I may have done too much

[sandi2]

I don't blame you for staying in out of the cold! But while you are waiting for the snow to melt, maybe you could make out some sort of "survivor's plan" for those nights when you are struggling being alone or you're bored and can't think of anything. I leaned as a dieter I needed to make out my menu and have my supplies on hand. If I waited until I was really hungry, then my resistance wasn't strong enough. So I had to think ahead and have something ready at all times.

Maybe as ideas come to you, you could jot it down and have it on hand. And, coming to the board every night will help. I hope you will be able to balance things that are good for you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Do you get depressed easily during the winter months?

I understand about cutting off some friends, etc. You don"t want to start up old behaviors that weren't good. Hopefully, you will be able to make new friends. I see a lot of couples like you, who pretty much stick to each other until they wake up one day and realize they don't have any buddies. It will take some time, but it is something to look forward to and plan.

A lot of newcomers confuse the PMA with being friends to the WAS. A lot of people may not agree with me on this subject. It is just my opinion. I think the LBH can be nice.....like you would be friendly to a stranger, but you don't act like you are their BFF. You show friendliness.....as part of your personality, but you draw the line there. As some use to say......you are friend--ly, but not friends. Make sense?

Your W is having an A. Whenever a woman feels like she can leave a note to her H telling him she won't be home again that night, that is pretty bold even for a WAW. She either thinks you won't care, or she feels she has no consequences to face, or she can tell you anything and it will be okay. Whatever, she is disrespecting you, and why would you want to be her friend? I think a lot of guys make a mistake in trying to be BFF with their WAW. It is much better, IMO, if he acts nonchalant about whatever she does.



Now don't swing too far the other direction. Just as some confuse PMA with friendship, others confuse detaching with acting cold. You keep a positive mental attitude about things in general. In other words, you work towards not talking, thinking, or acting in a negative way that makes you look as if you've eaten sour grapes. Who wants to be around someone like that?

Detaching is an attitude. It does seem to be opposite of what many think a MR is. But if you will read up on it, I think it would be most beneficial. If I can find the post, or if someone else knows where it is, we can copy it. It is a great definition of detachment.

I hope I have not confused you more.

[D2ndday]

Not at all Sandi2, I understand what your saying. I mean I don't want to be her friend. I was trying to be positive about things and seem happy. I guess I was behaving as I would with a friend. Saying things that I find funny or exciting that are happening with me. Listening and paying attention when she talked about things like her work.

I will stop leaving reply notes. I think the notes could be a number of things. I mean we have left notes for each other since day one. They used to be love notes, but also said what we were doing for the day. Wishing the other to have a great day and such. This was what they became more when we went on opposite schedules. Now, I have written them back I think because it was a routine. They should stop though. The reason I have not stopped them has been that it lets me know if I need to check on the dogs on my lunch break, or if she will be there to do that. Even as I say this I see I am planning around her. Also the notes still have had things like, "have a great day" so I know they need to stop. I will work on detaching more, being careful not to go to far in the other direction. I will read up on that more as well.

Its funny because when we first got together, I was going out every night. She would come to, but then did not want to anymore. She wanted to stay in, and so I cut back on going out. I then got the OUI, and I stopped going out altogether. I slowly stopped hanging out with friends. Became centered on coming home to spend time with her. It was a real mistake in our R. Now, I am looking around, and see I don't have those friendships. Now that is good in a way because they were my restaurant friends. It was all about drinking, hooking up, partying. I am just not into it now. But now I am pretty lonely, my partner is not here. So that has to change.

I did check out a dating site, but that felt weird. I also contacted an ex, and had some nice talks with her. It made me feel better. I think my ego has been pretty damaged in all this. So while it did help, and she was very supportive.

However, now I am home alone again. I don't have a lot of interest in going out to hang out with friends at night. This is the hardest time as well, the nights. I think that will take some work. I am going to try and hang out with some coworkers during the day. Maybe all bring our dogs to the park, something like that.

