I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

TipAnna, Your right! Although it is a concept I struggle with all the time. I am talking about it needing to be about me. Going from being the caregiver, to being an independent. A friend visited us like 2 years ago. I had not seen him since we got married. He made this comment, "man, what happened to you, you used to be such a leader, and now you work around her schedule." At the time, I blew that off, like, "oh you don't know what your talking about, this is marriage, this is what you do, its compromise." I thought this, did not say it like that to him. But now, it comes to mind. I did loose that side of me. I became fixated on taking care of her every need. I did not want her to want. When we had met I was independent, and maybe losing that hurt things also. It falls in the timeline. So getting back to being confident. Like you said, "and what if? You'll deal with it if that does happen." I can see I still zig zag back to worrying about her. But I can see that, and also that that needs to stop. I need to keep my mind on me. What is best for me, what will make me happy.

Sometimes easier said than done, but trying. I think I am making some progress there. Also, from DB reading, Gonna take smaller steps instead of trying to do everything at once. Patience remembered.

[D2ndday]

I am just going to vent for a moment. I am sooo pissed off. Wife has started texting me, and that's fine. Mostly just simple questions, like if I have an appointment, or hope my tattoo goes well today. Nice things but casual. The this afternoon, I get, "Hope it goes well, i'm not sure I remembered to tell you in my morning note that I'd be out tonight, I'll be home tomorrow night." It was like that one text, just ruined my day. I got angry, and still am. This is the 2nd time this week, she has gone there. It was like once a week or so. So knowing she was going a 2nd time. I am feeling just soo....well all the feelings I have about her continuing the affair just come right to the surface.

All the questions and paranoia I have. She must be going to stay with him. They are probably going to have sex. How could she be doing this to me? How can she be living under the same roof as I am? How is she acting like everything is ok? She cant really feel comfortable in our house. How is she so, emotionless about that? She is slipping away. I don't get it. And what, I am supposed to just stay here and hold down the fort? BS! I mean, its winter and we have lots of snow and cold. I am not going out in this.

The thought has crossed my mind though. I mean the temptation to say, well then I am going to go out and have my own affair. Or maybe a one night stand. Or maybe I will go out and hit up a strip club. I wont do any of these things. But it just [censored]! And trying to remain patient, letting whatever that is, run its course, just seems so unfair and abusive to me. I don't deserve this! I know that! I am stuck between, holding onto hope, and wanting her to come back, and feeling like telling her to hit the road. I am trying, and it is taking every ounce of my being to keep my mouth shut. I responded to her text just saying that I hope my appointment goes well too. I know I need to give her space. I need to not focus on her or D, or OM. Man is easier said than done sometimes. It takes something like today to just make me fall.

I picked up some sushi, my favorite food, something I usually don't get to eat because she hates fish. I will probably watch a movie, maybe call some family. Do something I enjoy. Try to focus on that instead of her. Maybe vent a little here, lol.

Trying not to plan, or worry about what is ahead. Pretend that what she is doing is non existent. Wipe her from my thoughts tonight. I know there is nothing I can do about her right this moment. What I can do is focus on me. Maybe read another chapter of DR. I am sure most ppl say they wish the WAW would read these books too. I know it is for me, but some parts, I am just like "maybe if she read this she would see!" Taking a deep breath. I had to vent here. Felt like I was going to explode. Even after taking an hour and shoveling snow, I was still ramped up. I don't feel like crying. I just feel, broken down, worn out, completely unmotivated to do anything. Had to force myself to go get the food. Was going to skip that, but decided, I should do something for me. Why should she get to go out and have fun with OM, and I get nothing.

I don't know. I guess I just need to get back to me, right now, and what I, will do right now. I am angry typing right now, but even that is getting softer as I write this. I just am so not used to being alone. It has been so long. Hard not to think, "where is my other half? Oh yeah! What am I going to do tonight? I wont be spending time with her. I just miss her. Even when she is here. I am doing well with not letting her see that when she is here. Both verbally or through body language. I just focus on something good, and that's what gets me through. I project high energy and happiness with stuff. If I see something funny and laugh, I don't make a point to make sure she see's it too. I just move on and that's it.

Ok, I feel a little better, going to take a break here. Se if there is anything good on, on demand. Thanks.

[D2ndday]

Feel like I am losing ground. Her second night in a row away, and caught wind she is looking for an apt. Feeling hopeless that there is a chance we can recover. I don't know, staying the course for now. Just feeling pretty defeated tonight.

[Lifes Twists]

Hey D2,

Keep strong. Remember that it will be a roller coaster ride with many ups and downs. Just keep holding on and continue to work on yourself. Everyone here refers to it as a marathon.

I think some days I am making progress and the next day it feels like a set back. If you have not yet read DR then get it. Pay attention to the section on goal setting for changes. Watch for the little changes and improvements, they will add up if things are going in the right direction. They are easy to overlook, allowing you to think you are not making any progress.

