H moving out tomorrow

[TL72*]

Thanks courageouswife, looking at your signature I see that I could have years and years of this... I don't know that I have the strength for that. I want to have hope and believe but right now it seems like he's just gone. Only time will tell. New journey! I have to keep a positive spin on this. I'm going to go read your story.
thanks again,
Tina

[courageouswife]

Not necessarily could it be this long for you and your H! Every situation is different! Don't let my sitch stop you from your journey! Keep working on yourself, GAL and leave your H to God!!! One day at a time!

[TL72*]

Thanks CW - you're right, it seems that every case is definitely different but with lots of similarities. I'm dark right now. Still it seems to never leave my mind. I keep thinking he'll miss me and make contact. Trying to detach. I remembered that he has my car key so I need to get that back but i'm holding off asking because I don't want to make the first contact. I guess it's not that important. I will need to email him with his half of the bills though(the final bills before he moved out) but I think I'll wait and see another week if he asks for something. Part of me thinks that it's just over. Definitely one day at a time, just keep livin' I'm establishing my own new routine, asking God for patience every day. Getting a new couch this weekend I think which will help me with making this my own home and not the home I shared with him. Already making small changes. I know i'm supposed to stop wondering about him and focus on myself but sometimes I am thinking that how will he know that I want him back. I guess he knows since I told him early on I did not want this divorce. We have not discussed it since but it will be final in April. Part of me hates him for doing this. Part of me thinks it must be a blessing in disguise. This last 2 months seems like forever. He's only been gone a few days so I just have to be still for a moment and see what happens. After all these years it is hard to think of yourself first and not in terms of the relationship or marriage. Now I am going to need to learn to love myself and just be me and not half of a couple. It's difficult when you are used to telling that person something when it happens, even something silly like what the cat did or there was a new bird at the feeder, I lost my friend as well. Not going to dwell on this - just still processing it. I'm not crying anymore so that to me is a good sign. Comfortably numb? I know it will pass, over time. I won't let it break me, life is too short. It's his problem now.

[courageouswife]

Hey TL!

I'm sorry he has filed for D. My H did that too but didn't follow through. I was told then by the wonderful people on this board that it didn't matter...just a piece of paper! That is true!

I, too, have moments when I want to pick up the phone and tell my H something that happened that I know he would be interested in but know that I cannot! That too, will get easier!

I like that you are changing things up to your liking in your home! What else are you doing for GAL?

Make sure you are protected financially!

The one thing I think I might have finally grasped this second time around is that you do need to look deep within yourself and work on the things you don't like. I had thought I had done that but after H came home, I fell back into the same old comfortable patterns/habits and had not changed at all! THIS is very important to do...not for your H but for you! You will be prepared for whatever happens in the future and you will learn to love yourself and be comfortable with you!

I think you are doing well!!!

[TL72*]

Thanks CW,
I really appreciate you responding to my posts! It is so nice to just not be alone.
For GAL I have gone out to lunch with girlfriends 2 Saturday's in a row and I think we're going out Friday or Saturday night. That is new for me, I never go out really. I'm exercising and trying to eat healthy - since the BD I lost weight of course because I lost my appetite. I'm happy with that for sure, but not for the reason. I'm considering going to church which I've never done since I was a child. Going alone is a little scary for me, but it would be good for me. I've already separated all the accounts, he's off my checking and savings and my 401k is mine (it's in the divorce papers). The only thing left is to refi the house in my name only and I have a year to do so according to the papers. That's when I get angry that he basically abandoned me with this house we bought together and 6 pets. Now he can go buy expensive new stereo equipment and i'm stuck paying this huge mortgage on my own and caring for the animals. I love my animals but you know as a single person I never would have had 6, vet care is expensive. Then I stop having a pity party and think it is what it is, just take care of it. Just re-worked my budget. I'll get a 2nd job if I have to. I always handled the financials so you can believe I separated those out rather quickly. This weekend i'm going to do a deep cleaning on his bathroom that is now empty and change things up, also start painting and shopping for that new couch (mom is gifting me one). I was thinking that too about the divorce - just a paper. The old marriage is over, I threw out every picture of us and the wedding album and whatever else reminded me of it. It's over for good - if he were to ever wake up from this it would be a new relationship - clean slate. My thoughts drift to him since it is so new and thinking that he may be with OW but even that I can forgive. I can't predict the future so I just have to work through this and yes that means taking care of myself. I go to the dr on Friday for yearly physical and will ask for a referral for counseling. I find myself checking my phone to see if he texted or called. So lame. I'm doing it less and less though. I know this is a long journey and along the way maybe i'll find that I don't want him after all. OH and the other thing i'm doing is quitting smoking. I quit years ago but when he dropped the bomb... I picked it right up. Now my body is telling me to quit so I will be attempting that pretty quickly. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Still no contact.