I am a summer guy. I need the sun. Winters up here are long, and so I do tend to be a homebody this time of year. I came her because of my family. I have stayed for them, and that reason is still here. Otherwise, I would have probably left. I would not say depressed, but I am less motivated. I just don't care for 20 below zero for extended periods.

Maybe a plan would be good. I mean I do have some projects both around here and for work, that I am lining up. So making a schedule would probably be good. I like structure and that would help with that. I will work on that as well. I need to keep bringing myself back to this moment. Not thinking about anything else around me. Just focusing on what I need/want right this moment. Taking some time, here and there to just do nothing at all. Just sit. And look at what I am feeling right now. Then doing something. Which has helped some.

I am alone tonight. I am making some food, probably going to do some reading here. I have the next 2 days off, and so maybe plan those out so that I am not here. She is coming home tomorrow, at least she says. So, I will work on that as well.

I posted this tonight, when I felt tempted to snoop. So far it has prevented that urge, and the urge has faded. It just kind of comes on strong, like I need to snoop. But if I can do something else for a few minutes, that need, fades. One day at a time.

[LFC1170]

Brother, I feel for you. Nobody deserves that. Hope everything works out for you. I would also recommend u read Men are from Mars / Women are from Venus and incorporate those communication skills if not for your current relationship then your next one.

[D2ndday]

Thanks man, I agree! LOL.

Today has been challenging. She comes home after work tonight I am guessing. Trying to stay busy today. I don't know why it is harder today. Maybe because I have been thinking about how I can behave differently. What would look like. What I would say, and what I would say if she asks why I am acting differently. She may not ask. For all I know, she may like that we aren't talking. I feel like what was talked about here earlier, is a fine line to walk. I am trying to place what that will look like in action. I know there will be time here where we both will be home. I think I will just go to the bedroom and read, if she is in the living room watching tv. I don't know.

I hate that I keep thinking about here. She makes me so mad today. All that she is doing and has done. Sandi2, you said to get out of the house, I am trying. It is hard being here. Because as I go around doing chores, and really anything, I am reminded. Pretty much every room in our house has wedding photos or vacation photos. I mean I was cleaning our room, and found old love notes. Which is fine, but it just keeps it on the surface. I've thought about taking them down, but, I cant yet. I guess, I don't have the heart to.

I feel like I am living in a false reality. Pretending that what has happened and is happening, is not real. I mean, sometimes I just want to tell her to get out. you cant stay here anymore. tell her to file for divorce. I mean what are you waiting for? Enough. I guess because I want to feel empowered. I want to not feel up and down all the time. Other times, and more often, I fell like I am holding onto this shard of hope. Hope that she will see the error in her ways. That she will see what she is leaving behind and realize its a mistake. I know it is a mistake, she is just so delusional right now. I don't know if she will ever wake up.

So I think I get it, I mean I cant control what she does, feels or thinks. I CAN control what I do. I feel like it is becoming a routine to try and remember to bring myself back to this. that I do have some control, control over me. And sometimes I do feel empowered. My work has actually been great for that. I have taken on some extra projects at work. I feel focused on work when I am there, instead of thinking about home.

I was saying before, she has been my main friend for a long time. So much of my life has been about her. So like today, I would usually do my chores and then she would come home. We might do something together, id make dinner for us, and we might watch a movie. That was the routine for so long. So stepping out of this routine is hard. But I am going to head out today soon. Do have a few things lined up for the day. Working out this am, did help relive some of the pent up frustration.

Venting here as I said before has been great. Sometimes just typing what I want to say. Or what challenges I feel I am facing. Getting your insights and advise. After reading DR and DB I still feel like I am narrowing it down to where I am now. I do come from a therapy background, meaning I have been through a fair amount of it in my life. I still BS myself sometimes, and I appreciate when I've been called out on it here too.

