I understand what you are saying heather. I am not yet where you are... Being done standing. However I can see that as an actual option where as before I did not.
I am really quite amazed right now at this wave of anger that I am experiencing. Thoughts/memories of pain I thought I had dealt with in the past are coming back to me. Did I not fully process things and move forward from them? These are things related to h... His selfishness, the OW, the feelings of me and the kids beig wronged by such an arrogant and selfish man. I feel no compassion. And I have felt compassion for him unceasingly as I progressed on this journey. Right now this moment: I don't feel it. Just anger.
Job I will sit quietly. Thank you for the reminder.
My love to you all
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, It's a completely healthy feeling to be angry. In my own journey, I have discovered that it is in my darkest and angriest of times, that I find the light needed to guide me into my next step of healing.
How you use your anger is key. I think anger can be used to set up healthy boundaries for you in the future. I also think it can exhaust you of negative feels opening up the door for forgiveness and the ability to let go. Anger teaches you about who you were... it can also teach you about who you want to be.
Of course there are many people who live in the anger.. because in part - in order to deal with the anger - you have to deal with all of it. Not just your spouse but YOU. Because in every interaction, there are TWO people. No one person can take the blame... it is something that must be shared. And that's why they get stuck, because they don't want to own their part. They only want to place blame.
And my dear that is NOT you. As you sit with these feelings, it will be revealed why you are so angry with your H. My guess is that it will lead to some anger that you will feel towards yourself.
Do not beat yourself up over having a lack of compassion. If now - all you can do is not rip his head off for being an a$$ - consider that a victory. In all honesty, it's more than most would do.
Just sit tight. It's not easy to stay in the land of anger, but I know good things will come out of it.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thank you Val I have been thinking about this. Since I last posted my anger has dissipated - I did accept it and I think I worked through it. My anger was mostly at things I cannot control- H's decisions. Also that I was getting caught up in the emotional roller coaster again. I was angry. Angry because I am feeling anxious and sad. I'm lonely and tired of my sitch. I was going through moments of wanting to stop this. I realised I am wanting to move on from the sitch, but not h.
Ok- so back to basics. It's my choice. I am choosing this now ( this is what is meant by us having the final say perhaps?). Reality check- things have shifted. Whether it's my DB Ing or h slowly waking up or a combination or just an aligemt of the stars - there is something changing. But I got too hopeful too soon. And that made me angry too. I almost want to sabatage whatever is happening naturally, so I know where I stand again. That's a big issue I have to deal with now.
See- over the past few weeks h and I have chatted a bit- not about us per se but about the kids. Much more openly and on 'equal' ground than the past. Yes he is more receptive and forthcoming. We wen had two night time talks about the kids ( and he ended up telling me some stuff about him like doctors appointments he had), where as usually we have not spoken or even texted in the evening for years.
I'm really trying to just sit and observe. I've thrown out a couple of 'feelers' for lack of a better term. For example, he said he is coming in the next week. There is a big annual party that all of our friends are going to that he is no longer invited too. I said to him if he is around would he like to come with is all and he said yes ( he can come with me as my guest). But I made it as 'all of us' going (his old gang) which is the truth- we all go as a group - not 'couples'. I was surprised he said yes but pleased ( now we'll see if he actually arrives in time)
But just the nature of our interactions seem easier. Less 'wall' to try and talk through.
He has not in anyway opened up or initiated big talks or anything. That's fine. At the end of the day my foremost priority is me and kids on a day to day basis. And I have refocused on that. I am however also very aware that H is alone. No parents, no real friends and no family. He seems to be reconnecting with old friends.
Anyway- enough about H. I am doing much better after going through my anger. It was 'refreshing' to be able to accept it and understand that it is a feeling that will pass and know I have the skills to deal with it and understand it. Busy with work and exercise, kids and their activities. Have been having several movie nights with my girlfriends which has been fun and have been reading a lot. Last !
weekend both kids were out all day and I almost Didn't know what to do! So I poured a drink and watched amovie. Was great!
Am doing well overall right now. I will take it and keep going with it.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi bug!! I have been saving your quotes as I read them on other threads. I love them. They make me think and keep me focused. Much love to you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
My friend said to me today ' H can no longer hurt you' in response to something I said to her. And I thought to myself ' yes that is true' and I realised that yes, I have let go of fear. I have let go expectations. For now, today, I have realised this.
Good day today- lots of GAL with some friends of mine. A nice walk, coffee, work, then some evening time with 2 girlfriends.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi Kate!! I hope you are well. Thanks for dropping by. Love you :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
