wife hardens heart-7

[labug]

[planet]

Last friday, I texted XW via 'WhatsApp' of my intention of taking the domestic help and my kids out for dinner. Her contract is due and will be leaving soon. I'm doing this with the intention of showing gratitude for her services for the family.

I really don't understand why I would even think XW would be ok with this. XW of course said no and says she's busy for the weekend.

I said you already took the kids for the last two weekends. I reasoned with her to be fair.

She even repeated ' We r not free' 8 times. Childish.

She went on saying that she needs to attend seminars, company dinner, conventions and sponsored holidays the whole month of march and she needs to spend time with the kids too.
My request is not unreasonable. I said i'm taking saturday evening and she can have sunday.

She's ignoring the reason which is very valid.


Come Saturday, I went over to XW's anyway, only to find XW took the kids away. I called her and she went on spewing and hung up.

She started of by saying that I never paid anything for the domestic help's services and even disagreed on hiring her. That is true and she conveniently excluded the fact I contributed my entire salary for household needs. I know she is arguing based on nothing. I took this no further.

She even said why I gave presents from my brother to the kids when she said no gifts from my family. Ridiculous.

I asked about the kids then. She said they are already out. Mind reading but I think my suggestion on taking the maid for dinner might have triggered this episode.

Hereon, it's all via 'Whatsapp'.

Then she went on saying that I come every day on weekdays and she don't have time with them. Saying that I took the kids out without her consent on wednesday which I did informed her.

Went on saying she will be away for 20days and asked for my understanding on her needs as well. I replied why should I sacrifice my time.

She went on the argue that she's never stop me from seeing my kids on weekdays. Rushing to adapt to my time. Getting them ready for me. I replied I appreciate her kindness and never said you are wrong but this had nothing to do with me wanting to spend time with my kids. Further more, we set the time for me to send them back home. Rushing? C'mon. If she feels this ways then say something.

She went further to asked why I'm not happy for the kids being with her and that I'm selfish I said I never said they are not happy and don't put words in my mouth. How is it I'm selfish?

She said I'm giving her problems and she had to include me in her schedule. The kids complaint that they are hungry after they come home. That is not valid. I fed them until they are truly done at that point of time. I always ask my kids if they are hungry!

She again complain that I come everyday leaving her no time with the kids. I spend an hour with them. She had the rest of the night. She said that I leave with a mess of toys, they need baths and have meals after I leave. That is so ridiculous. I mean they have their baths and meals during MY time. I'm not saying it's all the time but most of it. I don't complain but i volunteer to feed them. That is joy. I always advise the kids to clean up. I will supervise them the next time since XW is not happy about it. BTW, the maid said that she cleans up after them all the time. I'm pretty sure that includes the days when I'm not around!

She said that I'm difficult to talk to and challenged me to take the maid out to prove my sincerity without the kids. I refused and I requested some other day to do it with the kids. Again, she refused. She's not going to allow the maid to have dinner with me with or without the kids.

She went on to bring up LOTS past hurts. I validated.
I admitted I was insensitive with my words back then. I have never deny anything and added that some events is not how I remembered it. She of course are having none of it.


Her complaints are nothing new. Mostly based on single incidents. She's repeating all of it as if it happened multiple times.

I will allow this to BREAK me. I'm good.

[planet]

I will NOT allow this to BREAK me. I'm good.

[MrBond]

Why can't you just take the maid out on your own? She doesn't "own" her. Just do it.

[planet]

I would love too. We would have a fantastic time with the kids.

The maid was alright with it but she insisted that I asked XW first. If XW says no, she wouldn't go. I think she didn't want any trouble. I don't want to put her in a spot.

Can't even see me being kind to others. XW is probably afraid of her own shadows. I don't plan to get any information from the maid either.

[MrBond]

Then take her out when she's finished with your XW.

[planet]

That's a good idea. I'll arrange with the maid. She leaves on the the 20th.

BTW, the maid stays at the house and meals are provided. Her contract only allows her to have 1 day off in a month. She is compensated for it of course and the maid agreed to this option before we hired her.

That is why she's reluctant while still employed.

[planet]

I called the girl that kinda 'broke up' with me weeks ago. It was weird because we didn't start any relationship so in that sense there was none. Anyway, I wanted to share with her about the group of friends that I had just made n connected immediately. No particular reason why I called. It's just that she helped me through some difficult moments since BD and I wanted her to share my happiness. We ended up having dinner couple of days later. We had a few more meet ups in the following weeks and all on her initiative.

Tonight she called. Her relative is terminally ill. She was looking for some support so I went to meet her. I just wanted to comfort her. She's kinda down but I think I managed to cheer her up. We talked until the restaurant closed and went outside to continue. Suddenly she just stood closely and our arms are touching. Her head was already resting on my shoulder and I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. She asked me to stand closer when I did move away. She asked me what did I like in her. I did everything she asked and I think she felt that I was kinda pulling away.

When we decided to leave for home. She held my arm and made her way to my hand. I just stopped and asked her. "Are you sure about this? Are you sure about us? I'm not ready."
Her response was, "Who says that we are going for a relationship? I just want to live in this moment".
I walked her to her car while still holding hands.

As I drove home, I asked myself many questions. I'm not sure that I'm over XW. I didn't want to start any other relationship just yet. That girl was in a bad place emotionally these couple of days and tonight she may not be thinking right. I pulled back instead of going all in. I'm confused and I wanted some affection too.

This is exactly what I when through 10 years ago with XW. I didn't really pursue her. XW just drew closer and the next thing I know, we are dating. XW resented me for not pursuing her. She told me a couple of times before BD. I was unsure then and I'm in exactly the same place now.

I don't want things to get complicated. Not now. Just not now.

[paul19510]

planet. great observations. do you feel like history is repeating itself? I get that sense from what you posted. let yourself be happy. maybe let yourself enjoy this person's friendship. You never know, it might be just what you needed My 2 cents

[planet]

paul19510
She appeared into my life while I'm in my worst possible frame of mind. I enjoyed her company very much. She understood and guided me to view things differently. She was there when I was down. There was no judgement from her.

Yesterday, I didn't respond positively while she was resting her head on my shoulder, our arms touching, etc...I just stood there like a damn pillar. I didn't want to respond nor do I wanted to reject her. It's selfish. I wanted the affection but couldn't give any. I don't want to hurt her.

She has a bad childhood and this has affected her choices as an adult. Cycles of relationships. She has searched everywhere for her unhappiness including self-help courses, spiritual guidance, etc. She's aware of her past and found much answer in Buddhism. Her answers to me is almost always along the spiritual path.

What I see in her, I saw XW. XW has a bad childhood too. Problem is one is aware and the other is not.
What did she see in me begs another question. I couldn't offer anything to her. A dad with 2 kids. Struggling financially. She was there while I was a wreck. How in the world is that attractive at all?