I think I struggle with the application of the techniques I've read. I get caught up when I am eye to eye with her. Or once she is in my head, suppressing that. I will be trying a little more avoidance. Like going to another room, when I can. Even though I cant see the goal line, I am trying to keep faith. Taking deep breathes. Two phrases have helped me a lot.

One is: What's the worst thing that can happen? and could I handle that or get through that? So far the answer has been yes, this has helped calm the anxiety of the what if's.

The second is the serenity prayer.

Patience and being in the present, the right now.

[LFC1170]

I sympathize with you. My situation is a little different in that my wife, I believe, is not having an affair. HOWEVER if she WAS going out having sex with someone else before she filed for D and then used OUR home as some sort of basecamp to replenish her energies to go out again, I don't know how long I would hold on either. You are the model when someone else says "i'm doing all I can". Just know that you, with what you are doing for yourself, can not say to yourself " I could be doing more".

If you do manage to hold on and employ the LRT to get you through this, you might be rewarded in the future. It sounds like, not only is she having this A, but maybe going through MLC as well. If that's the case, stats say those "distractions" have a duration. When it is over she may come back and realize your understanding of her situation and how you didn't abandon her. I don't know or maybe it's all a fantasy we are living in.

Then again, my male family mantra is "The cure for the hurt from a woman is another woman"

[D2ndday]

Thanks LFC, I am glad you said this, because I often feel like, "what else could I be doing?" I mean this in the simple form that I don't want to look back and say, "I could've done more." I don't want to feel like I didn't try. She may be acting like she is willing to just throw it all away. But for me, when I got married, I made a promise, I gave my word. I want to and I feel like that should still mean something even if she is not willing right now. I cant control that, but I can control myself.

For the record I think it is part a MLC. I mean after we had a miscarriage this summer, after our first time really trying to have kids, I think she went into depression and hid it. She started getting big tattoos all over, which was not the norm. I mean she had a couple small ones when we got together. They were all Tats of overcoming adversity. She lost desire in trying again. Started wanting to go out and party again. Also to go join a band. Things she expressed no interest in prior. Sure, when we were in our 20s. But then we got married, bought a house, and were going to start a family. When we had the miscarriage, I think it did that to her. I also was not there for her emotionally. I traditionally don't show my bad feelings with her or others. Sadness is really what I mean. I grew up seeing it as a sign of weakness. I have felt like I was not allowed to show it, I needed to be the rock. So when miscarriage happened, yes I was sad, but I didn't go through or was not open to see that she was struggling with it. I was unavailable because of that. In hindsight I see this.

Believe me, Another woman sounds great just for a couple reasons. I don't deserve this. I am one hell of a catch. My ego was definitely damaged by this, so I do want to feel desired. I don't like feeling like I am somehow a backup, this is how I feel I am treated right now by W. So, maybe if I was dating she would realize what she gave up. HOWEVER, I cant act on any of that. I still love my wife, I still have woman married blinders on, in that I look at other woman right now, and am just kind of turned off. I really just want to be intimate with her. I looked at online dating, and tried to picture dating any of the women, and I cant see it.

I did do something I feel really bad about. I have had this girl that I have known and dated on and off for 18 years. We were in our teens when we got together. We got pregnant early on, and had a Abortion, per our parents. After 3 yrs we broke up. A few years later, we ran into each other, and got right back together. Again, we got pregnant, and again an abortion. Once more we dated a few more years. I was going through a lot at the time, and left the relationship, moved from Colorado to the northeast with my family. Basically they were leaving and so I did too. I left her, I guess I just didn't believe in her love. We have talked on and off over the last 14 years. We stopped talking when I got married. I stopped talking, because I guess I did not want to be tempted by her. She [censored] me in.
She had sent me a friend request on FB, which I ignored for about a year.

