I have had a few days to consider some of the things that have happened over the past couple of weeks and wanted to elaborate on my story.
In my last post, I mentioned some positive advances and significant comments my wife has made recently. I was originally going to write about a bunch of them but the only one really worth mentioning is that she is seeing a counselor that she really likes. This counselor has challenged her expectations of marriage (love vs in-love type stuff)and identified some co-dependency issues. My wife has always been a people-pleaser.
During our discussions over the last few days, she has expressed a desire to fix herself so that we can fix our marriage - her words. She would like to get together a few times a week for dinner, hikes, other activities, etc - some of which include friends and family. We have been speaking lightly for a few minutes almost every day for about a week now.
With respect to the OM - she claims she has been working on getting him out of her life since the new year. She has returned all of his stuff/gifts and even let me know the specific time he would be stopping by her place to pick them up.
Just writing this stuff out actually stresses me out - I want to be hopeful but know I have been down this road before, only to be disappointed. It does feel different - but I know I have said that before too.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Dingo, that all sounds great! Just be patient because she will go through a grieving process for OM. It may not seem fair that you have to comfort her and provide her support in her recovery from an affair, but that's the role you'll be in for a while. Good luck!
Thanks for the encouragement guys. I think I am most happy with her recognition that she needs to fix some things within herself. I believe whatever happens after that will be for the best (if we ultimately reconcile or not).
As long as I see some relative consistency of action from her (with respect to the A and continuing to work on herself), I don't think I will have a problem being patient.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Hi everyone - just wanted to post a quick update of the week's events.
My wife has seen her counselor twice this week and seems to really like her. She recommended that we both read a book called Conscious Loving - which my wife has started and I have purchased but not yet gotten into. During her last session, her counselor introduced her to some meditation exercises to try to calm her emotions, stress and all the thoughts regarding the situation that are going through her head. She has also identified some aspects of my wife's behavior that contribute to her co-dependency issues. The few that she mentioned to me were the fact that she never felt like she got enough attention as a child and so is emotionally needy and the fact that she has a tendency to make jokes when she feels uncomfortable or is confronted with something she doesn't like, thus not really letting people know what she is really feeling.
We had our Valentine's Day dinner on Wednesday. She didn't really want to celebrate the actual day because of everything that's happening so we did it early. She selected the restaurant where we have gone for both of our anniversaries and we had a really nice time. A lot of good conversation and laughing/joking,etc - there seemed to be absolutely zero tension.
After a day of NC (yesterday) I called her this morning to see if she wanted to get coffee. She is helping a friend move today and tomorrow and I at least wanted to see her on V-day (too much pursuit?). She agreed and we met up before work. This meeting was a little different. It wasn't overly tense but I did sense that she was a little bit more standoffish than she was on Wednesday. We BS'd for about 20 minutes or so, agreed to get together on Sunday and then went our separate ways.
We didn't really discuss much about the R during our last two 'dates' and I don't think we should on Sunday either. I do sense a bit of the push-pull thing but its not near as dramatic as before - at least not at this time.
So I am a bit unsure of what I should be doing with respect to her. She is definitely not committed to the marriage yet. She is still looking for 'what is going to make her happy' and says her focus is on her not on us. I understand that's where it needs to be and that its the first step. With respect to the OM - he is out of the picture according to her and they are not hanging out. I don't really ask anything about him anymore so I have no other information than that. She has said that she would consider dating him if we end up not working out. To me that's not really 'hes out of the picture' but i don't really know what to expect.
So beyond not pursuing, am I at a spot where I should be letting her come to me or should I be in back of more of a dim/dark mode? Its very confusing - i think for me sometimes that I do a lot better when I don't contact her.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
How are you doing dingo? I hope you won't ditch the board.
Quote:
She has said that she would consider dating him if we end up not working out. To me that's not really 'hes out of the picture' but i don't really know what to expect.
You couldn't be more correct! As long as she even considers him as an option some day down the road.....it means she has him waiting on the sidelines of her mind.
(hug)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey guys - I haven't ditched the board at all. I still read but have just been limiting my posts. I think it helps me to stay off the roller coaster if i don't post and talk about every little thing that happens.
For a quick update, the past couple of weeks have been more or less even keeled. My W and I have hung out 4-5 times and it seems to be going ok. Its pretty 'friendshipy' with not much more. There is the occasional show of affection and mention of us hanging out with her co-workers/talking about us/me to her coworkers. Most of the time it feels really good and natural when we hang out but sometimes it feels a little weird. I don't have any idea of whats going on with the OM. Haven't asked, haven't snooped, haven't spied....
She is still attending meditation sessions with her therapist, is looking into a stress-reduction clinic and is reading recommend books. I still get the feeling that she's looking for an epiphany or some other flash of inspiration to tell her what to do but whatever - ive stopped trying to get into her head.
The most significant development for me is that I have started to develop an interest in someone else. So I am trying to be very careful and deliberate with what I do over the next few days/weeks...
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
