"Being on the same “team” or side as H in conversation. In the past when he’d complain about his boss or other things he was unhappy about I tended to play devil’s advocate and say “well I can kind of see their point, you DID do this…” I want to change this dynamic but I can’t do it unless he actually TALKS to me. -Not questioning/commenting/criticizing on where he’s going, when, or who he’s with. Right now I just ignore when he leaves or is gone and don’t say anything. This isn’t sustainable, and I don’t want to give the wrong idea that this is how it would still be if we were to R - I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation in a healthy M that you let your spouse know if you’re going out and in a vague way at least who you’re with (“I’m going out with some people from work after work, don’t wait for me for dinner” I’d be perfectly happy with), or that you won’t be home at the normal time. This isn’t an unrealistic expectation for normal people, is it??"
The Devil's Advocate thing really came back to bite me in the bum also.
4 months after the S we were having a R talk brought on by her and I was empathizing with her as much as I could and she would say "your just telling me what I want to hear" but she said one thing that made my ears perk up even more.
She said: You were never on my side you always picked work people over me. It was always "why are they mad what did you do" is what you would say.
It wasn't exactly like that but I did play devils advocate a majority of the time when all she wanted was a hug and a sympathetic ear and shoulder. I eventually got to the sympathy part during these work talks but according to her the damage had already been done. So she felt like I never had her back. it was not my intention but I understand how it could seem that way to her.
My problem like you is not enough talking to be on her side. The frustration with everyday life is now being told to everybody else but me.
Recently, she has told me of things that are troubling her but not too much so I haven't had a chance to be on "her side" that much.
When I get the chance though I use it much more wisely then I would have before the S
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Your story sounds very similar but we have a 2 year old and I'm 8 months pregnant. Which is a whole nother mess. I just joined and ordered the DB books so haven't read them but have been living by sandis rules and who knows..
