melissa, continued part 2

[melissag]

OK, 2x4 me if needed. Here is one thing I am concerned about.

We go to the counselor to talk about working through this parenting time issue. I talk to him about what I am thinking and all that, and then he just has all the info while not giving up anything himself. Kind of like showing all my cards and giving him all my power.

I don't want to make this into a game, but I distrust him with every cell in my body right now.

[melissag]

I am not assuming he is going to do anything, but so far, he HAS done things like this, so I have a reasonable fear of him doing it again.

I don't think I am explaining myself very well.

[melissag]

Yeah, my initial thought was, it would be fine if we had a "referee" of sorts; thus, the idea for the C.

I think it was the "I'd be happy to" response that freaked me out. I get suspicious when my H acts reasonable.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Melissa,

Sweetie, put your dukes DOWN. You are wrecking your present, and planning on a lousy future.

I strongly suggest you re-read the brilliant & compassionate novella that Keep Going posted to you recently. I got so much out of it myself, that I copied it, for me.

Now, let's take one thing at a time and not pile on so much fear on top of anger and "history", (which is simply another way for you to keep checking the marital score card... & still trying to predict the next event, still trying to control or manipulate the outcome, which you cannot do.)

OK, 2x4 me if needed. Here is one thing I am concerned about.

We go to the counselor to talk about working through this parenting time issue. I talk to him about what I am thinking and all that, and then he just has all the info while not giving up anything himself. Kind of like showing all my cards and giving him all my power.


Wow...that is some MAJOR negative projecting here...^^^.

Melissa, truly this^^ does Not help you. It sets you both up for a lose lose scenario. That set up is the direct result of your projections, which you must stop asap.

Use the tools Keepgoing suggested and that STOP SIGN needs to be in your face often...OKAY?

1) He already knows what you think. You have "showed your cards," repeatedly. So You are not giving out any information that is not already out there.

2) Oh & btw, Both of you MUST communicate your wants to the court, anyhow.

3) Who said He'll remain silent? Who decided he will Not speak up to express his wishes? That fear makes no sense to me. I'd think he'd want his fatherly interests all on record.

4) Who decided that speaking up means you give away power? It's just the opposite, b/c I think silence means you are pursuing no plan, & therefore gaining nothing.


I don't want to make this into a game, but I distrust him with every cell in my body right now.

But You are making it into a game. To you, it's a high stakes game of poker, played with a cheater. That perception hurts all of you.

I know you distrust your h. I get that.

But this isn't about you trusting him with your heart, it's about sharing the children you two have. They love & need their dad, probably more than he realizes. Possibly more than you realize.

So stop making this about you losing power or showing your cards, and start making it only about how to more smoothly transition your children into their new situation.

Melissa, You are the sahm. He's the "rich jerky professional who left his family". He has more to lose than you do.

Hey Melissa! Here me out before you turn on your Maximum Resistors.

You both will lose time with your kids, b/c he won't come home to them at night, or have them all weekends and some holidays. I realize that was HIS choice. We all get that.

But he's still going to experience loss. So are you & So are your children. That stinks, but it is what it is.


While you'll lose time with your kids, you'll also gain some free time.


Melissa, ^^ that sentence is an example of me taking a negative side effect, and admitting that there is also a positive dimension to it. It's not delusional. It's accurate, and it helps ME to have a happier life & disposition. I lose no power in here; I gain perspective and a PMA.

You can mourn the loss of dreams and hopes, but you ought not to wallow in them, and then blame him for all the negative possibilities that may never even happen.

Let's engage the fear/resentment based emotions now, for a minute.

What harm will come to you by expressing your intentions and goals, in front of a c? (Isn't it exactly what you wanted?)

What cards do you have, that your h has not already seen?

What do you really fear?

My guess is that your real fears are

1) he'll seem like a more involved father than you think he is,

AND OR

2) you won't look like the loving mother you are.

If he seems like a more involved father, it could be because he IS becoming a better more involved father, which you agreed would be a very good thing.

If you come off as an unloving mother, well, then I guess we'll find out that deep down you really are a monster sociopath and it'll ALL be revealed soon...

in other words, this^^ piece, is about you, & your self esteem and some internal issues you have not come to terms with.

IMO, You are not at peace with yourself. That's not your h's fault.

But it is your responsibility to repair your self esteem, and it's your work to do.

You cannot refuse to talk to him in front of a c, and look reasonable. If I were you, I'd want to assist in the selection of that c, and move forward. Stop living in fear.

[melissag]

Thanks, 25. I need to reread that a few more times and let it sink in.

First off, the counseling was my idea, so of course I am going to do it. I am nervous, though. As soon as my H said yes, the image popped into my head of going to MC several years ago, and all that hurt came back in my mind, and all that desperate wishing that we could fix our M and be happy, and it was just a flood of emotion and it scared the crap out of me, and I wondered, what the heck did I get myself into??

I'm trying to walk a line here. The one where I am not a bitter, resentful, negative person who assumes the worst, yet I am not a doormat, vulnerable, pathetic person either. Right now, the space in there looks very small to me. Like a tightrope, really. My H has taught me that I cannot be vulnerable with him. And I still haven't figured out how to not be vulnerable other than to be closed off. I don't generally think of myself as a black & white kind of thinker, but this one is killing me.

