Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[labug]

I guess I'll mark it as "interesting" Yes!
Just observe. I wouldn't mention the tablet issue to him.

But do keep reading CDNM!

[KGirl]

I was reading OneDay's thread about "taking back" the bed... and think I may have screwed up here. But I feel like it's too late to do anything about it. So when this all first went down two months ago I immediately started moving clothes and everyday stuff to the guest bedroom, because I was so hurt/angry/upset with my H and didn't want to have to interact with him in the morning when getting ready. I tried to reclaim the master bed about a month ago, but it went horribly. I asked my H about rotating, he did it for one night and complained that all of my clothes were still in the other room and we woke up at different times so I was disturbing him, how would we rotate and move ALL of the clothes back and forth, I left the room a mess when I left it (well, I don't have a hamper or dresser so what would you expect?) etc. He blew up. I decided it wasn't a battle I wanted to fight when things were calm prior to, so I said "Let's just go back to how it was, it's really not worth fighting about." But, I DID say that I was going to shower in the master shower from now on, so I did "reclaim" that part. Am I being too unassertive? I kinda feel like it's too late to do anything about the bed/bedroom when it's been going on for so long. And bringing it up just opens the door for questions/conversations about why we're both still here, what's going on, etc. Not sure that I want to go down that road unless H does it first. Maybe just pay attention moving forward and make sure I'm not conceding any more space in my home? H comes home and monopolizes the "good" tv from when he gets home until he goes to sleep, so I'll try to figure out how I can negotiate that instead of just conceding.

[KGirl]

Wahh. What is going on?

So H and I were both in the same room watching our team's basketball game, and we make some small talk over an article we saw online about being born in 1986-1989 and reminiscing (I know, I know, we are babies!). After he reads that, he starts telling me about this morning's guest on the radio show he listens to. It was a guy who wrote some book about "how to get a guy" (not sure of the exact title), but H said it was really "interesting" and that he wanted to read it because it might be insightful. He goes on to tell me the following things:
-according to the show's guest,there are 3 types of women: the super girly/clingy ones (who men do not like), the very strong independent ones (that men also don't like), and the "ones in the middle." Through all this I'm just listening and validating, but he pauses here and is having trouble describing what the middle is. I say "They make guys feel needed but aren't needy?" and he said "YES! Exactly. Guys want to feel needed and important". He gave some example from the show about offering to carry someone's luggage and the woman said "no", and it hurt the guy's feelings to not feel needed.
-He then talked about how guys don't like nagging and said that the show said women should say something instead like "it really turns me on when you do the dishes". He repeated the not nagging twice, and in kind of a joking way... not an angry way. This was an issue for him and something I COMPLETELY stopped since BD. Even when he promises to do something and then doesn't..I just let it go/ignore it unless it's really important (and if it is, I just gently say "about that thing, did you get around to doing that yet? wasn't sure if you had time yet")

None of these things are surprises to me as I've been doing a TON of reading, and one of the books I read talks quite a bit about making your partner feel needed but not being "needy". Again, trying not to read into this or anything it means, but this is the first time since BD that he's voiced anything positive about relationships or things one could do to make them better. It SEEMS positive that he's been pondering these types of things.. and then actually vocalizing them. And I don't see how any of this could help him with his EA at work (if it was "how to get a woman" then I could see it!). Hmm....again, mark it as interesting! And some things I could work on? I think being as obvious as "it really turns me on when you shovel the snow" would be pursuit : ) but is it safe to say I've been given some hints?

[labug]

Sure. It's interesting that he's sharing with you.

Continue to appreciate things he does but I don't think you're in the "it turns me on when you..." zone.

[KGirl]

Just when I'm starting to think things are turning around and being more positive...
I made plans with friends tonight since I didn't want to be alone/just stuck home with H. I came home around 10pm, and during that time H made a document that he saved right on the computer (not even snooping, it's just there in the "documents" folder that we keep everything in) called "possessions". It's a list of our possessions and who he thinks should get what. It's quite one-sided towards him. This s*cks. I kept telling myself he was still deciding what he wants to do and that's why he hasn't said anything in weeks, but I don't think you start a list like this in plain sight unless you're sure of your decision. He seems to do stuff like this when I go out w/out him for long periods of time.. last time I was gone for awhile is when he started making his "budget" to see if he could afford the house. I can only hope he does these things when he's feeling angry that I'm out GALing and won't follow through on them. What a cr*ppy day : (

[KGirl]

When/if he brings up this above list and further details about D, what are some ways to respond? What I WANT to say is something like "I really do have hope that we could work through this and have an even better marriage than before, so this is not what I want. I understand my part in this and have been working on myself to be less controlling, less clingy, and more independent. But I also understand that it takes two people to do that, so if you haveno interest in that, I will have to accept that"...and then review what he is proposing and take my stance. Is that saying too much? I guess I feel like if he moves forward with D, that I need to share more of my feelings/show that I do still care about our M (since I haven't said anything in weeks about that) as a last ditch effort. I kind of worry that DBing is pushing him farther away because it comes across as not caring about him. He's much warmer to me when we're in the same room, watching TV together, doing small talk, etc. like last night, but then when I go and do something like tonight it pushes him towards D again. What to do??

[KGirl]

Ugh. The possessions list above has really thrown me. I feel like I did when this all first happened - can't eat, can't sleep, struggling not to cry in front of H, feeling queasy and anxious because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Suggestions?

[labug]

When/if he brings up this above list and further details about D, what are some ways to respond? What I WANT to say is something like "I really do have hope that we could work through this and have an even better marriage than before, so this is not what I want. I understand my part in this and have been working on myself to be less controlling, less clingy, and more independent. But I also understand that it takes two people to do that, so if you haveno interest in that, I will have to accept that"

have you thought more about this? Puts pressure an blame on him, usually doesn't work in any setting.

I guess I feel like if he moves forward with D, that I need to share more of my feelings/show that I do still care about our M (since I haven't said anything in weeks about that) as a last ditch effort.

If he wants a D why woul you caring about your M change his mind? I know that's painful but it's where he is right now.

I kind of worry that DBing is pushing him farther away because it comes across as not caring about him. He's much warmer to me when we're in the same room, watching TV together, doing small talk, etc. like last night, but then when I go and do something like tonight it pushes him towards D again. What to do??

Many people think DB pushes the S away. You have no way of knowing what his feelings are ("much warmer") unless he tells you.

The list means nothing until he makes it mean something. Nothing has changed except you have another piece of information.

I hope you have something fun or interesting planned for today.

((( )))
That's taking 2 data points and coming up with a conclusion.

[KGirl]

I'm not sure, I guess, how to make sure my thoughts are clear while not putting on pressure or blame. Part of me worries that through not pursuing I'm coming across as "cold"/unfriendly and will lead him to think that I no longer have an interest in the relationship so he for sure needs to get out. Part of me thinks if he KNEW that I wasn't, maybe he'd rethink his position. But I think I made my position on still wanting to be M pretty clear two months ago, and yes, he could always ask me or tell me that. The only thing he has actually told me is that he likes when we are talking, as opposed to ignoring each other.

"That's taking 2 data points and coming up with a conclusion." - I'm not sure what that is referring to? But would like to

[labug]

Sorry for the confusion

I edited and then didn't preview.

I meant that this: He's much warmer to me when we're in the same room, watching TV together, doing small talk, etc. like last night, but then when I go and do something like tonight it pushes him towards D again. What to do??
Is taking 2 data points and making a conclusion. Actually it's 4 data points, either way, not enough data.

Do what's best for you. It's difficult to be put off by someone who is happy and enjoying life.