work is good; H is crazy

[Whiterose]

Hi guys,
I'm checking in again (and journaling).....lost my footing a bit yesterday so figured I should chat a bit.

Have passed the BD and move out 1 year mark and my birthday (on the 29th) was the first "second time" so we start the cycle again.

No contact from H's L since Monte Carlo (mid March) so not sure if we're waiting for me to make a move or him.....? I'm just not going to do anything and save money. If he needs something from me he can ask his L to ask my L.

Had to do my taxes and realized I never received the mortgage interest statement so I had to ask H for it. At first he didn't remember seeing it and then he did and was angry that I was going to use the interest on the mortgage he had paid for my tax wright off (I can write off the interest as I run a home based business) in the same text he said he would look for it and fax it when he found it. I didn't respond to the anger and said "Please forward the fax to ......" which was my acct's number. Waited a week and messaged him again asking if he'd found it and he said no. I asked if he thought it was lost or just had misplaced it and he said he would look again to which I thanked him. I asked my acct to do a quick calculation based off of last year's interest as I honestly did not believe I'd see it. Few days later I got a text saying he'd found it and if it was ok to fax it the next day. I said it was great, resent the number, and thanked him. Next day (friday before my birthday) I got a text saying he'd sent it. I confirmed with my acct then responded with a thank you and to have a good weekend (which Id done plenty of times before with no response) but he thanked me and said he hoped I had some fun things planned for my birthday that weekend. I was shocked......I, quite honestly, didn't even know how to respond to something so "human". I said thanks and that I had some fun things planned and wished him a good weekend again.

On my birthday he sent me a happy birthday message and also asked if I knew anything about S14's hospital visit time (he had to go in for a colonoscopy) H was going to come and then got the new job and didn't think he'd be able to and then he said he could. I didn't know. messaged me again and I called the hospital and they call up to 5pm for the next days schedule and, of course, they called me at 4:40 lol so I messaged the times and place we needed to be. H then called the house, around 6, looking for S14 to which I said he was not home (he had been at my parent's house doing his scope prep) and I had a friend here who was quite loud as I was going out for my birthday and had to shush her to talk to H LOL got a message about an hour or two later asking if I could get S14 to call H as he wasn't answering the phone....I responded with "he should be home by now" and that was it.

