Heaving 10 bags filled with Benjamins and plonking them in the room
Ringing the huge gold glitter DB Gong dangling on a pole
Everybody...may I please have your attention...
I have a million-dollar reward for the best bounty hunter who can bring back RT in one piece within the next 24-hours or the reward is null & void. Dog, you don't count...go back to your TLC tv program.
Are we clear? Good. Let's begin now! pushing the button on the klaxon
LOLOLOLOL!!!!! Wonka you are a nut! I am here. I went into crazy busy school mode. I had a Child and Adolescent Development exam... 100/100! Plus I have been working on a big Leadership Conference for work. I went to hang out with my friends out of town. Oh... and I'm piecing. Well... pre-piecing. Is there such a thing? I don't now why I'm unsure. But I am. Probably because I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop. If ya know what I mean.
So update: Things are good with W. Since I posted last, we had a heart to heart. It was good because I was able to vocalize some of the things that have been weighing heavy on my mind. There were 3. Sex. Fear of her leaving again. And vocalizing my need for more reassurance from her from time to time and I would like her to ask me how I'm doing and what I'm feeling occasionally.
She was receptive. She cried a lot. So did I. But we were able to talk and feel heard, and we came out of the intensity of the conversation pretty easily and flowed into a great day of watching a marathon of one of her favorite shows, cooking, eating and cuddling. It was really nice.
She opened up about missing xAP from time to time. She still thinks about her and misses "hanging out" with her. I asked her if she thinks about contacting her and she said yes. I asked her why she doesn't and she said, "Because I know that you don't want me to and I know it's not healthy for anyone."
That's a pretty honest answer I suppose, but I'm not controlling her so it's interesting how she led the answer.
It's slow going. SLOOOOOOOW going. Why the heck does hacking through all this mess take so long? But I will leave you with the thoughts I had during my morning prayer in the shower (yes.. I talk out loud to the Big Guy in the shower. ) It was this...
"I hate Monday. I just want to stay here with W again all day. Responsibility bites the big one. OK wait. What am I grateful for? I am grateful that 5 months ago, a year ago... I was still in this shower on Monday mornings, getting ready to go to work, go to school, but my W was not snuggled up cozily in the bed while I put on my make-up. I am grateful that she is in there snoozing and that when I go to pour my cup of coffee I will be pouring two and I will get a good morning kiss while I curl up with my hot cup o' joe in the new, fluffy bathrobe she surprised me with a couple of weeks ago. Thanks God. For giving me the strength to come this far. I still need you."
Happy Monday my friends. Your spouse's may not be home yet, or things might not be the brightest in your life these days, but if you take a moment to look back and see how far you've come, how strong you are now compared to "then"... you just might see what I mean. ((((huuuuuuuug!)))
And Wonka.... I found myself (in more ways than one!)... where's my check?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Journal: So I remember. So I can come back on rough days of reconciliation, read and reflect...
Super tired last night. Worked all day, did chores at home, made dinner, started reading for school and fell asleep. W cleaned the kitchen, did my laundry, walked the dogs (even though it was my night) and set the coffee on a timer for me... all without waking me. I woke up this morning rested, happy, and with my W spooned behind me.
RT, Keep breathing. Stay patient. Slow Down. You're doing a really good job at life. Love you, RT
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
And Wonka.... I found myself (in more ways than one!)... where's my check?
Hey..right there...you're cheating! No dice. Or are you really talking about 'finding' yourself.
It is great to see that you and W were able to talk things over without falling apart. To me, you two are getting stronger with each passing week. Clearing the air and learning for your mistakes are what will strengthen your marital bond.
She opened up about missing xAP from time to time. She still thinks about her and misses "hanging out" with her. I asked her if she thinks about contacting her and she said yes. I asked her why she doesn't and she said, "Because I know that you don't want me to and I know it's not healthy for anyone."
I think it's obvious that W's given some thought about the XOW and how she played a part in this messy process. Also a real growth for recognizing that it wasn't healthy for everyone involved. Good for her!
Keep up with your thoughts of gratitude. For me, when I go to bed, I jot off in my head the things I'm grateful for and how my day went. Both small and large things. Sometimes during the day I talk to the angels and God to keep the line of communication open. At times, I wonder if I do hear them at all! LOL!
Thank Wonkster! (BTW...You make me laaaaauuuuggggh! )
So I sent the W a little text and asked her out to lunch. She accepted. I made it flirtatious, like a first date kind of thing. I wanted to thank her for last night. It was nice... and I just got back from lunch.
We were talking about our mornings and plans for the week and I asked her simply, "So do you want to go out or stay in for Friday?"
W: What's Friday?
Me: hahaha! Valentine's Day
W: (eyes wide open, deer in head lights, uh-oh, oops, if I smile really big RT will think I'm cute because I genuinely had no idea)... uuuummm... I don't know. (laughing) What would you like to do?
Me: I'm easy. Why don't we just stay in. Dinner & a movie. (thinking about the advice on my Valentine's Day thread)
W: Why don't we go see our movie? (she has said she wants to see a particular movie, I agreed it sounded like a good one... now it's "our" movie. hmmmmmm )
Me: OK!
W picks up her phone, chooses a theater that we love, it doesn't have the movie playing. She finds it at another theater and we agree to go. We ho-hum that this theather doesn't serve dinner and drinks like the other and W says...
W: We can sneak it in!?!
Me: (absolute 180 on this one...) OK!!! We'll be bad!