[D2ndday]

Thank you LT, I am trying. That is exactly how I have been feeling. I have read both DR and DB. Its hard for me to stay focused on it sometimes. I feel like the W is so messed up emotionally that it is hard for me to see what's real.

I am continuing my life and improvements. I find it hard because I feel my desires to work on our marriage are fading. We are growing further apart. I have been feeling a lot more confident in my life, which is nice. But, I feel like there is also almost an arrogance that has come with it. Like, "I deserve better than this. You want out, fine, go! I don't need you! You think the grass in greener, you fool!" I would not say this, and I try not to project that, but I think it more often these days.

I've read many stories here, and I keep thinking, we don't have kids, we don't have an obligation in that way to each other. Sure we have a house, we cant afford alone, we have pets we both love. But, that's it. I also guess I think, here is someone who called it quits when things got hard, would I be able to, or do I want to, be with someone like that. I mean I still love her, and wish things had played out differently. Its just hard not to think about this sometimes. Its like, what am I doing? What is my goal? Could we ever re-find each other. I don't know.

She is more open about her plans in advance, as far as letting me know when she will not be staying here. She has been staying at his place a few nights a week now. We did sit down and talk about taxes and how we are going to manage the joint account now. I am no longer dumping my whole check in there. It goes to my account and I put in just enough to cover our joint bills like Mortgage, insurance, etc. I made it clear I am not wanting to take over the mortgage, and that we will need to sell. I also explained this will take a lot of time since the market is so poor. If we tried to sell now, we would still owe, since we would be selling at a loss. I backed off after that since it was planning, and because it was not essential to discuss right then. Taxes and finances were.

Patience is so hard for me. I am a planner, and a do'er. So, not planning, not pushing this or knowing what will happen next is hard. I am taking care of myself, but with us, it is hard because I feel like I have to just sit in it, while she goes out with him.

I will say, I did make it through valentines day. That was a big obstacle in my mind, and all the valentine propaganda out there did not make it easier. Before valentines, it seemed a much bigger obstacle, but I am still here. I am a romantic, and I have always gone all out on that day. It was hard not doing that. Although she did stay here that night, which was kind of nice. Took a little of the edge off.

I am watching for any changes in her behavior out of the corner of my eye. With her, it is hard because she can fake happiness very well. So, she acts friendly with me, but I cant tell if she is just faking it to make things here, more tolerable.

Ok, I am done for now, back to what's next for today. Refocusing, and just hoping.

[sandi2]

What are you doing to get a life?

[D2ndday]

Well, lets see. I have done some things for me like I got a cell phone, which after mine broke last summer, I had held off because I didn't think we/I could afford to replace it. Well, after Dday, I went out and got one. I also had been wanting a specific tattoo for like 16 years. Again due to cost, I had held off. I went out and got that the other day. I held off on these things because I wanted her to not have any wants, but now... I figure these are things I wanted.

I also have started working on getting back into school to finish my second degree. I guess that had taken a back burner with life. SO, my work is helping me get back. I am committing to finishing the editing on my book, hopefully to get published.

I have been going out and spending the day with family like my mom or sister. Like the super bowl, Me and the W usually watch it, this year I went to my sisters. I am working out again, trying to burn off frustration. I have reconnected with some safe old friends. Taking walks with my dogs at the park, weather permitting. A little hard right now under all this snow. I am more of a summer outdoors guy. So I feel a little restricted with going out much.

One thing that has kind of worked for me right now, although I think was a big problem in our M, was we work opposite schedules. Most days she works from like 5-1:30pm. I work 1230-9pm. So it is not uncommon for us to not see each other for a few days. She might be awake when I get home, as she heads to bed. On my days off, I am trying to stay busy.

Now sometimes when she is not home, I just read or watch a movie. I did not used to read much, but as of recent.

I still have periods that are hard. She still leaves me a note every morning, although now they sometimes say that she will not be coming home that night. That's hard, or when I see she still waives goodbye as she pulls out of the driveway. Even when I no longer am there to waive back. Or when I know she is here. What I mean is, I feel like it is getting harder to have her here. It has become almost easier when she is not. I don't have to worry about what to say or how to act. I don't have to stop myself from doing old behavior things like making us dinner, or if I should even offer. I mean the girl has been living off cereal, instant popcorn, and mac and cheese, LOL. She is using up all the instant foods in our house. Which is fine, but the old me, made sure she ate well. She cant cook. But I digress.

So I am trying, I slowed my pace a little. since it was feeling like to much change all at once. But the above are the things I have been able to do for now.

[InLikeFlynn]

At this point you are just making it easier for her....she gets to stay home(when she wants), Gets to stay(have sex with)her boyfriend(when she wants)and still has you as just a friend now. So for as cheater it all worked out better than she hoped it could.