Next day H and I spent pretty much the entire day together.....it was hard, and nerve racking. We'd not spent any time together (without a L) since last march (2013) At first he tried ignoring me (I had nothing to do with it) and said "HI How are you?" and he responded. while waiting at check in he said to S14 he needed a hair cut (he took S for this weakend) and that he had a great barber by his house and he'd take him for a cut. I was utterly shocked again....he hasn't made any mention of "dad" stuff since before he left and he was always the one to take the boys. I just said "yeah, I've been telling him for a while he needs a cut...that it was great he would take him" when we got into the room he wouldn't sit beside me but the room was small so it's not like we could ignore each other. We chatted. There was some laughs. H asked about my bday and I went to answer but S14 started talking about his to which H responded I was asking your mom as your birthday is not for a couple more weeks....I changed the topic to talk about S14's birthday plans. S14 had to leave to get weighed and I had brought up the fact I need H's address (I had said it earlier in a text and he didn't like that I wanted it) but I made it clear I need to know where my children sleep....it's not an option. He said I don't know minute by minute what you guys are doing and I said "I don't need an itinerary of events but you know where your children reside and with a one word name you know exactly on the map where your children are....I'm their mother and need to know where they sleep. I believe that my past actions can attest to the fact I won't be all crazy and show up at your door or somehow stalk you....it is a purely a safety thing" S14 walked back in and the conversation ended. No yelling, no arguing but we each made our points. Got into the common waiting area where we hung out together. No cell reception so H would come and go to be able to use his phone and I was able to get the wifi and he asked "do you get wifi" "yes, I have an iPhone" we all laughed it's always been an iPhone vs samsung phone thing as the boys have samsung as well. I went into the operating room with S14 until he fell asleep so I had to ask H to hold my purse, to which he agreed readily, and he even helped me get on my hair net as I couldn't hold my hair up and get the net over. I came out crying, praying S14 didn't have crohn's like me, and H kinda said "he'll be fine" but that was the extent of it. I got myself together and was going to get a coffee and offered him one. He said no but that he had gotten one from the shop in the lobby and it wasn't good. I still got one from there as I didn't want to be away too long. Got S14 a gift from the gift shop and a cookie and a scone. H and I sat next to each other (I figured he'd be across the room or run into the hall or something) he got up to get water but came back and sat next to me again. we chatted, he asked about my niece and nephew, to which I said Oh B is getting big and H turned his head and got sad and said "It's been so long since I saw S14 (2 months) he's so big) I said yes the grow so fast and told a story about son's school pants being too small after christmas break he had grown so much. He willingly told me about his new job and his reasons, his boss, that he hoped it was a good move but you don't know for months, etc....I validated and just let him talk. Brought up the address again but again no argument just that it was not an option and again promised I would not just show. we talked about some news on the tv just regular stuff like we used to. It was very tentative but it was a small step. We met S14 (he's ok thank God) in recovery and as the nurse was giving us the meal plan for the night H mentioned I could go to booster juice and get him a smoothy and I laughed saying well dad can cause mom is not driving over the bridge. He said I guess you get a shake. He helped me get S14 into the van and I thanked him and he didn't say much. On the way home S14 fell asleep and I took a cute pic of him and sent it to H with a "thought you'd get a laugh" not much response. My sister, BIL and niece and nephew came by with some dairy queen and I was chatting with them about the days events and how surreal it was and got a message from H asking if S14 was awake. Said yes that the "W's" brought DQ and he said oh I guess he doesn't want a shake and I said I'm sure he'd love one THEN HERE IT IS "would you like a frosty too?" HOLY $HIT I was like immmmm, sure, haven't had one in forever. He said he'd bring it around 8:30 but couldn't stay. I said "you're going to bring it in?" as we all remember he does not enter the property LOL he said yes. And he turned off the engine to the truck walked up the steps rang the door bell WOW The dog was uber excited to see him and he said Nick really needs a cut to which I agreed but that I didn't have time and maybe he could do it the same time he took S14 laughed. I invited him in but he "had a long drive" clue one he had moved again (fifth time in a year here people) I said no problem and thanked him. Next day he messaged me saying he'd be sending the address after work but he wouldn't get home until after 10 and as he'd just moved couldn't remember his new address. I thank him. Next day still nothing and this was friday (the day he was picking him up) so I messaged asking if S needed to pack anything specific and that I had not yet received the address. He responded that he hadn't sent it and then sent it a few minutes later. I thanked him and then said I had one more question "are you living with anyone?" we had a bit of a conversation (he was obviously not impressed) about how I knew very little about his life and that if he lives alone then whatever but if there is someone else there I need to know who he is coming into contact with. He then said I was opening the door to him asking me about everything I was doing and meeting and I said I would never introduce the boys to anyone without giving him a head's up. I apologized said "I know this [censored] and I don't mean to pry and haven't asked up until now but now S14 is going somewhere I don't know and I needed to ask" He lives alone he said and that he hopes he can expect the same honesty when he asks. I said yes and that I understood I thanked him for his understanding and his honesty.

that night I got a pic of S14's new hair cut and I responded "Our handsome boy. Thank you for taking him" nothing in response.

Then came yesterday, so confession time, I set up a POF account a while back....been on two dates but nothing much has come of it and my heart is not really in it.....anyway I opened the acct, hadn't in a few days, and who is there but H as my #1 ultra match staring back at me. I went into a tail spin (crazy I know) and his profile is quite short with a very "I'm on honest hard working guy looking for friends blah blah blah" spent most of the day crying and then got mad at myself for crying so was in a bit of a spin. Was going to send a cute note and then talked it out with some friends and decided that would just be stupid so did not. Went out last night, for my bday, and got a text from H about S14 being dropped off today. I asked about the soccer game, they didn't go as S didn't want to, but they watched the documentary I recommended to H at the hospital (S14 is a brony, a male that watches My Little Pony.....it's a lot for a dad to wrap his head around I get it and we had a convo about it at the hospital and I suggested the documentary which helped me) I asked what he thought "still not sold but whatever" "LOL I can understand that. It's a lot to take in ....." no response I didn't bring up the POF acct.

