Your W is still with you right? Show her you're the better option. Calm those emotions that turn you into a train wreck and show confidence.
Brando, Thank you... you gave me just what I needed before I left for our date... never think that your advice won't be taken whole-heartedly.... the longer we are in the trenches, the easier it is to lose our fundamentals. I read your post at least 3 times before my date. And you helped me...I went ...grounded.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Chit! This is one way that the XOW will to do suck back W emotionally by playing on their emotions based on the things they did during the A.
My suggestion is to focus on HVD and let this marinate in your heads for some time before taking any action. Since W has been back home in October, I would think you might want to bring up a strong NC convo with W and state your boundary. To me, I think W does need to make a clean break with the XOW once and for all. Otherwise, W will continually be sucked back in XOW's sphere when she brings up some long ago memory of their A
So much wisdom... but I'm stuck here. In this. In the unfortunate, angry, devastation of it all. Because I know there would be no xAP contact if my W truly shut it down. And she hasn't. So now... I get to contemplate that. Fearful.
Love you Wonka. I am blessed that you were right there to center me.
BTW... date was great. Really was. Now what?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
This isn't the time to be a Negative Nellie. In my case, I cannot handle intense conversations one after another. Need some space to process stuff. Wonder if it is the same for you and W?
Enjoy your HVD and post-HVD bliss with W. Then build up from there. There'll be a time to bring up MC with W.
I wouldn't recommend this to newbies.. but I would really sit with this thought.
"What is best for RT right now and how can I show W this in a loving way?"
Boundaries ain't easy...however they are easier after you have created the loving/safe space that the other person can see that you are NOT trying to hurt them or have stopped loving them.
I recently set a boundary with a friend and although it is painful for the both of us... we both know that it is indeed loving at this time. She knows that I'm not trying to hurt her because I have been consistently showing her that I care for her for over a year.
Now that may change and she may become completely angry with me over time or refuse to deal with her sh!t.. so we will see what happens there.
Regardless I had to get to a mental place knowing that the boundary was the ONLY option and I had done everything I could before that. I also had to be willing to accept whatever the consequence of my setting that boundary is.
So whilst I completely agree with Wonka that strong boundaries need to be set.. and soon... I'm also curious if you have done everything you can? And are you also prepared to set the boundary - regardless of consequence? If not... how do you get there?
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Definitely feel better that my advice helped. I agree with setting the boundary. What helped me try to set a boundary before was the thought that I needed to let my W know I wasn't going to allow this poor behavior without consequences. I am currently living in a separate apartment and filed for D. I didn't *want* to do it, but I did because everything else was unfair to me. You can say "if she loved me, she'd stop" but right now she loves you and in some way loves OW. OW is playing tricks to suck her back in but you W will definitely not see it that way. The best thing you can do for yourself AND your W is to establish a boundary. I wrote things down that are boundaries for me then tried to write it different ways to not sound like a threat. It's tough, but what's even more tough is going through this situation and you've proven you can handle this. So, I know you can handle the boundaries talk. Hope this helps!
