Upwards - DB myself to happiness!

[Upwards]

Mimi00 - thanks I intend to do just that having my nails done today & going to spend some time thinking about where I want MY life to go.

gogofo - thank you, I hope your talk is productive but don't give up if it's not as we've had many unproductive ones and it's just because H wasn't ready or in the right place, frustrating that's it's all about them though but unfortunately it is.
I'm nervous today after thinking about everything, when he left I felt positive but now I've had chance to panic & anxiety is creeping in. Not spoken to him since so no idea how he felt it went either but he did say he needed to think about everything so I don't want to pressure him at all.

[Breakdown]

I'm nervous today after thinking about everything, when he left I felt positive but now I've had chance to panic & anxiety is creeping in. Not spoken to him since so no idea how he felt it went either but he did say he needed to think about everything so I don't want to pressure him at all.

No decision, by him or you, is the end all, so try not to think of it that way. These things tend to ebb and flow so don't let your emotions get tied up in the success or failure of the day (or the what ifs).

Sounds like your conversations are improving....keep the changes going, keep validating and really listening.

[Upwards]

No decision, by him or you, is the end all, so try not to think of it that way. These things tend to ebb and flow so don't let your emotions get tied up in the success or failure of the day (or the what ifs).

Sounds like your conversations are improving....keep the changes going, keep validating and really listening.

I know, I need to take a step back and look at the progress instead of panicking. I'm worried he'll choose to remain in contact with her and in turn mean we cant be friends, that would hurt a lot but I know there's no point in us "being friends and seeing what happens" whilst he's doing the same with her!

He called earlier regarding work. I said thanks for talking last night and he said "thank you too, its given me a lot more clarity on the situation" so I'm not sure what that means....? We both agreed that we need to talk more again soon so will leave him a few days before I bring it up again, also give us both more chance to go over what we discussed.

Its been really difficult but I'm beginning to find listening much easier and validating his feelings/emotions is coming more natural too - the more I listen, the more my respect for him grows because I understand the process he's going through.

[Upwards]

Very anxious today, struggling... he's always been my rock and the one to support me when i'm struggling, its so hard not to reach out to him

Been trying to keep busy and distract myself but it doesnt help, any tips on how to NOT reach out to them?

[Breakdown]

Very anxious today, struggling... he's always been my rock and the one to support me when i'm struggling, its so hard not to reach out to him

Been trying to keep busy and distract myself but it doesnt help, any tips on how to NOT reach out to them?

Probably the best deterrent is to think about how he would respond to it. He's not going to respect you for it, won't find it attractive, and therefore, it won't bring him closer to you.

Once you get your hands around that, then GAL....go do something for you, learn something new, visit an old friend, exercise, take a walk, etc.

[Upwards]

Probably the best deterrent is to think about how he would respond to it. He's not going to respect you for it, won't find it attractive, and therefore, it won't bring him closer to you.

Once you get your hands around that, then GAL....go do something for you, learn something new, visit an old friend, exercise, take a walk, etc.

Yeh that's what it's been thinking, that's what's deterred me so far. It's difficult as far as GAL in the evenings because I'm stuck at home as the kids are in bed but I'm GAL as much as poss when I can, just trying to keep myself busy & distracted at the moment.

[Upwards]

Today my mantra is "I am strong" and I'm going to use it whenever I start to think negative thoughts... To GAL today I'm going to pamper myself, catch up on some paperwork (yawn!) and look into a photography course id like to do.

[Upwards]

he thought for a while then asked could be try and be friends and see what happened... I said that I'd like to do that although I am unwilling to do that whilst he's still in contact with this other girl and that is a firm boundary that i'm unwilling to move on.

I'm unsure on how to handle this... I know a lot of DB'ers are happy to continue being "friends" with their spouse whilst there is still OW/OM on the scene but this is something I just cant do. I'm quote possibly handling this all wrong - I've been a mug and let him walk all over me for a long time so this kind of feels like a 180 for me as i'm laying down my boundaries and sticking with them.

This was obviously something that we discussed when we talked and he agreed it wouldn't be fair to expect me to do that and said he had some decisions to make... I mentioned today that we needed to get logistics in place for NC/LC and he asked why, I replied "you know why" and left it at that then text him when i'd left saying:

"H, I want you to know that if you choose not to cut contact with her and want to move forwards with her then I understand and I will leave you to your life, I care about you a lot & truly want you to be happy and if that's without me then I respect that x"

What do I do from here?!! I have no idea if i'm doing the right thing or not to be honest - any help very much appreciated!

[Tarheel]

Upwards, to your question in my thread about confronting W about A- I knew from shortly after BD that there was an EA with OM, even though W denied that it was anything but a friendship. Over the past several mos, I discovered that he had strong feelings towards her, but I did not bring it up as I had not seen anything saying that her feelings were mutual. It wasn't until 2 weekends ago, when I came across several things that told me she had strong feelings for him and that some type of R was there, that I finally confronted W.

After revealing what all I had seen, I told W that she had to choose because I wasn't going to wait around or be the 3rd wheel. Looking back at it, I didn't give her any kind of deadline or no contact 'rules' though. This past weekend I also asked about the seriousness of the R and reiterated that I wasn't going to be involved in a triangle.

While I feel that confronting W has worked for me in that I feel like I've finally forced her to take action, I can't say I recommend it to everyone. Others on here say it's only pushed their S further away. I just decided that I couldn't take it anymore and needed to say something.

I'm in a similar situation as you in that I feel like W is now wanting to be friends and see how things go, but I don't want to do that if she's going to continue contact with OM. Per Sandi2's advice, I think I'm going to see how the next week goes before issuing a no contact ultimatum.

[Breakdown]

I think there are two questions here....1) what boundaries should I implement and 2) what should I do for best odds of saving my M.

Regarding boundaries, I think it's largely dependent on what you can live with. Boundaries and meant to protect you, so you draw them at where pain starts, or where you refuse to take more. It's not about punishing your spouse....it's about protecting you.

With regards to how to approach the issue of OW, it's tough. I dealt with this myself for a long time, and am really only starting to truly get it. I think Denver posted this in one of my threads or a year or two ago:

Plan A - Get along with cheating spouse, show them legit changes, don't rock the boat, be kind and loving, be the person that the cheating spouse fell in love with... essentially be the rock... the lighthouse home.

Plan B - Take all of that away from the cheating spouse. No contact except for "bills and boys" as J3B coined it.

I did Plan A first...for a long time....until I felt like I had become the man only a fool would leave. Only at that point did I decide to go to Plan B. And honestly, I've waivered on Plan B (which is in essence a boundary) many times....each time only to be disappointed and hurt.