Mish, you want to be married, nothing stupid about that. What is stupid is if you keep living this endlessly with the same posts year after year after year! You have a right to ask for what you need. If he can't give it to you (and I know that's your fear) then you need to face it because this is not going to go away. Easier said than done, I know!
Mish, in my own life, I wanted my marriage more than anything in the world. At one point I came to the conclusion that I could not continue the way we were. I gave her an ultimatum...and she chose to end the marriage. It's not what I wanted but I have never regretted standing up for what I needed. She couldn't give it to me...end of that story but the beginning of a new one
I am not fully up to speed on your sitch. It looks like you are divorced but your XH came back. Now you are looking for more in the R.
FWIW, I agree with what everyone has posted to you. You matter. You have needs. You should not be afraid to speak you mind.
That said, as I think about it....maybe there is a happy medium. Maybe instead of sitting down and having a long talk...you can do this slowly and over time. For example: if one of the things you want is more intamacy (this is just an example - I am not sure if this is the case)....then find the right time to request that and only that. Then....wait for the opportunity to ask for your next need. So...instead of asking for everything at once, you are doing it over time.
Finally - YOU should not be afriad to lose him or anyone for that matter. I understand how you may want to avoid the pain. You do not control him though. He will ultimately do what he needs to do and you must do the same for you.
Good luck Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
OT, sorry I hadn't answered. Yes, I've been part of an online group for a few months now. It is opening me up quite a bit and I'm discovering more and more about how my childhood developed me to be codependent. I had a magnificent childhood until I was 15 and then it all crashed with my dad's death. My mom was great but it was just such a horrible age and she and I did the best we could but it was more scarring than I ever thought. My therapist had touched on it a bit in session a few times but I broke so hard every time that we weren't able to move much past it and then she retired. Everything stopped. *sigh*
I'm hearing what everyone is saying and I'm trying to take it in an process. I don't like living feeling like there is one foot out the door at all times even if it's not true. It feels that way, I'm sure because of past circumstances and results.
Writing notes, letters,texts, to him just won't work. He hates to read (he's dyslexic) so he skims and doesn't absorb the point. Talking directly to him is better but that's when he shuts down and walks away if he doesn't like what's being said. I just hope that he won't do that this time.
I'm going to take this time away with him to put out some feelers and formulate, finally, exactly what I want to say. I won't put any ultimatums on him, I won't pressure him to do anything at all. I want to simply state what I feel I need. Period. He will have to respond at some point about it but I want him to have time to think about it, not just give me a response right then and there because that's what he thinks I want. Does that make any sense?
Sorry, I haven't had enough coffee today and my brain is fuzzy. I left my travel mug sitting on my kitchen table and realized it halfway to work. UGH!
Thoughts?
Oh, and Eric, thank you so much for you reminder that I shouldn't be afraid to lose him. I try to remind myself of that every day but fear has been an overriding factor in my life for so long now that it's more second nature than anything else.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I've been journaling a lot trying to work through my thoughts and I think it's making me even nuttier! Heavens sakes!
The last week I have had nightmares about the broom showing up when we are trying to leave on vacation. I ask why she's there and she makes some kind of smart a$$ comment and I just start crying and leave.
WTH? That hasn't figured into my journaling AT ALL! It's crazy crazy crazy.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You still have that insecurity lurking. You are going to need to work that out.
In thee an tie why don't you make things easier and let Gabe know that you would like to get remarried. That should get the talk going. Or just ask him to marry you.
Maybe your mind is trying to come up with excuses because you are scared. Hon we all are to some degree. You can over come it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Oh, I'll overcome it. The crazy dreams are just ticking me off. You are right, it's the insecurity coming out in my dreams but I'd just love to take control in my dream and say all the nasty things I've always wanted to say to her. That would be AWESOME! LOL I think I'd decide I was cured if I could do that.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Last night I didn't dream of her, instead I had a horrible dream that Marc was arrested and sent to prison for something really stupid (something that isn't actually a crime) and I was arguing and fighting with the judge about it and the next thing I knew I was in jail and there was some crazy woman in there that wanted me dead.
I kid you not! My crazy mind is coming up with doozies lately!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
