NERO - still afloat - "JUST"

[Portia]

Nero,

It is so OK to rant and rave. We all need an outlet and sometimes it is really nice to have a forum friend help you see things in another way.

You are a caring person, Nero. There is no shame or blame in that. I believe that kindness is an underrated quality.

You are loyal. Family and promises mean something to you. Committment means something to you.

It seems in the greater world, things like loyalty, committment and honesty and obligation have fallen out of favour and have been replaced by selfishness, make yourself happy and if there is nothing in it for you, then don't do it.

I remember helping out my mother's friend when she got herself into some trouble. At the same time my cousin asked me for my help and I said I she would have to wait a day or two. She then asked me what I was getting out of helping my mother's friend, why would I do it? Never realizing that I could very well be asking that same question of why I would help her.

You know from my thread that I struggle with family that only seems to be around when they need something from me. Try saying no! They just keep calling and calling and calling.

I wish I could figure out a happy medium Nero, for both of us. But don't ever stop posting your feelings. It helps me not to feel alone.

[uRworthy]

Hello, my friend. Never apologize for being you, Nero. Those are your thoughts, and so, they are valid. They matter. There isnt anything wrong with being honest with how you feel and what you are thinking.

There is something wonderful about being someone with compassion and loyalty and having a conscience.

I have been where you are in terms of responsibility for my mom, who wasnt very nice for a long, long time. But I looked at it like this. She was my mommy. She gave me life. She did the best she knew how. So, I did the best I could to help her and take care of her til her last days.I did speak up kindly when she got too nasty. I have no regrets about it.

Your sister, on the other hand, needs some boundaries set. She has no right to treat you that way, Nero. It is not ok. Nor do you have to take it.

You know, Nero, you are always so hard on yourself. I dont know why that is. You are who you are. And there isnt a thing wrong with that.

I suspect when things come to a point where you cannot take it anymore, you will take action.

Until such time, embrace you, my friend. Realize how special you are, how unique. Remember that you are worthy and deserved to be treated that way.

Keep looking within, though. That should never stop. And be prepared to make changes when you are ready.

I am feeling that you are closer to that than you think.

[nero]

hey hi-

happy valentines day (oh cripes! did i say that???) i love th4 idea of this holiday still- even tho, honextly, it's such a huge bummer today. went to food store- i keep thinking in life tht holidays are celebrated for kids allll the time- i think it's nice and im portant- then people get old and forget about it- or "STOP PARTICIPATING".

I DON'T want to be one of them- the old old old people who stop participating and tell themselves they're all hard and cool and isolated, etc.

anyway- that being the case- i decided i would just get a small token bag of nuts (yeah- i know, how appropriate huh?) for h and let it go at that. i don't believe in just stopping being alive because it might feell ike it alot of the time- etc.

SOOO food store down here is (very nicely) chock full of gay guys all the time- today they were all buying bouquewts and balloons and so on- chatted with af ew people - everyone is alll full of the holiday. it made me blubber in the foodstore- BUT- IT ALSO MADE ME realize , again- and hopefully it will stick there right in the forefront of my myind-

that allll sortts f people have love and life with someone that appreciates them- i may have reached a giant end of the road, or plateau or wh atever this is in my life- feeling like nothin to noone- BUT FOR THE FUTURE- WHY THE HECK NOT??? I'M THINKING i'm nice as anyone else out there- all theusual crappola i say all the time- and believe.

maybe i'll run into some love of my life that will make all this go away- and become just an old memory in an old memorybox full of old cards and momentos.

i can't actually begin to plan anything in my life at this very moment- i'm not "gone" enough buti can't even think about it cause of my motehr's bad health and (i think) liklihood of dying sometime in the not too distant future. i don't want to sound hard- i can't think of another cutsie way to put it

\i talked to dr. and am banking on her hanging on for awhile yet so i will be there- i needed a littel get away- i needed to touch base with my "life" , well"my old life" - i don'ty know what i'll find.

today i'm finding that i need to probably walk right out of it one of these days and never look back.

i can't move til the whole mom thing is done and over- idk wyy6. if i am forced, naturally, i will do whatever i have to.

willingly- one giant "ordeal" at a time. i have a bad feeling lately - i kn ow what you're sayin ur- about6 being kind. i swear- i do my best. she's even pleasant now or then when we're by ourselves. she's very needy and i get that- she's not particularly nice - ig et that- i get it all.

i cannot change one tiny bit of any of it- i can be there for her when i'm up there. the 24-7 of it all- waiting- watching and watching and lsitening and listening, etc. just feelin a bit worn down- i hope4 i didn'ty make a huge mistake coming down to fl-

gut just said do it- it may be a een longer ordeal when i go back- who the heck can ever know???