A few weeks after the bomb dropped, I accepted it. I messaged her just saying hi. We have started talking. She is in a serious relationship, on the verge of marriage. However said they were going through a hard time. She was not happy in general with her life. Our chatting right away felt like it was like old times. She was telling me how much she missed me and cared for me. How thoughts of me were keeping her up at night. All these loving things. I was just sucking up too. It felt so good to be desired, and complimented on what a great guy I am. One night, somehow we got on the topic of dirty texting. She then started sending very sexual texts that night. We were up till almost 5am doing this. At the time, I was loving it.

Right after, or the next day since I went to bed pretty quick. I felt such horrible guilt. I saw what I was doing and had done. I was the OM. I was doing just what this guy did to my marriage. I was disgusted with myself. I still feel that. We texted a few messages the next days, very casual, Hope you having a great day kind of stuff. The last 72hours, we have been silent. I know she is backing off and so am I. I think we both realize what had happened. I had told her beforehand, I knew she was in a Relationship, and I was in whatever this is, and that I was not looking to cause problems or pursue anything.

After the texting night, she had said, because there were thousands of mile between us, it felt safe. This is true. I mean, despite the other things I just said about how I felt. In reality, I have no intention of moving back out there, and I would say the same is true for her. She ahs a house they just bought. She had just started her own business. So, what then. Also I am no where near being done with what I am dealing with. I mean even if my W and I get a D, that will take forever, and selling our house, again a long long time.

But at the time, it all felt so good. I can see now, that it was wrong but at the time... That's one of my big problems. I sometimes just act, and don't realize the consequences of my actions till after. Even dealing with what's happening right now at home. I am working really hard to slow down. To think before I say anything, because I am trying to not rely on my instincts which want me to plan. I look at my situation, and my instincts want me to react. My W seems fine with this situation. She has not filed yet, she is still living here on and off. I was thinking about it, she is just focused on the OM. I mean not doing any housework, not taking care of her health. I don't understand any of this from her side. I mean if you are done, than go. If you want out, than do it. What is she waiting for?

I know this message is long, and I felt the back story on the OW, was important for context of why this texting thing was the way it was. I am not going to be the OM. I think I just wanted to feel wanted. I know she wants me. I know there is a reason we kept breaking up. I guess part of it was also that she is familiar. I also know I do love her(OW), I always have. But, I am not in love with her. I still do now want to pursue that. I was feeding a need, and now I feel bad about it.

Last night W was home, she was quiet, and so was I. I went to the bedroom and read for awhile. I had found, or thought I found a D support group that was happening last night. So I left her around 7 to go check it out. apparently my info was dated, and it does not happen anymore. I stayed out for like 2hours though, just reading in my car. When I came home, she was headed to bed. Since she had to get up at 3am for work, which is normal. So, I ordered a movie and went to bed after. She left a note again, saying she would be out tonight, but back Friday night.

So that's 3 nights this week. They are becoming more frequent. The notes, the behavior right now really feel like staying here is just about convenience. The OM is about 45min. south of here. Her work is about 5min north of here. So when she has to get up at 3, which is not every day, I think that's why she stays here. The only reason, it feels. Fine. I on the other hand will no longer be leaving notes.

I am getting better at not snooping. every time the last few days I have had the urge, I make myself go do something. whether it is posting a long story here (lol) or working out, I find a distraction to do first. Then when I finish that, I usually don't have as strong an urge and can keep busy. I have the day off today, and have some things to keep me busy today. I will be trying to keep focused on that.

I look back at what has happened so far with the Bomb dropping, talk of D. I felt like there was no way I would ever feel any better. But here I am. I am still here. I do feel a little better. But I am making it through. So even when it has seemed like the sky was falling, I survived, and I am still.

[LFC1170]

I hear what you are saying about dating. I struggle with this as well. I don't want to date anyone but my wife BUT I admit the feeling I get from other women on these sites is a real ego boost. Ego boost leads to confidence, confidence leads to better self-esteem, self-esteem leads to the feeling you can handle anything that comes your way and be the man you were born to be, which would help you, in an ironic way, to continue the LRT. So, to me, the only way to heal yourself from the pain caused by a woman is not other activities, engulfing yourself in work, going out with the boys, those are all distractions. It is the admiration and appreciation that you can only receive from another woman that will give you the confidence and self-esteem you need as a male. Just my thinking.

