You have tons of wonderful people posting you with really good stuff!
So, yeah, I spent many years trying to convince him that I was a good person. That what I have to offer has value.
^^^ That summarizes your current worldview and keep trying to get some words of praise from H. Which you, and all of us, know is a futile exercise. How about changing YOUR perspective to this:
My self-worth is not derived from the approval of others on how "good" I am. My true self-worth is based on HOW I feel about myself and how comfortable I am in my own skin irrespective of WHAT people think of me.
That is self-assurance and self-confidence. For me, I am not too bothered by what other people say about me. I just ignore all that chatter because they don't know the true situation of my life and the choices I make that reflect the true authentic ME.
M, once you've worked on this aspect of yourself...you'd be surprised with discovering that those buttons will be rendered practically useless and H will no longer be able to get under your skin. You need H's approval?? F*ck that!!
Now on to two other matters.
I am thinking it would be a very good idea to get the children and H into regular sessions with the child psychologist. The reason for this is that she will be a neutral third party and can pretty much hone into H's skewed view of co-parenting...especially minimizing his kids' concerns left and right.
Since H is mostly concerned with 50/50 custody, I'd recommend that you work quickly with the L to settle that part so H will see for a fact that he has 50/50. Now, will he take advantage of it is something that you'll monitor. A lot of the times, from what I've seen here, is that H's discover that it is ALOT of work to manage the children on their own and the time will usually shift to the WAS. Just sit still and bide your time, M.
Then later on, you'll work out the financials, separation of assets, etc. with the L. From my own perch, I think it is essential to get that 50/50 custody out of the way as soon as possible. That will be removing one 'perceived' barrier to H.
One other thing I wanted to expand on, about my conundrum WRT how to deal with my H:
I can tell myself that my H's spew is not about me, that it's about him. And I can just treat him like a normal person and let him deal with the fallout if he can't act like a normal person. But that is what got me into trouble in the first place in the M.
Treating him like a normal person and having the same expectations I would of someone who is well adjusted does not work with my H. Because he doesn't look inside himself. He doesn't come to this board and say, "hey, what am I missing here?" He just gets more and more angry and blaming.
OK, you might say, who cares? Let him deal with it. Yes, but - I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. And the thought of doing it this way sounds overwhelmingly frustrating to me.
It makes more sense to me to try to figure out a way to deal with him that works. I just have no idea how to do that.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Emotions are high and very fraught during the D. This will not last for the rest of your life. In time, all of this will die down. I only have to look at Bets and Mr. Wonderful plus my own parents IRL as examples.
Keep on treating H with kindness and respect. Be consistent on this regardless of H's anger. His anger is his to own. Remember when your kids went through the terrible 2s phase, you did not take on their anger or be affected by it at all, right? Likewise with H.
"Treating him like a normal person and having the same expectations I would of someone who is well adjusted does not work with my H. Because he doesn't look inside himself. He doesn't come to this board and say, "hey, what am I missing here?" He just gets more and more angry and blaming.
OK, you might say, who cares? Let him deal with it. Yes, but - I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. And the thought of doing it this way sounds overwhelmingly frustrating to me.
It makes more sense to me to try to figure out a way to deal with him that works. I just have no idea how to do that."
I can totally relate to that. Here's what I'm working on...
I just found out my ex is planning a trip to Mexico. She hasn't told me. She has no money. Does she expect me to take care on s3 myself? I pretty much already am. Which brings up, what kind of mother is she? She claims she's a great mother. I don't doubt that she loves s3, but how can she justify calling herself a great mother. There's a lot of things she does that rubs me the wrong way.
How am I dealing with this mess? Lots of frustration thats for sure, but I keep reminding myself she is sick. Really mentally unstable right now. She's possessed it seems. Thinking this way helps me get over most of the things that piss me off. It still s*cks but it helps. I find that I end up reacting compassionately towards her. Example, last night she told me she was arguing with her mother. I just said if she needs a validating ear I'm here. She ended up calling me and talked about it. I just validated and didn't tell her how wrong she is and how right her mom was. Is that possibly enabling her bad behavior? Maybe...
Point is. If you view your h as having a mental illness(or whatever way works for you), it may help you become less reactive to his a-holeness.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
I am thinking it would be a very good idea to get the children and H into regular sessions with the child psychologist. The reason for this is that she will be a neutral third party and can pretty much hone into H's skewed view of co-parenting...especially minimizing his kids' concerns left and right.
Well, I can't get H into anything he doesn't want to do. I am going to get my kids into counseling, but the C I found can't get started seeing them for another few weeks.