i hope to always be able to face myself in the mirror. i may not do all the flashy stuff- or buy big gifts, etc. i am "constant" if nothing else.

i think i'll go have a bit of a blubber (self pity of course) you know- don't we all get one tiny dispensation for self-pity on valentines day when we're feelin a bity blue.

i'll go get the kids later if i can get my chore donw (ready for a doll sh ow tomorrow_ an that will be a huge boost of love- two little babies who want nothin more than to play, talk toyou, ahve a hug and some candy- yay.

that's the real thing- that love injectino when life is getting low and lower and likely to get even worse sooner rather than later. YAY FOR baby-love. i'll take it.

okay- that is pitiful old me here- maybe you're right ur- some days i feel like i don't want to know about this anymroe.

if ow has to be there - between us- then goh ave her and let me outta here.

i'm tired of the message i'm getting here- in general in life-

xxoo feelin better already- sorry universe for the whine- it's a hard morning - idk- i got used to av ery high level of being cared about in life- even if it was self-delusion.

it's hard goin cold turkey- hoping it won't last forever-

xxoo happy valentines day and lots of love from millions of other angles to everyone out there- i know there's more to life than our errant spouses and our broken hearts and lives - letsd hope i'm right and lets hope we all run into some kind of wonderful love from some kind of wonderful other angle- love of a creatiopn - love of a hobby or interes- a dog, cat, baby, frined., for some wonderful piece of cake- love - any kindfor anything- life? love of being alive??? love of being in our comfy bed when alot of world sleeps on the dirt floor? idk- SOMETHING- ANHYTHING- PLEASE HAND ME MY (HALF FUL) CUP PLEASE!!!. some LOVE for everybody PLEASE.

xxo deluded love-pie here - thank you and drive thru please

[willbwell]

nero, I was thinking about you...happened upon your post to cc.
you always make me smile. what a treasure you are. what an honest dear kind soul.
Im not making it happen presently, but I want that person who can give back to me, like I give. I know I have great capacity...
Sure, it is too bad for h. h forgot, or rather, h is looking else where for the happiness that we are so fortunate to know resides within us.
val day passed, h's bday passed. The kids got him cake and cards. I think he looks so sad.
I need to get better at detaching. I am still too nice to h but it is because it is who I am.

the place my mom lives( memory unit) in assisted living. well they told our family they can no longer provided care. so my siblings have been out looking for another place for her.its ok, because we were disappointed with the place she was living anyway. eveytime the phone rings in the early AM, I think oh, no... that getting old process is no fun...but seeing my mom's decline,I think it taught my siblings and me compassion,maybe even gratitute. I am thankful for the care my siblings take.I am not capable of doing it myself- distance, and even if I lived in the same town, I don't have the same level of kindness that my sisters have.
time to get a move on this day...
all is well for today...

[Portia]

Hey Nero,

I don't know if it was self-delusion, but you are right, we do get used to a very high level of care. That what makes this situation so cruel. Bang - I am no longer loved as I thought!

Of course we find out the truth, sort of. Then my SO could not get away from me fast enough. And if I was in trouble now, I doubt he'd show up. (Then why can't I let go!!??)

All I can say is that I will be glad to be done. To one day take that breath and know that I am done.

You won't be in limbo forever, either. We both have lots of living to do.

[nero]

hi kids -

oh mannnnn - been v. darn busy- two kids in the afternoon is wearing me out. poorlittle older girl wants to be the baby- and poor little baby wants to be bigger. there's no justice is there? everyone is always chasing their tail wanting the thing they don't have. i used to feel soooo lucky (well, still do - sort of) to be a person who was grateful for what i had- "had" being the opertive word i guess now.

anyway- think i'll get girl only and we can paint or do soemthing requiring some patience. she kills herself being wacky( i'm gussing her way of "competing") she loves her brother- but it's certainly something there-

i do get it- babies require "more" so seem to get "more" - i'm gonna tor4ture her with hugs and peeps til she begs for mercy. ta da- we got some serioyus "big girl junk to do".

