Perhaps I should have said Pietist, patriarchal, and morose instead of German...
I think anger at your H is appropriate given that he expects you to do all the house stuff - is he doing something that makes up for this? You mentioned he is helping you find a place to live?
Do you know Essen already? There is lots of good bike touring just north of there. Duesseldorf has about two dozen meetup groups.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Is he helping.. he looks at places I find and sayz they look O(.I asked him to look at place.. haven't heard back. So no I think he iz just looking after him... So today I bought some new clothes, cleaned, dusted, washed, took the things I could carry to the rubbish dump.. had the guy there make some rude comment I think.. the Frankish was too fast bought 17 bags of mulch. A young boy helped me load it in the car . I spread where I thought it should then spent 2 hours crying because I am doing this alone...and I texted him to ask about things and he could not be bothered to answer.
Dusseldorf has lots happening just have to get there.. Thanks Luke..
Yes and thanks for asking.. Just trying to figuRE out us.. again. He said he would come and look at apartments then sends a list of when he is free... Sunday afternoon in 2 weeks.. I think I will go alone.. I have asked for a definitive answer.. Is he helping or not.. simple question.. es ist fuer mir wurst...
Divorce law is interesting.. I get part of his pension, plus we take back what we brought to the marriage and then divide the rest..sux to be him.. My inheritance paid half the house..he forgets that I take ALL of that when we sell.. so I will have 3/4 from the house sale. We could have one lawyer but I think if he is going to push it then I will be adversial..and my rechtsanwalt is something else. Money wise I will be fine..
I hope it doesn't come to that... I am backing off more and more, giving more space just the one phone call each week.. He is here for 4 days in 2 weeks so I need to develop a plan not to cry..
How is it with you? When is the day out with your daughter. And the I terview in NY? I have 2 weeks holiday in April ..I think I hear the Alps calling Hope all is good.. Do you find giving space helps the relationship. L
Yes, space is good. You might feel lonely sometimes, but the pressure is off, and some clarity may come. Go have fun!
Day out with d16 will be during Easter vacation. Interview for NYC job went okay, but someone else got the job (no problem - I wouldn't have wanted to move anyway - it was interesting to hear about the work in any case).
I am traveling from this weekend to the next, so will only occasionally be able to be online. Have a good vacation if we do not post before.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
So I am generally in a better place and generally happy with everything except my marriage! I have set boundaries for me.. he talks about how he is in a bad place.. actually is mor eopen about how he feels but much less open about what he does with his days.. I don't care or see any point in pursuing by questioning.. which was a big deal for me.. We have not had R talks but talks about relationships.. ie he was stating that asking questions about his day was controlling..he listened when I explained from my perspective it was caring and when he did not ask it felt like he did not care.
we talk a couple of times a week.. he works long days.. I do not ask how he spends his weekends.. my boundary.. i do not want to hear..
I am wondering how to deal with or not his accusations.. that I am trying to manipulate him.. he actually sees most of the world trying to manipulate him
so I ignored a few.. but he saw that as me agreeing that my request is manipulative..
The last manipulation on my part was in an email.. he is helping me find a new apartment.. we were trying to find mutualy convenient times.. My comment was I will say what I need he can say what he needs or wants or can do and then we can figure out what is possible as far as dates, times, places.. his reply was " and u get what u want"...
I was going to leave it but I will not agree through silence that i am manipulative or controlling..
I said that felt unfair to me. my proposal was we listen to each other and find a place we are both happy with..
Is there other ways of wording this. I did not want to sound aggressive or accusatory.. I wanted to write HOW UNFAIR etc.. but did not any other ways of wording this sort of comment
I like how your talks are more honest, that is good. Not asking what he does is good too - it gives him space.
If he feels manipulated just by talking to you, perhaps you could ask him what sort of talking or relationship would not make him feel manipulated. To put it in engineering terms, what "interface between you" does he want?
For talking I would recommend what I learned at EE: ask for 100% of what you want 100% of the time, but be willing to negotiate the difference. Your H should do the same too. Ask him what he wants - he should state this, and then you meet somewhere in the middle.
U don't get what you want, you each get some of what you want. Your proposal was very good, basically the same as mine here.
I have a strong feeling that getting him to be open could be very useful for both of you. Maybe it would be useful to ask him how he wants to do this, heck, you could write it down beforehand, and then each person reads it out, this to avoid any possibility of him saying you are adjusting your tactics to get more.
HOW UNFAIR is not good, watch out for the feelings stuff until you have it under control and thoroughly processed. Your goal should be to define a goal or perhaps a set of alternatives, individually first, and then together, and work toward them. Expressing your feelings is good, I think, but at the right time and place.
This post is scattered - sorry - but hopefully somewhat useful - Luke
Can you identify what initially attracted him to you? If so, perhaps this is worth working on?
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
good advice and I like the idea of asking what sort of talking should happen so he is not feeling manipulated. I agree too with open but how to do that He has never been really open..keeps things to himself...obviously brooding over them but never mentioning things until now.. and some of them were not rewriting and were real issues and should have been discussed but I did not realise they were a problem.
I suspect we re working at cross purpsoes.. he is trying to end our relationship.. I am trying to .. I was going to say save but more reinvent.. I knowpursuing will not work so the idea of space.. Big day Sunday.. together all day..let'S see how that works..
calm calm calm..no R talk
What attracted me to him. Good question because I hung on every word he said.I think questioned nothing..praised
My tulips were out today Luke and I thought of you. Last year I planted a white garden but a stray yellow one must have got in there some where they are all pale lemon this year.. enjoy the Spring
I will think on the attraction idea.. I sure was not assertive or in control.. iwas happy to let him do all the control..
were you ever accused of controlling when you did not think you were? My husband sees everything as controlling.. I agree I did but I work so hard not to now .. even a simple request is controlling..or a question.. that requires an answer.. could you be able to help me choose a:::---that was controlling!?He says he will do as he likes, take care of himself. I agree I dont want to control him..but asking is controlling and truly either answer is fine.. yes I will no I wonT..both are fine then I know if should I factor him in or not.. how do I avoid these accusations. If I do not ask he will feel unappreciated.. maybe- I guess I should not mind read..if I ask how he feels about being left out he will say I am controlling.. any advice .. happily received..S