My suggestion is stop being her friend...she really is a true friend!! Have you exposed this to mutual friends?? I don't think niceing a wayward who is still seeing/having sex with the OM actually works. Well it works for the cheater and the OM!!

[sandi2]

Do you have a plan of activies for the week? Something that gets you out of the house? Or do you kind of wait and watch to see what she's going to do? In other words, are you scheduling your life around her?

When you are on a healthy R, then you do want to consider your S and be with them when possible. But when you have a WAS in an A, you have to make a life that does not depend on her. It doesn't feel right, to do this, b/c your M mind is conditioned to do otherwise. If you are going to apply the LRT, I believe you have got to GAL.

You have made a beginning. But now it is time to get out of the house and be around people your age. Do you have any single buddies?

[D2ndday]

ILF, I guess I may have crossed the line with being upbeat, with friendliness. I guess I thought they were one in the same. I am going to make some changes there. I mean what you said is how it feels, which does not feel good at all. that's a big part of my struggle right now. She gets to go have this affair, and come home. I will have to be more precise in being upbeat, and not being a friend. (because I have no intentions of being friends if my M fails). I am re-reading the LRT steps and behaviors.

Sandi2,
It has been hard to have a list of activities. I live in the far north. Right now, we currently are buried beneath 2 feet of snow, with below zero temps. I also hate the cold, lol. So, I have hard time going out, because of it. This time of year I traditionally have always tried to stay in. At night I don't get home until 930pm, so it is pretty late for me to go out and do things. I think mostly the bars are open, but I really don't want to go there. In the mornings, I don't usually have a lot of time to go out and do things, because of my chores. My days off, I try and stay out of the house, and do day long activities. Those days I do have plans thought out and scheduled. I also am not making that known as to what those are to W.

I am being careful not to chase her. I don't follow her, talk about future, or things like that. The only time I think I am planning around her, is when I know she will be gone for a day or 2. Because that means, I need to make sure the pets are taken care of. So that they are not locked up for 8 to 12 hours without a bathroom break. Like I said I tend to stay in due to the cold, so I am here when she gets home sometimes. I do try and just do my own thing while she is here. Maybe I am reading, watching a show, or talking on the phone. Although, when I think about it, I can do better, about watching "our shows" when she is here. I did that last night while she was away. Watched one of them, and then deleted it, to make room on the dvr, lol.

During our m, I broke ties with all my local friends. I did this because they liked to party, recklessly. She had wanted me to stop going out. Which was good for me, I needed to stop partying. I got an OUI, early on and was doing some pretty destructive behaviors. So I don't want to go back to that. During that time I made some online friends, who I talk to through Skype. They are real friends, but none of them live anywhere close. Since the D day, I pulled back from them. I did thins because I felt I needed to focus on me. I did not want to involve them. I guess because I knew once this got out there, there was no way to reverse that. So, I have been pretty anti social. I have turned to family for companionship. Not to get advice, but more to talk with and reconnect with.

I have a like 1 or 2 friends still here, but they are married. I also have avoided reconnecting with them, because I just feel like I am not the most fun to be around right now. Maybe soon. I am trying to implement the LRT and am getting more familiar with what that looks like. I know I have made some mistakes with it, as I feel ILF pointed out.

When I focus on GAL, I do feel pretty good. I like changes there. I know there is a lot more I can do. Maybe not taking on more things, beyond what I have, but more the implementation of the technique. Focusing on getting into that state of mind. Reading what others have said, done, been advised of here.

Some things I plan on doing is withdrawing from some old behaviors, like the daily notes we have left for each others. Notes saying things like, have a great day, hope your feeling better (when she is ill). Hope work goes well. etc. These are notes she leaves as well, but I will pull back from these. It is a behavior we started when we got together in the beginning, and have not stopped. But looking at it another way, I can see now, this is no different than texting, emailing, etc.

Also, shutting up, lol. Not starting talks about the things I am doing, or have done. Not prolonging the conversation when she does. Maybe not responding right away when she texts me. Going more "dark" on information. I have gotten a little better about snooping, I never feel good when I have done it. I don't know what I was hoping to find. I guess that she was unhappy with the A, or if she was taking action on the D. So far it has not been what I have found and has just made me feel worse. I was obsessed with it for awhile. I am pulling back, and working hard at distracting myself when I have felt the urge.

I may be wrong in what I am saying here or not on track. Correct me if this is true. I am really trying to make the changes. For myself first, and for our M second. It is just hard finding who I am as an individual. I had not realized how much I had lost myself in all of this, and I am still learning that point, that I did loose a lot of who I was/am. Also who I want to be.

The feedback and support I have gotten here, has been so helpful. Earlier on, I was listening to everyone around me, and felt I was just spinning around in circle going in all different directions. I feel more focused and like I have a direction, that I can see benefit to. I need that, seeing a time in the future, where things wont feel the way they have, gives me hope for my own well being.

Thank you.