ANYWAY- WILL BE WELL- OH MAN -= - THE TRYING to be better with being kinder, etc. and DETACHING. one wonders if we know them, know of them, see them, etc. - will be EVER be totally DETACHED - ENOUGH??? I'M LOTS more not wounded than before- i'm not all CURED THO- I'M NOT ALLLL NEUTRAL THO. I'M STILL NOW AND THEN immersed in anger and resentment.

had big ole 'CHAT with my good buddie down here- she makes me laugh-it's very the4raputic and then there are the stories of her mess of a first marriage - back a million years ago- it helps- but then, in the middle of the night- i think the junk we discuss lingers on in my head and comes to life- ta da- a sleep deprived night- ensuing ratty day.

oh well- i guess it's fun to laugh and talk about it5 - get it out. i have to stop it tho- i have to either put it all behind me or get the heck out5. can't seem to do the latter yet- asusual- still working on it. the DECISION. live "like this" or run away.

can't seem to get past the total mess of a sitch with my mom- here care, etc. the sister sitch with everyone shooting out their big old opinions and "how it should be dones" , UH HEM- to me of course- since it's ALLLL MY JOB.

SO FAR- i'm here in fl- far away. have talked to mom- she's doing okay. i get panicked sometimes up there with iti n my face and in my hands alllllllll the time , every minute of every day- and it begins to take over and consume me. i know i need to detach from that too, alot, but it's one thing to know it- it's another by far to see someone in need and walk past that. i cannot seem to. duty, obligation,c aring? guilt- all of the above. i am sooooo not good at this junk-

here's me- i care- it's total. i don't or am trying not to- it's (try8ng to be) total. I am failing at that , btw, but i'm trying.

i thought i had alot of self control in life- i can see tht i can use a world more. or i have to get right away from the sources of irritation. how to capture total control - while immersed in total sh!tstorm of obligation, confusion,e tc.]

YAY- HA!! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS ALLLLL CURED AND SERENE-

NO MAAM.

portia -

(Then why can't I let go!!??)

oh man- again - do i ever feel your quandry here. why indeed. me too- i cannot abide notion oft his stinkin ow being in my life with "us" forever. which is exactly what it is/was. the stinking notion that my entire life has been a f'ing pos, lie, delusion on my part. how dare he. isn't that quaint and insane - how dare he??? i find myself thinking it.

WHAT sort of person does that to someone else- not a good one. i can find a bunch of good qualities- perhaps tho, they are merely borne of not caring? (lack of jealousy, generousity (maye only protecting his "investment" and intends to f'ing fleece3 me and get his money back? idk-

without the LOVE FILTER THERE in my head and heart - which used to be firmly in place across the board- sisters, mother, h, i am not able to get "EVEN' AGAIN. just now. ihate it- i do not approve of it- i am trying to ride it out and keep it hidden because- truly- it's counter productive and perhaps not true- tho, perhaps it is quite true. can't even figure that one out.

i am soo frustrated today. up til yesterday's "can of worms" conversation- i was doing okay. pleasant trip down=- h being pleasant to be around- the occasional actual touch - nothing major- jsut more than before. idk- i have no idea what in the world i even have in mind here-

i do not expect him to change and be a better person. i don't think i beliee anymroe this is something new or tempoerary- it hink he's alwasy been a giant selfish rat and i never ever tumbled to it. i think he and everyone in the world almost i know is total self-oriented users of jerkboats like me- SEEE, WHT A CHILDISH and rotten attitude.

it's just too many important people dead or attached in this "me against the world" feeling i get sometimes. i'm not doing anhything major because i can't even fiture ou56 what the heck is going on with me being at war with e3veryone in the world.

boy oh boy- dashed hopes, dreams, heart & favorite delusions is a tough nut to cra k.

ta da- i am still alive tho, i still am grateful to hear from you guys- i hjope you're all well and chugging along. i hope you're rite portia- that we'll get past this someday - soemtime.

i swear- some days i think i will never be albe to just walk away from this guy -

oh well- shoveing that back into the back caves of my brain and not going there. now, if i could keep that rock over the cave opening at night- i'd be in good shape.

i'll push this off til i know what the heck is going on with my mother- i know she'll never get younger or "better"- i think we have a way to go tho- in that sitch- and i guess i am stuck in it somehow til she's gone.

i am able to visit and participate and lug her to the hospi6al and do what i have to m,, in day to day life with a 89 year old anghry woman who can be nice about 1/10 of the time- and feels compelled to complain and express her anger, paranoia, criticism, etc. the rest ot he t ime=- to me particularly, but it's slow going. i feel old and it makes me dread old age and makes me feel like too much negativeism and death in my face.

death of r, death of her (one of these years, days, weeks) , death of my sister 2008 - death of h's dad & aunt last year-

it's wierd that it makes me happy and grateful to be alive and well- and also at same time makes me feel used up and ancient and worn out.

oh well- onward today - sew a doll skirt and do something fun- good luck guys-

xxoo thanks for being out there- hear car pulling up- i'm outta here- nobody looking over my s houlder ...