The LRT preaches going out and meeting people but surely you will also be meeting other women. What happens when the temptation is there? In such a fragile state from being rejected for so long you will probably accept any outside offer. How does that affect the LRT? Help? Hurt? This is what I struggle with and so I'm just inclined to stay at home.

I certainly don't blame you for engaging in sexting with that other woman. You felt your M was over. Along came a woman that appreciated you for who you were and showed you acceptance. This is what u needed internally and you showed momentary weakness. I think that's normal and you should not beat yourself over it. My wife told me to go out and bang other women. I'm still married if just on paper only. If you get approval is it still cheating? I didn't, but not because i'm nobler or stronger than anybody else. I think if I got the opportunity I would've "jumped" on it

Also if this OM knows your wife is married and STILL engaging in sexual relations with her, this makes him a willing accomplice in Home Wrecking and I have no respect for people like that.

[blinded]

Man I feel for you too. My W had a miscarriage about 3 years ago, and I think tqhat maybe she is now having a bit of a MLC in the mix. I can't be sure but I'm doing all I can to do my 180s for me and who knows, maybe she'll come around. My only fear is that if she leaves then I may lose everyday contact with my daughter. Plus I am very much in love with my W still, and it hurts like a mother thinking about her not loving me back.
I do have a cry at times when I'm alone and I keep repeating to myself that it is OK to feel like crap. Your whole life was turned upside down and inside out... Hang in there, and if you want check out my thread as well. Some similarities although I am not aware if there is OM. From my W's behavior I think (hope?) there isn't...

[D2ndday]

Also if this OM knows your wife is married and STILL engaging in sexual relations with her, this makes him a willing accomplice in Home Wrecking and I have no respect for people like that.

I agree. With the OW, I felt like that is who I was, and I have stopped it. SO, the idea that this guy is continuing, makes him a**, sorry but he is. I mean I did that one thing. I got it, and have backed off. I mean the OW is not married but she is in a relationship. Even so, I felt bad about myself. My point is that this guy has continued and taken it to another level. I don't see how you can look in the mirror doing that to someone. Even if you don't know them. What kind of foundation is that for a relationship. BUT, I have to stop think about it. It just pisses me off, and really does nothing positive for me.

Blinded, I did not get it at the time, how hard the miscarriage was for her. I think as a guy, I just did not get it. Was it sad, yes, very. Was it going to take some time, sure. Did I know she was sad, yes. But I think I measured it by my own sadness. So when I was ready to try again, I expected her to be too. Instead she started getting more tattoos. "Once I finish this tattoo we will try again" she would say. These were elaborate pieces that were broken up into sessions that spread over a few months. I started becoming worried, but by then, I think it was getting late and I did not take the right actions. I should have done more then, and now, we are where we are. I still don't think I fully grasp how much of an effect it had on her. I mean I get that it was her body, but more than that I think there was a whole other emotional piece that I never had seen or experienced. She is also anti therapy, so I think even if I had suggested counseling back then, it would not have helped.

I share your pain, and like LFC said, I think we all are felling this way. We don't want anyone but our wives. We still love them and are committed to them. I know for me, I had no idea I would hurt this way for any woman. I knew I loved her, but this is more. I mean I have dated other woman, but no break up measures to this.

Just this moment, I just finished eating dinner alone. W is away for the night. I felt this wave of sadness come over me. I am alone. Then I cam here, and read your posts, and typing this now, had distracted me. I don't know if I am less sad, but I am not sitting there thinking about it. I feel little more motivated to look at what I want to do next tonight.

[LFC1170]

My wife also miscarried. Hardest thing I went through at the time.