Loualea I didn't start this....

[LuckyLuke]

Lou -

I'd go out to do something fun, and invite him along; getting out of the house may do you both good. Have you read DR or DB?

If he doesn't want to come, you can still have fun. Lots of good movies out just now - The Past was very good, as was Dallas Buyer's Club.

Do you have a female friend there that you can do something with?

It is important that you be attractive/happy when he is around - make him realize what he is missing!

Luke

[loualea]

Luke
I really try..to be more attractive, not cry.. though that is hard..I hate that I cry..

This part of Germany is quiet.One 1 theatre 30 minutes away.

One of the things I haven't done is make a lot of new friends here.
Bad mistake.. my H was my best friend we spent our free time together..
He is driving 5 hours to get here.. he doesn't say why.. I think to organise selling the house..but it seems rude to go out..if it was more regular I would go out.

So I need to be disinterested in his life..in his recent holiday..
His first without me in 15 years...blah.. I should not have thought of that.

thanks for following up Luke.. I hate this useless out of control feeling..

[LuckyLuke]

Any Vereine near by? Wanderwege? How about biking? More radius of action! Do you have your own car? See if you can get more control of what is going on... think and use the tools you have.

You know, at some point your sadness will probably have some anger added to it. Maybe it will help to focus more on the anger and not the sadness, especially given your H's behavior.

Luke

[loualea]

HI Luke

Good advice.. anger would be easier I think..
I have a wandern trip planned in June..probably alone... good for the soul..above the Koenig See.

Weekends are the trick.. all of them, when he is here I am tense, when he is not I am lonely.. I know it is not about him..but seems to be.

Once the house is sold and I have moved I think I will better get myself a better life.. at the moment I know this is a temporary time and place..and hard to motivate my self..

So HELP with Sandis rules
1. NO PURSUING,REASONING ETC.. is asking how he feels pursuing. He has had depression problems..

If I ACT AS IF he says I am acting as if nothing has happened.. and he finds that annoying

IF I DON'T START A CONVERSATION BUT WAIT FOR HIM there is no conversation then he is annoyed we haven't talked...I remind him he can talk I am ready to listen but I have always talked too much..he too little... this is a hard pattern to break.

WE LIVE APART PHONE CALLS USUALLY MADE BY ME he seems ok with the contatc usually, the coach said to keep them co sisntent regular and light and breezy...60 % of the time that works..is the calling pursuing?

I am good with not questioning about whereabouts these days or reassurance..
Just unsure how asking about feelings/emotions looks..

Any help or advice ..dealing witha WH with OW wno is only here once a month?

[LuckyLuke]

Hej Lou,

How is your H's English? I can recommend a book on CBT that I found very helpful, in English though.

If you like to talk, talk.

If something doesn't work, try something else. As if, for example, doesn't work for me, so I don't put any stress on it, and don't expect anything from it.

Rules are made to be broken - sehr undeutsch, I know - but a lot of this stuff is.

Pursuing is excessive contact seeking, or neediness showing. Regular, light, contact is not. Do you have a reason to call or is it neediness?

Don't miss the last boat on the Koenigsee - I once did and had to overnight in the hay in a barn there...

You can try being 'real' with him, but monitor the reaction and back off it there is a problem.

Don't ask about where he was or dig into his life, focus on you. Out of the house, out of your head and feelings, out. Detach.

Think of things to do when he is there, plan ahead. Stay busy. Order something to do from amazon.de or play a game. Cook if you like it - I became a good cook because of my marital problems!

L

[loualea]

Hi Luke
you are a rock thanks

Good question why do I call.. I like talking to him? We talked a lot..he did not always talk about nothing but when there was something he wanted to talk about he could be eloquent. His English is native level.. lived me for 14 plus years.. had to improve.
When he first moved away for work we talked twice a day every day.. I miss it, a lot. Is it neediness, hmm maybe..I still find myself anticipating his calls... and I say to myself I am detached..hardly. The feelings thing grabs me every time...

It will be a tough trip to the Koenig See now you have reminded me.. It was our first trip as a couple.. we had to run down to catch the last boat from the Gotzen Alm. I love that area but maybe because I really got to know him there...I have never hiked without him.. talk about a 180!!!

What do you mean by being real? Honest - acting as if he does not treat me like a leper? Talking to him as we used to.

I cooked one time he was here... he said I was acting like nothing was wrong. we went out for dinner another time ,he said I gave him no time to talk.. but then he didn't talk. as I have no money I will be cooking this time...

The closer it gets to him being here the worse i feel.. but he has to come to sign papers to sell the house and do garden maintenance.. it is too much for me alone..

seems like you have seen a lot of Germany..It is a great place to live.

[LuckyLuke]

HI Lou,

I've lived in Munich and Stuttgart, and work there quite a bit still.

Do you know that he is coming with papers or is it just a fear?

You need to think about things beyond him, outside, positive things, fun activities, GAL.

Real means saying what do we do now, that you feel hurt, and maybe ask how he feels, but that is R talk and very dangerous. I bet he is feeling lost and hurting too, so maybe some defusing somehow of this will help. Please read other people's threads and posts for more ideas (I am no expert!).

Make him help with cooking?

L

[loualea]

I am waiting for him to arrive
it has been a month
he has had a holiday with the OW.. I am assuming
I used to think the past few months that he drove 5 hours to badger me into accepting a separation.
I did that last time.. arguing was going nowhere so i agreed we were separated.. he felt happier because then he thinks he is not having an affair.. well on his mind.. no one else thinks that and it ill always be adultery.. but that is his problem not mine.

Just read MICs comments on choosing to be happy... I have been focusing on do not cry.. do not let him see you are miserable alone etc.. but maybe it is better to focus on positives.. I am happy.. and I am happy he will be here..
I can choose to be happy..
I also need to remember that he seems to be hurting and confused too..
but I will be happy. It will good to have him here.. we will have some time to relax.. Positives are better than negatives...I hope that works..
thanks mic

[LuckyLuke]

Yes, you have a choice, and though it is hard, can choose things that will possibly improve or at least lessen any hurt you are feeling. Good luck.

Luke

[loualea]

Note to self
NEVER go to a James Blunt concert with someone who is leaving you...NEVER

Cried through most of it...
Great performer just his lyrics.