Anyway, thanks to some friends who asked the hard questions, I realized yesterday I hadn't dropped the rope as much as I thought I had. That I still love him and I still have a long road.....so back to basics......

[job]

WR.
Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad you posted an update. I have been thinking about you quite a bit and even visited your thread a couple of times to see if I had missed your postings.

I'm glad your son is okay. It's always scary when you think they may have inherited something you have, but at least you now know he doesn't have it. I'm sure your son wasn't too happy w/the prep stuff, but it's better than it use to be. LOL!

I'm very glad to see that your h was there at the hospital and acted like a human being for a change. Maybe this is a good sign that he realizes his sons need him and yes, they are growing up very quickly.

Don't beat yourself up, it takes time to truly drop the rope. Be kind to yourself and know that one day, it will happen when you least expect it. Again, I'm glad your son is okay. Now, the question of the day is...how are you doing? Any more trips lined up?

Please take care of yourself.

[Whiterose]

Hi Job
thank you for the birthday wishes thank you for your continued care and love.

I'm so grateful he's ok, awaiting some biopsy results, but the dr seems to think it's ok. Prep is definitely better than it was in my day LOL

I'm hoping he sees that and is making changes. He had him for a few sleep overs, when he was living at his sister's house, last year this time, but we'll see. I saw him checking me out a few times (at the hospital) too which made me feel good.

Thank you......I felt pretty dumb with my reaction.

I'm doing ok. Working lots and taking care of the boys. No trips planned (actually H asked if I had any trip planed too...took everything in me not to say "no the south of france will be hard to beat" but, I was a good girl) I'm still quite lonely. Miss male companionship. Miss being married but it gets less and less, thankfully.

[Whiterose]

just wondering.....does this what peaking out of the tunnel looks like? He's been a little more short in his replies, I also asked some very personal questions, but, I get the feeling he "felt" something wednesday and going for ice cream is kinda something we used to do.....I'm wondering if he is scared with his feelings.......

[job]

WR,
He was having moments of clarity and yes, he's peeking out just a bit, and it's nothing to get too excited about until it's more frequent. Yes, they scare very easily when they begin warming up just a bit and then back into the hole they go, just like a rabbit being scared of whatever is out there.

Keep the focus on you and your sons. It's important that you not react to your h's behavior right now. The less attention you give it the better because he just might warm up a bit more if attention isn't drawn to his recent behavior.

[Whiterose]

thank you Job.....you're honestly and patience with me is always so appreciated.

It's nice to see "him" but I remember all the advice I've seen in past not to push it so I've not made any moves (other than the address and questions about living with someone but that info is necessary for my boys so I had to) I don't send him any messages, he makes first contact, I engage slightly but don't push......hoping I do that "properly"

I assumed that his POF acct was partly due to the fact that he felt very alone after coming to the house to bring the frosty's. S14 and I were cuddling on the couch, had just started a movie, the dog....he saw that from the front door as the window is visible from that vantage.

[Whiterose]

H messaged me Saturday night about dropping off s14. I asked how the soccer game was, turns out they didn't go as neither wanted to, watched a movie and the documentary I recommended when we were at the hospital (s is a brony, boy that enjoys my little pone.....it's quite a cult following. I get that it's hard for H to understand how his teenage son likes it so I recommended the doucmentary). I asked what he thought and his words were "not sold but whatever" I said "lol. I get it. It's a lot to take in....." No response. So H dropped off S14. Didn't come in, I didn't expect him to. He had messaged me, just before arriving abo taking s14 on he may long weekend (not this weekend but next.....7th is H's bday and 10th is S14's bday) I didn't see it until I got into the grocery store parking lot about an hour later. so I guess H was not happy that I hadn't responded to his texts because about an hour later he called my cell saying he was looking for A. 'You not home?' 'No. Everything ok?' 'Yes. Just trying to figure out the 18th?' 'Yes. It should be fine but I've not had a chance to look at the calendar' ' he wants to go' "I understand that. It should be fine but I'm going grocery shopping and haven't checked yet. If he's free no problem. I can let you know' 'ok. If you can tell me tonight so I can make arrangements?' 'Sure. And btw his hair cut looks great. Thanks for doing that' 'no problem'. Then 10 minutes later a text

