Me 15 months on - standing - detaching

[LuckyLuke]

HWA - you sound good, all in all. Glad to see that things are moving forward for you. Luke

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks LuckyLuke, I do feel good now. It has taken quite a while to get to this point.

[Wonka]

HWA,

You got through this intact! That is something to celebrate after seeing W and the OW together. You made it through to the other side! Yeessss, you did.

You ask:

Actually Wonka, it would be great to have some incite into your mind, since reading a while ago your sitch.
If you don't mind Wonka. How did you deal with having a relationship with someone else, while still caring for your W? Was it about dropping the rope, moving on, but still having that love/care in the back of your mind? Was it something in your mind that always said you would take her back?
Was the new relationship never going to be "it all", because you still cared for the W?


Dropping the rope doesn't mean you DON'T care about your spouse. Dropping the rope is not being anxious or reactive to the WAS' movements or lack thereof. It means that you are not overly invested in the process emotionally and you've found your balance. That is what dropping the rope means.

For me, I will always have a special love for Ms. Wonka tucked away in my heart. It has its own place. Acknowledging this is important. People think they have to stuff down this "love" or deny this "love" out of fear that they're not moving forward or of being "disloyal" to their next date/GF/BF...whatever. This is not the case at all.

When dating other people, the real challenge is not to compare them to your WAS. It is grossly and incredibly unfair to the new person. I think it is important to date as many people as you can after splitting up with your spouse so you're able to discern the personality characteristics, values, common interests, and other personal habits that reveal new things about your views of a potential future spouse. It is CRITICALLY important not to view your dates as potential Mrs. HWA for it makes you rush things and feel you have to marry right away. That is a bad move and will cause you more heartbreak. I have news for you: Rebound Marriages ALMOST never work. I've seen too many in RL to count on my hands....unfortunately.

In other words, you just have to put yourself out there and push yourself to date again. Otherwise, your heart will shrivel up from fear and lack of love. Then you'll become one of those CAT man or DOG man where you collect 30 dogs/cats in place of a companion.

Your choice, m' dear HWA.

P.S. The new relationship will never be "it all" because NO relationship is ever "be it all." That is setting the bar too high.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Wonka for the kind words. Yes, I did make it through, the W and OW didn't cause any issues to me.
I will always have that "special love" as you said for my W as well. It is good that love has it's own place, as I don't feel disloyal to the girlfriend.
One thing I have been doing, or not doing, is comparing the new girlfriend to the W. Thankfully they are very different, body type, height, hair colour, personality and attitudes (in a good way).
I am also not thinking of this woman as a future Mrs HWA. It may happen who knows, but it is not the plan. Not to mention based on her personality, that would probably be a very long way before that happens. If anything I don't have the need to "rebound" or feel a void of being married. I am enjoying, dating and spending time with the new woman and that is all.
The only thing I cannot do at this stage, is date as many people as possible. While I am with this woman, I won't date anyone else. If I am single again later (hopefully not), then I will date again. I do know what you mean Wonka by dating as many people as possible, and the scenario you put it in.
Please, I don't want to become a CAT or DOG person, so will continue to keep my heart going with good love.
The final thing was rather than the relationship being "it all", it was more meant as the question of when you were dating, did you have in your mind, this is enjoying some form of companionship and love, until the W comes back. Rather than just enjoying the companionship and love? Does that make sense?

I do thank you very much for the interest and support you have given over the last 2 months or so Wonka.

The W's birthday is next Tuesday. I have decided to send a simple message saying "Happy Birthday W, I hope you it's a great day." I would feel very uncomfortable and not a great person if I simply ignored her special day.