Hi M! I hope that things are going okay! I thought of you and your kids yesterday while watching Frozen (twice) with my kiddos.
We went to see Frozen, mainly because you've seen it so many times I figured it must offer something. It did! (Good call!)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"I've always loved the idea of summer, and sun, and all things hot . . . "
So I learned today my H refuses to agree to a temporary parenting plan of any sort unless I agree to begin 50/50, 5-2-2-5 on a set date. (My last proposal was that I agreed to his temporary parenting plan and schedule but said we should see how the kids do and make appropriate changes if needed in late May. I am trying to keep it about the kids, he seems to be keeping it about himself.)
Sigh. So the next step is to get a PRE. I am going to talk with my L tomorrow morning to see whether that is a hoop worth jumping through (and paying for).
It would be much easier if I could discuss this with my H, or if he would listen to what I say, accept that what I say is true, and have a rational discussion about it.
So tonight I asked him if he would consider going to counseling, not to talk about our M, but to help us to have a good co-parenting R going forward, for the sake of our kids. I highly doubt this is something he wants to do, but I am not sure he can say no given that he is supposedly looking out for the kids.
I had IC today, and my class (it's kind of a self-empowerment class for women in transition, and it has been awesome), and I realized some things I need to work on. My biggest block right now is fear and not trusting myself. I used to be very confident and had a great sense of self. It is still there, but has been so rejected and undermined by my H, slowly over the years, that I am afraid to take it back, because it is easier to believe the negative things he thinks about me than to risk believing in myself and then getting emotionally annihilated again.
^^^ That is where I need to go in IC. I am definitely a lot better than I was just after BD (or really, for many years before BD!), but still have a long way to go.
I don't think that my H is a terrible, bad person . . . I think that he probably was attracted to me because of my strong sense of self, but then it felt threatening to him so he tore it down. (FTR yes, I know I had my part in things and hurt him too.) It makes me sad because there is that side to him that I adore, and there was a part of our R that was so great. In fact, I am very nervous at the thought of counseling bc I don't want to have any tender feelings toward him again. Too hard.
In other news, we all passed our belt testing in TKD - woot!
I should go to sleep because I have to wake up early to clean up for the cleaning lady . . . how weird is that?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I highly doubt this is something he wants to do, but I am not sure he can say no
Other than thoughts believed and the images in your head, where is the proof of past or future?
Melissa.... "I found that my unquestioned assumptioms where the cause of all wars and peace in my world"
Now one more: Toughts have no power over us untill we believe them...
Now keep positive, no expectations and shif to work towards yourself...pray to your Higher Power saying something like: Lead me the way you would like me to go, I will show up and let the results not guide my actions...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
HI Melissa I read all of your posts. I seem to relate to your situation so much because it seems so similar to mine. I think of what you are going through often. I am completely with you on the 50/50 custody and on the "it hurts if he's nice" "it hurt's if he's not" You seem to be a very very strong person.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
My H said he would be "happy to" go to counseling with me.
Good!! Now go research an awesome C that will be a good fit. You dont want someone who is going to just sit and stare at you all while you go at each other. Maybe start with your L and see if he has any recommendations for a C trained in this area.
My H said he would be "happy to" go to counseling with me.
It scares the sh!t out of me.
Why?
I can go into this with an open mind and be ready to listen, but I would be an idiot not to be scared of this.
Because I have been protecting myself emotionally by limiting my contact with my H and choosing to be with people who are safe for me. Going into a room with him feels like entering a lion's den.
Because I am afraid that if I even sit down in a room with my H, and worse, if he is actually well behaved (which I imagine he will be in front of a C), I will get sucked back in emotionally and it will send me backwards in trying to move on from him.
Because I am afraid to be vulnerable around him since he has recently taken things that I told him in vulnerability and thrown them in my face and used them against me.
Because if all I do is STFU and listen, as I have been doing the past 6 months, my needs will still never be met.
Because my H has been on a warpath and I am afraid that if I open up to him, he will use it against me.
The list goes on.
I am not sure, if we do this, what to do. Just talk about the issues at hand and not talk about anything emotional?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I won't predict the outcome. I will try to hope for the best while expecting nothing. But I do think I need to protect myself. Just not sure how to do that in counseling . . . I feel like that is where you need to drop that stuff.
Being vulnerable is scary - but is it necessary or stupid?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