"Just want to make sure that you remember he is allowed to be with me whenever he wants and I get to be with him over everyone else.. "

Ugggg.

He's pulled this text a few times, last time was when I went to Monte Carlo and the boys didn't want to stay with him. I didn't respond for a few hours but eventually said

"Hi. That weekend should be fine". "Thank you" "your welcome :)"

And that's where I am.

[job]

WR,
Your h sounds like a little boy who wants his friend around him, i.e., your son. Poor man, just doesn't get it.

I think you are handling your situation quite well and by not reacting to his comments, he has nothing to get his knickers in a twist about, except...the sun comes up and goes down each and every day. LOL!

[Whiterose]

Well, job, it turns out my tenant was right.......every time H is nice I get an FU letter from his L and he said he's been so nice I was gonna get the mother of all letters. Got a 7 page letter yesterday.

He's claiming that the separation caused him to be in such a state that it caused conflict with his boss and he was on the verge of being fired. Apparently they had several meetings as of October (funny October as he left in april) and that in February he was warned he'd probably be let go so this new job came he took it instead of being unemployed. And he's now saying he's making close to 25% less income. He doesn't want to pay any spousal and wants to give me $100/ month for our S19 who, although in full time school, works a part time job and should cover the rest of his own expenses. My sister asked if he was so distraught why did he not use the free counselling service offered by his extended medical!?!? Me assuming the mortgage was contingent upon the amount of support I received. He's wondering how I can cry poor me when I took a job that paid me in a luxury trip instead of cash. He can get fired for being distraught, after abandoning us and rarely seeing his children and having absolutely no responsibility but my one week away to further my career was bad?? He's contesting I paid any family debt so I need to show proof......his visa was in good standing when he started bouncing the mortgage which meant I had to take over the mortgage and stopped paying his visa......who did he think was paying that?? If I don't accept his terms, including stop paying the court ordered support currently as he's so bad off, he'll take me to court. Of course that is not desirable, as he's so bad off and it'll be expensive, but he will.


I've been upset since I got this letter yesterday. He's all over the place, which his normal I understand, but, he ignored me for so long, was nice and then this letter when he warned me at the beginning of April it was coming. I guess he waited for pay stubs which two were attached but I don't know how much more I can do. He's horrible. Just destructive and doesn't care who he takes out.

I'm tired and depressed and just don't know what to do anymore. I see my L Monday but it's just more fighting and legal bills to get what I need to save my children.

[job]

WR,
I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm not surprised that he's come back at you. Generally, when they are nice, they either want something to want to stick it to you. In your h's case, he's still hot that you went to overseas on your working trip. He doesn't realize that your company wasn't providing you a luxury vacation, but you were actually working. Silly, man.

Here are my thoughts on his claims. If he was having difficulty at work, it's not because of you, but because of him and his crisis. He wasn't about the use the free counseling service because he wants to play the victim and doesn't care who he takes down and how much it costs in the end. Also, you need to be on your toes, by him claiming he's making less money, he may very well come in and try to get you to pay him spousal support. Yep, you read it right.

If I were hit w/this type of nonsense, I would call him on his bluff and go to court. It's time to end this BS and allow you and your sons to get on w/your lives. BTW, if it goes to court, how is he paying his lawyer and court costs?

Do not allow this man to know he's upset you. It's all about control and being vindictive because of envy and jealousy. He's not happy, therefore you shouldn't be either.

Get your ducks in a row and be ready to meet w/your lawyer on Monday.