I have contemplated agreeing to talk with H since he seems to want to talk, but only if we do so in a C session. Haven't decided whether to do this or not. Would love any opinions/insight.
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Since H is mostly concerned with 50/50 custody, I'd recommend that you work quickly with the L to settle that part so H will see for a fact that he has 50/50.
Nope. I am NOT agreeing to 50/50 physical custody. Joint legal custody, yes. Physical 50/50? No. Not right now. I do not believe it is in the best interest of the kids. And I am not going to screw them over in order to make my H happy and less mad at me.
I'm not worried about the terms of the D. I have my L for that, and he is awesome. I also think that H's lawyer will help inject some reality for H as far as that process goes.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I'm just catching up and I may have missed something. I know you have had some challenges with h, but does he not think the kids are struggling with their parents being apart? I read where he told them he will be gone for another year. I saw you mention his skewed view of coparenting and I wasn't sure if there was a specific reference or if I missed something...
Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Nope. I am NOT agreeing to 50/50 physical custody. Joint legal custody, yes. Physical 50/50? No. Not right now. I do not believe it is in the best interest of the kids. And I am not going to screw them over in order to make my H happy and less mad at me.
I am not understanding why you feel strongly this way. I mean, H isn't a danger to the kids..as far as we know.
How is it different from joint legal custody other than semantics? Maybe I am wrong here.
I do not believe it is in the best interest of the kids.
Based on what? Are the kids in real physical danger here?
Believe me, I am not here to bash you...I ask these ^^^ questions in order to peel away the layers of self-protection and really look at the true reasons for this mindset you currently have.
There are a couple of themes that are standout in your posts here. Examples:
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So, yeah, I spent many years trying to convince him that I was a good person. That what I have to offer has value.
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can tell myself that my H's spew is not about me, that it's about him. And I can just treat him like a normal person and let him deal with the fallout if he can't act like a normal person. But that is what got me into trouble in the first place in the M.
You take on the emotions of other people. If your H thinks something about you, you believe it. And then you try to fix it and then it's still not right. (what k_g said about many of us being in your shoes, is true. So please take this in that spirit) You're lacking in internal boundaries, to be able to live life with the rock-solid belief that "this is who I am, I'm happy with me. You're not? That's fine but I'm not changing to suit you."
If we can't love ourselves, we can't believe others can truly love us; if we can't show grace to ourselves, we can't believe others could bestow grace on us; if we don't value ourselves, we can't believe that others value us.
You haven't found that place yet. You don't yet really see and believe your worth. You haven't unearthed Melissa. It takes a while but keep doing the hard work and you'll get there. The hard work includes not seeing suggestions that sting as "you suck at this" but as a signpost to something that needs healed.
If I'm wrong about that, and you were secure and grounded in your worth but your H couldn't deal with that, then he's not good R material.
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OK, you might say, who cares? Let him deal with it. Yes, but - I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. And the thought of doing it this way sounds overwhelmingly frustrating to me.
Slow your roll! Everything changes with time, you have no idea what your future communication will be like with your H, so don't go there. (that's a little of your control popping up). It's amazing how communication between people can change even when only one person feels safe. And as that one person feels safe, they begin to feel strong enough to provide a safe place for the other person.
A tip, when you're communicating with H, as 25 said, keep it short and focused and don't allow yourself to be redirected. "H, we need to talk about X and I have only 15 minutes before I have to go to yoga." If he veers from X to Y, bring it back to X. Be calm and respectful, don't feel sorry for him, or worry about his feelings, or be concerned that he won't like you or see you have value. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.
And just a word about expectations, you have lots of them about yourself, about your H and about people here.
Drop them all. Chaos won't ensue.
About the buttons, you didn't do it purposefully and my buttons are solely my responsibility. But thanks for making me dig a little deeper.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Nope. I am NOT agreeing to 50/50 physical custody. Joint legal custody, yes. Physical 50/50? No. Not right now. I do not believe it is in the best interest of the kids. And I am not going to screw them over in order to make my H happy and less mad at me.
I am not understanding why you feel strongly this way. I mean, H isn't a danger to the kids..as far as we know.
How is it different from joint legal custody other than semantics? Maybe I am wrong here.
I do not believe it is in the best interest of the kids.
Based on what? Are the kids in real physical danger here?
Believe me, I am not here to bash you...I ask these ^^^ questions in order to peel away the layers of self-protection and really look at the true reasons for this mindset you currently have.
I get your mother feelings about this, I really, really do.
But in the other part of your brain, why?
I echo Wonka, are they in danger with your H and are these things that were significant enough to be addressed during the time of your M?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
your doing amazingly well.