Everyone feels off balance in the first months and even year after the BD. It's normal because you have no indication that they are doing to tell you that it's over, they don't love you like they use to etc. However, his journey began 18-24 months prior to BD and he had a head start on shutting down his feelings/emotions for you and the relationship. He's moved ahead w/his feelings/emotions while you are just now floundering. But, at some point, he may feel the way you are now and you will have moved forward w/your life. But, that will be many months from now, even possibly a few years.
As for the ow, please try not to give her any head space because she is taking up space and not paying rent. She's nothing more than a good time, Band-Aid and as I've mentioned to others a FXXk buddy. The so called love their are experiencing is nothing more than lust and having a good time. It is not what we consider a deep, emotional love. Think of it as a young kid having a crush on a little girl in the class. It's not real love.
There is no rhyme or reason for some of their comments or actions because the crisis is based on depression and yes, it's an emotional journey for them. They go back to the time where they were stunted emotionally and have to face their demons, accept what they can or can't change and hopefully grow up and become mature adults. Some make it and others don't. Those that don't, remain lost.
Keep the focus on you and your daughter. Any word on your grandfather?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Lois......... How do we cope with OW (the issue of). WAPs OW is married (unless she has recently left her H) with 4 children. She is an amateur singer and is into yoga.... I am trying to be calm - trying so hard but today - probably because of the FB episode - I am in upset re OW> Other days I have been stronger. I think I have, up till now, assumed that it is an MLC fling/affair down etc. But for some reason I am upset that it could mean a lot more. Now I am rambling again....x
This is a hard one to answer today. Up until a month ago, I was standing for my marriage. Today, I'm turning it over to God. I want my H to find himself and face his demons--more for the sake of my kids than for me.
I've changed. I expect more today than I did 2 years ago when he left.
He left 2 years ago, almost exactly. I discovered an EA and threw him out. He never returned. He wanted to be kicked out. He lived with the OW on and off throughout the last two years and invited her to move into his apartment last summer. He kept it a secret and I pushed him for the truth.
I see my marriage differently than I did. I see it more honestly. There were beautiful moments. There was also a lot of immaturity than I wouldn't choose to tolerate anymore.
I sorta have a date on Saturday and I'm giving the outcome of all this to God.
My husband made life a whole lot more difficult than it needs to be. Today, my mantra is "Take Joy." If he isn't willing to do the work, then I'm going to continue moving on with my life.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yes - I didnt think of it this way - he has had time to disconnect his feelings for me. I just didnt read it in that way. If anything I put it down to the depression mounting. Maybe they are interconnected??? If he has time to disconnect from feelings/emotions about me/us does that mean that they are still there buried or completely gone. I wonder? Trying to keep focus on us - no word on my grandfather I am afraid. His breathing is getting worse,,,,,,,,,is struggling and in a lot of pain. So there is slow and steady deterioration. Thank you for asking Job - I appreciate it. Re OW - thank you for reminding me on what the underlying truth is. It is easy to be seduced by the aura that they send out. WAP is ac8ing relieved, free and "rejuvenated" - just like he said he wanted to be.....his "new beginning" I think I have to root myself in my knowledge of my worth and my D's worth, of our bond, of the fact that I have loved fully and openly (even though I am suffering now). I have to remind myself that unlike WAP I couldnt imagine deferring to OM.. Then again, I am not in MLC x
We retrain our mind. We have the power to control what we think about and what we put our energy into. When your thoughts drift to them, put a stop to it and think of something positive in your life. Practice daily. It gets easier.
READ everything suggested on the boards and the divorcebusting archives--learn about what the OW really represents. She is nothing. She may think she has the power and you may give her the power with your obsessing--in reality, she is nothing. She is sad and broken.
It takes time and it still hurts on the way...but, I promise, you will get to a point where you will see the truth of this relationship with her and you will see how sad and lowly it is. It's not what you had together. He isn't capable of that right now. He needs quick and easy and needy and Yuck.
He is a broken man. You are stronger than he is right now. He needs weak. You're more woman than he can handle right now.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow Lois - that is such a powerful position for you to be in.... I cant imagine - at this stage - feeling that level of detachment. That is something to aspire to. I am sure that you have been through a lot of pain. Has your H given you any signs that he wants to do any work - that he is trying to reconnect? Or has he just cut you off and not shown any interest? I received two emails from WAP last week -they were purely in relation to me moving out of his house. I( have heard nothing since and cannot expect to. I do not think that WAP is going to be in contact - if at all. At this stage certainly he is done with me and D and is GUNNING for this new and rejuvenated life............I represent everything that is stale, wrong, upsetting and limiting. x
You may want to visit Heather's threads. Just go up to the search button, click on it had type in LoisB and hit enter. Lois has written many postings and has poured out her heart and soul and has looked within in and is evolving each and every day into a stronger and more independent woman.
It takes time, but you'll get stronger and more independent too. Detachment takes time. Have you tried to find your old threads to see what advice was given to you years ago?
Read the other threads, go to the MLC archives and read as much as you can. Educate yourself on depression and mlc. You will find that you are not the problem...he is.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, thanks Job. Up until the FB incident earlier I had been reading quite a bit and was calm and centred in my understanding of MLC and depression. I think I need to go back and re read as the FB thing has derailed me away from that stability. Knowledge about this area of MLC and depression really helps me to put it in perspective and create calm for myself... I want to be strong and I have, to an extent, always been quite independent to be honest. I know it may not be coming over that way in my posts lately! You are right - detachment takes time. I will revert now and read more - thank you for your support x