I'm an emotional person. It's embarrassing sometimes. (I cry when I hear other people's children sing at a school concert, at Budweiser commercials with dogs and horses, ugh.) I do NOT want to cry in front of my H.

I don't fear that my H wants to become a more involved father. I fear that if he is genuine (or acting like it), it will hurt. A lot. And yeah, I will admit, it does really hurt me that I spent YEARS wishing he would step up as a father, and he decided to leave me to do it. I feel like I have made so much progress with myself and my self esteem and getting back to trusting myself, but I'm not there yet when it comes to my H. I am still unbelievably hurt . . . but I don't want him to see it. That's the card I don't want him to see.

[melissag]

I see the point about not predicting an outcome, or going in with dukes up. I really do. And I have been able to do that in other areas of my life, with other people. Open heart, open mind. I think it does mean taking a bit of a leap of faith, and being a little bit vulnerable.

And, IF my H wanted to work on our M, rather than divorce me, I would be willing to do that, 100%. But he is divorcing me, and recently, he has used me being vulnerable against me. So how do I protect myself against that, without being wary of the possible negative outcomes?

[Wonka]

M,

Stinkin' thinkin' saps energy from your head, from your spirit, from your awesomeness...to what end?

Try to go to the first family counseling session with a beginner's mind. Yes, I would imagine that there may be some tension under the surface because of pent up anger, resentments, blaming, and emotions all over the place. This happens when two people, who have been fighting over a period of time, in the same room feeling dug in on their own POV, self-righteous indignation, and thinking that they have the "right" ideas of how co-parenting should look going forward in post-D life.

You can go in there with an open mind while still protecting your heart. That is a reasonable thing to do when you've been hurt by H countless times.

Before the S, you two did co-parent effectively, right? The only difference is the charged emotions and mistrust that is getting in the way of figuring out the BEST ways to co-parent together.
Which is why a neutral party can be a tremendous asset for the pair of you as you navigate through a "new normal" with separate households with school schedules, school vacations, fees, travel, sick times, emergencies, etc.

Trust the process with the family counseling. An excellent one will aid the process greatly. Do your homework and ask around for references.

You got this, baby!

[melissag]

Thanks, Wonka.

*In case anyone is wondering, I'm not really certifiably crazy - I am just not that good at figuring out where my feelings are coming from, so sometimes I go through a number of possibilities before figuring it out.

I am not sure that we co-parented effectively pre-BD. My H was very passive and didn't want to bother with most of the stuff involving the kids. So it was more like I parented and he went along with it. Well (based on what he has said to me), now the history in his mind is that he backed down and I took advantage of him, so he is not going to do that anymore.

I don't think that we will ever agree on some aspects of parenting, so they will just have to be different at at each home. I'm OK with that. He doesn't seem to be. I am hoping that he will simmer down a bit. I am hopeful that if we are able to talk calmly, he will see that I'm not trying to take the kids away or tell him how to parent or whatever it is in his head that he is fighting.

What I keep coming back to with the fear is that feeling of being small. I felt so small and insignificant in the M for such a long time. I have done so much work to rectify that and get myself back, yet somehow just the thought of sitting there with him makes me feel small all over again.

Yeah, 25 is right - that is my issue, and I need to keep working on that.

BTW, the ONLY thing I think is "right" about what co-parenting looks like in the future is that the kids are of the utmost importance. I am very fearful (based on my H's words and behavior lately, and even during the M) that this whole thing, to my H, is about him and not them. So yes, I think that does make me feel like I have to dig my heels in more, bc it's what I need to do to protect the kids.

[Wonka]

M,

Okay...I'll bite.

BTW, the ONLY thing I think is "right" about what co-parenting looks like in the future is that the kids are of the utmost importance.

What does ^^ that look like to you? Flesh out the specifics here. Sometimes if you really contemplate about your own 'thoughts' as how the "future" would turn out, those will be valuable clues for you to bring to the family counseling sessions. Break down in specific action steps on how you can facilitate it and contribute toward that effort.

And don't forget to put in some requests to H with specific detail on what you'd like to see from him. He cannot read your mind either.

That way you won't end up disappointed "thinking" that H shoulda/woulda done this and that....make sense?

[melissag]

I think he is going through some sort of personal " get my balls back" phase ( not because you took them, just because that's how he feels).

I agree 100%. I think I need to try to ride it out without raising his hackles too much (since that will only egg him on), and hope he chills out. That's why, thus far, I have let him do his thing and have STFU even when my tongue was bleeding from biting it.

I think he will definitely get tired of being an a-hole. The problem is, his default then is P/A. For example, the "peace" email he sent me was supposedly his "nice," but it included a bunch of P/A stuff - accusations, insults, blame.

I sure hope that at some point he will figure this stuff out, but I highly doubt it, so I hope that at least at some point I won't be so emotional about it and I'll be able to roll my eyes and move on.

You will agree on things, and others you will disagree on. And sometimes, if it doesn't harm the kids, you got to let him win one.

Yes. I truly haven't said boo about anything other than the field trip, because I felt very strongly about that. The boundary in my head is to STFU unless it's really important. I didn't used to do that. Perhaps at some point my H will recognize it.

It is amazing how much more sane I am after yoga and TKD (especially on non-H TKD nights.)