Keep on doing what im currently doing. Is it working on getting my W back? Who knows but if it wasn’t for these DB’ing principles I guarantee I would be much worse off than where I am now. I have grown so much over the past 14 months all for the better.
Goals achieved so far:
Took swimming lessons & learnt how to swim. Lost 60 pounds. No alcohol or pot. Developed the patients of a saint. Become a more engaging father. Saved a 10% down payment for a home this spring. Ran a 5K. Call & visit my mom more. Became a spouse only a fool would leave..
Things I need to work on.
Forgiving myself for not making these changes earlier. Accepting my contribution in the failure of the marriage. Let go of the deep down disappointment of her not wanting help save this marriage. Not giving up on becoming a part time single father. Drop another 20 pounds. (These BMI charts are ridiculous!) Become more social. Give back to all that helped me in my journey. Congratulate myself for goals achieved so far. Became easier on myself, I am my own worst enemy sometimes. Did I mention forgiving myself…
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
One thing: don't go by BMI. My BMI says I'm overweight and at an increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. I'm < 12% BF and my blood-work begs to differ.
If your doc is hung up on BMI, explain to him or her the limitations of such a study. If he or she won't listen, then find another doctor you're comfortable with or ignore their advice about weight management.
If your BF is healthy ( < 15%), your resting HR is good ( < 65), your blood pressure is at least normal ( 120/80), and your labs are all good, then you don't necessarily need to lose weight. Of course, that doesn't take into account any medical conditions I don't know about that your doctor does, so my advice is merely general with my main point being there's no point in trying to meet BMI goals if you have to sacrifice muscle to do so. That's actually an UNhealthy approach.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Thats the thing PM, health wise everything is great with my Blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose level, and I have a heart rate of a marathon runner. Just was blessed as being a short stocky muscular guy
I guess it leads to one of my other goals and not to be too hard on myself.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Great list Maritimer I agree with PM, I go by the mirror and how I feel rather than by what the charts say. Particularly if you've built a lot of muscle mass- the typical weight charts are going to make it look like you're overweight when you may be in the shape of your life! Just for grins I just checked a BMI chart. Just after BD I was a little over 140 pounds which is listed in the middle of the "healthy" range for my height. After almost 2 years of pumping iron my waist is still the same size but I now weigh 170, so by the chart I am now in the middle of the "overweight" zone. Another year or two of progress and I will be in the "obese" category, LOL!
That BMI chart looked a little off for someone with my build. Your right, just be happy with myself is where I need to be right now and that has been a vast improvement considering how far I come.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
She is not as cold towards me and talks in a normal tone of voice when exchanging the kids. I am now allowed to have 1 child per Friday night till Sat noon time. This is a huge step. Got tired of asking so I just told her this is not a bad thing to have my son overnight and did it. I alternate the kids so I can have quality one on one time with each of them equally.
As of December she is now dropping the kids off at my place Sunday & Wednesday evenings, and then I drop them back at her place. It feels good to hang out with them at my own place. I had both of them overnight on Xmas night so Boxing Day was our Xmas, It was so fun! Had some friends & family over and had such a blessed feeling that as lonely I think my life is, I will never be alone. It was a wonderful feeling.
It feels like we are drifting more apart, this is what she wanted so I granted it to her. I last talked on the phone with her in July; last email was for Halloween as she sent me a picture of the boys in their costumes. Other than that it has just been texts about when she will arrive to drop off the boys.
She is friendlier towards me but no other indications that she wants to reconcile. Is this helping or making things worse?
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Just wanted to touch base in regards to my thread. Nothing really new regarding the W having any indication of wanting to reconcile.
She did invite me and my mother over for our S2 birthday which I thought was nice of her. Our communication is minimal and its all about Bills & Boys. Always second guessing if what Im doing would help her wanting me to be back in the family.
Continuing to become the best person I can be, and I actually believe that im pretty awesome. Just wondering how long I am willing to wait to find out if she wants to get back with me. It would be nice to feel wanted by someone.
Spending as much time as I can with my boys and they love seeing me. I had a big fear that they would forget about me by not being present every day.
95% sure I bought a house 2km from hers. Im so excited as it will be easier for us to exchange the kids without an hour drive. Once im settled in there I can drop them off at daycare and pick them up. Eventually have more over nights with them, including weekdays. They will have their own bedrooms and a big back yard to play in! Cant wait as the closing date is April 2. I never told her yet. Should I? Why am fearful of her reaction? This would be a good thing for all of us.
Keeping on moving forward with a positive attitude and it will all work out!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
We are on almost the exact same timeline. I hope that folks are telling you that youve been doing a really great job - because you have!
You have taken huge steps in every direction that you have control over. The 10% save is HUGE! Why would you tell your X about the house? Has she asked you "are you buying a house?" If not, its none of her business - until its time to renegotiate parent time
I still have flashbacks about stupid/embarrassing things from the past.......I yell "get out of my head" and turn the mental page in my head. SERIOUSLY, when this happens start doing math problems in your head- It changes your brain from emotional to logical.....it works.
You sound as emotionally needy as me right now. Time to add some new activity to your plate. You can wait until after you move but you need to get involved in something social.
We are moving forward despite winter blues .
I know when your X is coming back- Whenever SHE decides to get her head out of her arse.......and if you do ANYTHING to try to expedite that process it will just be pushed back further.
You (and your awesomeness) are all we care about
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Great to hear from you PS! Thanks for the encouragement, as they say “Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...” It’s so true, look at where we were a year ago.
Guess I will let her know when she has to pick the kids up at my new home. Good advice on starting a new activity, I need to become more social. It could be the aloneness im experiencing that I feel the need to be with someone, my therapist said its human nature to feel that way.
You reeled me back from doing something silly. I was thinking of temperature checking because it has been over a year that we had any relationship talk, it never went well then, she made her intentions clear.
Do the 37 rules get modified as time passes?
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
You reeled me back from doing something silly. I was thinking of temperature checking because it has been over a year that we had any relationship talk, it never went well then, she made her intentions clear.
Regarding my own sitch, from the outside looking in it appears we are working on a R. However, I have learned - the hard way, and multiple times - that actually TALKING about a R spooks her and she pushes away hard. So I just roll with what's going on. After all, I don't *need* to hear what we are doing. It would be nice, but I don't *need* it.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
Do the 37 rules get modified as time passes?
I don't think so, but ultimately the most important thing to remember is to do what works.
Also, if they dynamic of your relationship changes from trying to bust the divorce to accepting that the MR is over and you will be co-parents for the rest of your lives, then a lot of those rules no longer apply (the first 11, for example), but others are for your own health and will always apply (12, 13, 14, 21, 27, 36, 37).
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
