending you?
That is NOT their place.

So I encourage you to ask yourself - What have I done through all of this that has put them in that sitch?
It's a very tough question, but you need to ask yourself.

Do not revert to the easy answer of - "MY H is crazy and they have seen it all through his actions."
Because there are a lot of things and details about your sitch that there was no way your kids would have found out just by your H's actions (like the diamonds).

Think about this - you could have just said that the currier was looking into delivering a package and had a wrong answer. End of story.

Don't you think that knowing that there were diamonds for OW added salt on an open wound that they have been witness of for so long?

Please - think about this...

In my opinion, your kids have been exposed to way, way too much on this D (by both of you). You cannot control your XH, but you can control you.

Show them a strong woman. Get out of victim-mode and teach them how to behave and deal with their grief in a healthy way. Because life will bring more of that now and later in their lives as adults.

For instance, where are you when they yell to their dad in person or on the phone or when your S threatens to show up at a restaurant? Do you think that is a healthy response to your son's pain?

PLEASE know that I am NOT trying to discount your son's feelings. He is IN MASSIVE, MASSIVE PAIN - and YOU can be the one to guide him thru how to deal with it in a healthy way.

Yet, in order to do so, YOU also need to learn how to deal with your own pain in a healthy way.

I urge you to immediately seek counseling for you and your kids - both individual and family therapy so all of you can find peace and emotional help so your lives moving forward are NOT defined by this most painful, painful situation.

Please - come back and post about the things you are doing to improve your life and that of your kids...

We have learned all the details of what an A-hole your XH can be (and so have your kids). In my opinion, way too many details.

He doesn't deserve this much space in your mind and your life (and that of your kids) and it has only kept you stuck.

You know I really care about you, NLW...
I want to see you and your kids HAPPY and THRIVING, not just surviving.

((((((((NLW)))))))

[labug]

I want to clarify when I said the 3 of you, I meant your D, S and you.

[keep_going]

Yeah, thanks Bug. I meant the same as well, counseling for the three of you, not with your H.

My point is to try to shield your life and that of your kids from all of your H's crazyness as much as you can. That in itself will be very difficult, since he does a lot of crazy things that hurt them by himself, so counseling as a family unit for the three of you could help bring a lot of healing.

((((((NLW)))))))

[wishing, hoping]

To those who have posted regarding NLW and her lack of shielding her kid's from her ex's insanity.

Just to clarify kid's are not stupid. My kids can see that their dad isn't normal. They tell me all the time that dad is mean to them. They cling to me when they are with me. You cannot shelter them from this kind of insanity. My six year old sees it and asks me uncomfortable questions. It is not easy. As I said on my own thread, I will do what I can to keep a relationship going between the kid's and their father, but I will be dammed if I will make excuses for him.

So please do not tell NLW that she isn't doing enough for her kids. It's hard enough to be the rock and try to do all the "right" things without others telling you that you aren't doing enough.

I think NLW has been abused enough. She needs our kindness.

I do agree counseling may help.

WH

[keep_going]

Wishing,

Thanks for posting and trying to defend NLW.
I wasn't attacking her at all, and perhaps I touched on a sensitive fiber in you...IDK.

Just to clarify kid's are not stupid. My kids can see that their dad isn't normal. They tell me all the time that dad is mean to them. They cling to me when they are with me. You cannot shelter them from this kind of insanity. My six year old sees it and asks me uncomfortable questions. It is not easy. As I said on my own thread, I will do what I can to keep a relationship going between the kid's and their father, but I will be dammed if I will make excuses for him.

I agree 100% that kids are not stupid.
I agree 100% that they see their dad's behavior (mine and NLW's and all of ours do).
Nobody is asking NLW to excuse, defend her H's behavior. I suggested that she doesn't add any more to their pain. I know it's not on purpose, but we can all fall into this trap.

Precisely because kids are NOT stupid, we need to be MORE careful of what we say to them, in front of them and when they are around. Because they are NOT stupid, we need to watch our actions and the example we set so they learn from us.

And I think NLW will be the first one to tell you that her reactions - in front of her kids - to things her H has said or done has not always been the best.

And that doesn't help them to deal with this situation.
And so that is why I asked - how did he find out about the diamonds? Or the trips and lifestyle and the things her H does when he is NOT with them - because somehow the kids have learned all that info - AND IT DOESN'T HELP THEM.


My point is that WE, as the "sane" ones, like NLW, can try to make this situation less traumatic and chaotic for our kids. My point is that WE don't need to ADD any more to the saga that our selfish spouses are bringing.

So please do not tell NLW that she isn't doing enough for her kids. It's hard enough to be the rock and try to do all the "right" things without others telling you that you aren't doing enough.

Wishing, I can understand that you don't agree with my POV. Yet, because I care about NLW and I have been with her thru her sitch from the beginning and because this forum is for us to provide help to each other, I will tell her how I think she can help her kids if I think it can provide some insight for HER.

No matter how good we are as parents, we can always improve and if I see there is something concrete and constructive she can do to help her kids, why can't I tell her?

BTW, Wishing, I never said she wasn't doing enough for her kids. That was your interpretation of my words.


Because we all know how abusive NLW's H has been, she and her kids need to learn how to deal with that abuse in a healthy way.
That doesn't mean NLW makes excuses for his B.

For instance - the way her H told their S about his M to OW - COMPLETELY SELFISH AND UNACCEPTABLE.

After H left, perhaps NLW could have approached it differently to help her son cope with such a traumatic experience.
(Which BTW, was ALSO very traumatic for NLW, since she didn't even know herself about the M or that H was planning to tell her son.)

She could have sat down and tried to talk to her S about his feelings and help him deal with them.

I asked NLW how she reacted and where she was when her S started calling H back and threatening to go to the restaurant, because that would have been a good opportunity for them to approach such a traumatic experience TOGETHER and in a healthy way, rather than her son lashing out at her H (which is the exact behavior that her crazy H has taught them all throughout all of this).

NLW's H is clearly not right. So she and her kids will need tools to deal with the next crazy move - and they will keep coming - after D, after he marries OW, and forever. So it is how SHE reacts and the example SHE sets for her kids that will make the difference here.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her that. The beauty of this forum is that we can get support, love, kindness and also well-indended and much needed different perspectives to our own thinking, which ultimately is what helps us grow.

NLW - I send you my love and a huge hug - you know where I come from. (((((((((NLW))))))))))