And we laugh that at our ages, we will be sneaking in a cocktails like teenagers.
Then she suggested a restaurant for dinner afterwards... one we both love nearby.
Effort from her, more spontaneity from me to follow her lead, and we shall see...
If I get kicked out of this movie theater at almost 40 because I have a flask of snippy in my pocket, well... what a new memory we will have!
May not be such a bad V-Day after all.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
wella, wella, wella, woo... "tell me more, tell me more, did ya get very far? tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car?" So... I can sing all the lyrics to Grease, in chronological order (really). It's going to be my talent in the DB Pageant. Don't hate... you KNOW you are singing along now.
And... I put my wedding ring back on. There. I did it. Here's why: Talking to my Aunt's, they reminded me that my ring is a symbol of my commitment to my W and our marriage. How simple is that? So, I put 'er on. Didn't make a deal of it to my W, just did it. Feel good about it. Not over thinking it.
Yesterday, good. Easy Peasy. W has seemed a little funky, I asked her if she was feeling ok... physically... she said yes. I won't press, but something was on her mind last night. Less affectionate, less engaged, REALLY quiet. So I read all night and let her swim around in her head with very little interruption from me.
I read on an infidelity blog last week... when asked by a reader, how do you know if the cheating spouse is truly remorseful?
The answer was, "Real remorse makes their own therapy appointments..." etc...
I thought... hmmmm, I think agree with that. Then I did a little RT, crazy train loop in my head on it. 'W hasn't been to IC since she had her surgery.' BUT 'she was rehabbing' BUT 'she can now...' BUT 'she said she is working too much to make an appointment' BUT 'I don't believe her' BUT 'Excuses' BUT, BUT, BUT...
Yesterday at lunch W asked me if we could go to lunch today at 1:30, that since her work trip was cancelled due to weather, she called her IC and made an appointment for today at 3.
Take THAT crazy train conductor in my head! Patience. It's such an issue for me.
I'm starting to address the "other shoe will drop" fear of her leaving again in my head. I'm sorting my thoughts on it and sitting with some emotions to make sense of them and their irrationality vs. rationality. I will post more on it later...
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I think it's natural for us to assume the other shoe will drop. Sometimes it is our gut telling us something is off... other times it's our own fears speaking so loudly to convince us that it is a guarantee and we need to flee the situation....
..whatever the reason, the truth is that at any time it IS quite possible the other shoe will drop. That is life and a risk we must take in order to be intimate with others.
Our goal is not to change that truth - only to control how it affects our thoughts and behaviors.
From our situation, we have learned that we our marriage can't define us.. and no person should have the power to dictate our self worth. We learn that although our spouse can make our life more fulfilling, it is completely possible for us to be happy on our own. Happiness is a feeling that comes from within and one that we need to fight for on a daily basis.
We learn to guard our hearts. That although love is still there, so is the pain. Trust was broken and must be rebuilt. We must validate our own fears however be completely aware that how we express those fears impacts our relationships with others.
And finally we now believe that is not guilt and fear that creates true change only grace and love. How we handle situations and how we treat others teaches others how they should treat and handle situations with us in return. This takes time. This takes patience.
You are completely in the driver's seat here RT. How smooth the ride is and how long the journey... I don't know. However it's completely in your hands and girl... you got this.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I think it's natural for us to assume the other shoe will drop. Sometimes it is our gut telling us something is off... other times it's our own fears speaking so loudly to convince us that it is a guarantee and we need to flee the situation....
Dead on. Pretty much the stuff I'm sorting through internally now.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
We must validate our own fears however be completely aware that how we express those fears impacts our relationships with others.
I am very aware. And you are right. So much of what you said is relevant to my current emotional waves. I'm glad you stopped by! So, my "other shoe dropping" fear. Here we go:
She's not communicating to "my satisfaction." I've got questions that I have wanted answers to from square one and she's not ready to give them, or simply doesn't have them yet. I don't know.
So as we move along at the agonizing snail pace of whatever it is we are doing, I get aggravated, I get fidgity, and then I feel fear. Which I am recognizing is because I am not in control and have lost focus a bit of mastering that bad habit.
It's tough. I am trying to figure out how to balance my self-care and nurturing with that of paying attention to my W and our relationship... And I haven't figured out how much is too much and where I am lacking. And because I don't have a clear and definitive plan for this stage of my relationship, I am allowing fears to run away with me because I don't feel like I know what I am doing.
Where are the 37 rules for when they WAS comes back to the home? I need those. My map. I feel like I'm out on the road without a map. And all of that translates into this giant "oh no! She's going to bail again. She doesn't really love me. Hurry up and get it over with before I am too invested again and you hurt me more than I am ready to take, " monologue in my head.
That monologue then begins to over-analyze every action or in-action, every word spoken or unsaid by my W and fuels the self-generated fear.
I've been hurt. You all understand. So my control monster thinks..."I didn't see it coming...the first "shoe", so... "I'll see the second one coming, if it does, but only if I am in control. And then... I won't be hurt as deeply as before."
And this is all my problem. Nothing has happened for me to come to this point, other than me.
I'm afraid to trust my W with my heart... and there you have it.
For the record, I've just been using "As If" in situations where I'm unsure or uncomfortable. Like when she is quiet, "As If", when she is pensive, "As If", when she is whatever that doesn't seem to involve me or I'm not invited into her processing... I am trying to be "As-If" and giving her space within our space. I really don't know what else to do.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
) It was this... 
Good motivation to keep moving on this journey. You are doing great!!