i am, btw, being very neutral and nice but aloof alot of the time- own activities, not needy or wanna come? ish - i am gal slowly- it may not be the one i want- but i'm workin on it.

i don't know how the heck long i can stay this course. i think h thinks this will "work for him" forever.

i will not make it6 forever- like you guys- i do deserve more and i'd like some love and affe tion please - and not from ONLY a dog. or pet. they're good - but not good enough. ya gotta wonder if we get stuff just cause we want it- or if there's a certain "allotment" one gets in life of happiness- and then gotta suck it up and be am iserable specimen (like my mom) til you die. i hope not- i'm voting on there being something we can do to help ourselves and if we don't wanna be a miserable old sock- we don't have to. now, wher4e did i leave my g"surething guide to true happiness" book - yeah - rite.



xxoo

[nero]

HE HI WORLD-

STILL plugging along. ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THE HECK UR WORTHY IS? I CAN'T EVEN FIND HER NAME ON THE LIST POSTING- SO AM WONDERING??? i just wanted to say hey- and hi.

I'M RATHER CRAPPOLA AT NAVIGATING HERE AND THERE AND SERACHING- I TRIED, BUT STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE IN THE HECK SHE GOT TO?

NOW THAT i'm here- I don't have much to say. just same old stuff and i bore myself really- and charge myself up and for what? i'm sure i'm boring the entire world to be honest- so for moment i'm trying to just quit it.

thanks everybody hope you're all doin okay- and hanging on and so forth-

xxo have a great day

[job]

Hi Nero,
I saw a posting from urWorthy the other day on Tad's thread. I think she must be busy with work and other things. I haven't seen anything from Rosa Linda either.

How are you doing?

[uRworthy]

Hello, my friend. I have been dealing with some stuff, but, I am ok.

You are still so hard on yourself, Nero, and act as if who you are isnt ok. And that isnt true.

You are a good person, who cares, and who has a heart. Nothing wrong with that.

The problem comes when your actions dont feel right to you. When they are not met with the kind of reactions you expect or hope for.

So, sometimes, we have to think about why we do what we do. What drives our actions?

I have learned that I do what I want or need or feel the right thing is to do, without regard to what people may say.

You be your wonderful self, Nero. Even if you sister or whoever else, disagrees. Being true to you matters.

As far as your h, we all get to where we need to be in our own time and in our own way. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There's just your way. And there isnt anything wrong with that.

You have come such a long way, Nero, and made big changes. I would love to see you accept who you are some. Because the rest of us see how very special you are.

[nero]

heyhi-

as usual - i'm humbled by your kind response. (and flattered too) i cannot figure out what the heck it is I "want" from people, life, h, etc. (as far as reactions) or ever "wanted". ( you say what "drives" me) I'd say like the whole world, to be loved or appreciated by someone(s) - to have a "family" or a "pack" to be part of - to be honest - it's not the kind of thing i ever thought about. Also - I really would just like everyone to be happy and have a nice life.

i thought family was incredibly important. i thought i had some people who loved me for who i was and found "the good" in me. i thought my family members thought it was important too-.

i am wrong - and have been for quite a while possibly . maybe a lifetime. it is taking me a long time to get used to this notion- - possibly forever - possibly about everyone. (& most things?) and i mean the big things - the important things.

maybe at some point everything & everyone changed inlife - and i didn'& I didn't know it.

sounds drastic - i know- but it seems accurate (mostly). sooo- short version is i'm workin on it- getting used to idea- getting thru next portion of my mom's life & end of life and then i'll try and figure out who the heck i may have become that i don't see (and of course who or how i should be) - and who the heck fits into my life and wants to be there. and what is a total waste of effort and i need to just move away from.

did that make sense?

as usual- i'm trying to bite my tongue and not dive into "BEING HONEST" with anyone rite now or decide anyhthing major just now - i know what a heightened anxiety level i've got going. i do not see it miraculously disapearing til this big "undertaking" i have before me is over. the insane aftermath- with my wacky, greedy family will be anotehr freak show- but no one will be suffering. it'll just be personality clashes and selfish interests competing. nice huh?

it's very very hard to watch another human being crumble away little by little & die - and even harder to fear for their future pain & despair on their way. isn't it a shame we can't save people from their lives sometimes? i am hoping for a kinder end for my mother than my dad. fingers crossed with it all.

sorry for dreary me- i just am today- but one way or the other will proceed - rite?

so- glad to hear from you- as usual i am a storm of confusion and no real answers - but hey - alive, lucky to be so, glad to be me (whoever thisvnutvjob is) sure i'll figureit all out someday or else get a life where it can be put i a drawer somewhere and gotten past - move on -

thanks man- xxoo