[dxw689]

Good job on your no contact TL! I admit I just contacted my ex yesterday about a movie I watched that only he would get a reference to- and it did elicit a positive light-hearted text from him. But this morning, coincidentally, the school called for me to pick up my daughter because she was sick, vomiting. Turns out, daughter told the nurse she was throwing up last night as well. So husband should not have taken her to school and I feel he should have informed me as well, when my daughter is that sick. But I think this is a good example of how they (husbands in MLC) change to be so focused on themselves that they just are not making mature decisions and certainly are not thinking about how anything affects you at all. Best to you in your journey. Thanks for checking in on mine, too.

[T-boned]

Hi TL,just finished the two pages of your thread. I think you are doing amazingly well for the timeline of events you have experienced. You can see by mine that it has been almost a year since the BD on me . . and he just filed for D the beginning of Feb. And I still go through what you are describing, just not as much any more.

I also found all along that being alone with no one to share those things you used to share with not only your husband but best friend are some of the hardest times. That and crawling into bed alone at night. Ya, I don't miss the snoring either ( I can finally stay in my own bed)but there are times I would trade it to have him home and well. That's what ear plugs are for. <chuckle>

Yes, it will get easier later not to look for a text or missed phone call, so don't beat yourself up for wanting that right now. Your wounds are all still fresh. Yes, it does feel like a part of you was just ripped away, like some prehistoric surgery. Do all the crying you can when appropriate (not at work while you're on the phone or in a meeting,,,,), feel the hurt and work through it. Getting a reference to a counselor is a GREAT thing.


Yes, amazing how so many of the other posts here read as though you wrote it yourself - like you could sign your name to so many of them.

Stay as strong as you can (you will get stronger), feel all the emotions, cry, spend lots of time with your friends and if you're lucky, family, take comfort in them, and take comfort in your animals - they know something's up with you and will be there unconditionally (unlike some other 'animals' you know - you get my meaning,.,).

TL, I hope to come back soon and visit. Just know I, along with so many other people who are reading or who have read your posts but haven't answered, are here for you in soooo many ways.

Oh, how I wish you didn't have to go through this. But you've come to the right spot. You will get so much great advice and friendship here.


Love and hugs, my friend. Hang in there . . .

[T-boned]

Oh, and I forgot to mention . . .scream . . . in the car while you are alone! It's great afterwards.

And going dark, while it is really difficult right now, is really freeing the more you get used to it. Way to go, girl. I'm proud of you - I couldn't do it for a couple of months or more...

At times, be comfortably numb . . it's a good respite for your being.

Ok. I'll shut up now.

[courageouswife]

I agree with T=boned! You are doing really well for being so early into this! Being dark does get easier and gives you time to heal!

Glad you are going to keep up with no smoking! Don't let what your H is doing cause you to go backwards! When you take care of yourself and are feeling healthy...other good things start to fall into place!

[TL72*]

wow thank you so much for your responses, that really warmed my heart this morning!!
DXW-i'm sorry your daughter was sick, that's so lame he didn't even tell you - just wow. How can they become such strangers?

Tboned - your words really touched me, thank you so much for taking the time to write. These responses are so helpful. I haven't screamed in the car yet, but I did scream in the shower.

I went dark and had not heard from him all week but last night I emailed him the bills due and asked if he had my car key. I hate that I had to do that but there was no chit chat involved. He responded via email and said "yes I found it the other day" meaning my car key. So now i'm like "and?? will you mail it or what?" I don't want to email him again. I will give it a few days and respond that perhaps he can mail it to me with the check for his half of the bills (utilities from before he moved out).
On a positive note - I'm GAL!!!! I went out for the first time in forever with a girlfriend last night. We went to see a band play locally and it was FUN. We mostly people watched and we were both scared to even go but after awhile it was just about us and enjoying some time out for awhile. It was a good distraction!
Yesterday I went to the doctor as part of my "take care of me" plan for my physical. I decided to ask her for the list of counselors and she asked "sure I have one, are you feeling depressed?" OMG, I started CRYING in the doctors office!!! I had not cried since last Saturday when he moved out. I was so embarrassed but would you believe my doctor told me the SAME thing happened to her, she said her husband left her 3 months ago and bought a red porsche and a condo and had a new gf. He left with only his clothes. She hugged me and I felt better even though I knew she was suffering too. Unbelievable, it's just hard to wrap your mind around it some times. I'm trying trying not to get too absorbed in any anger or resentment, and that's difficult. Thinking about joining church, I found one close by that seems it might be a good fit. I think maybe next Sunday. One week down alone! Going to do some things around the house today and prep to paint! Must move forward as if he's never coming back. Thanks again you guys for helping me through this, it is definitely a comfort to know you're not alone.