I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Stop pushing your w out of your life...

This is another one I have a hard time with, and think about often. By no means do I want to do this. I don't know if we could recover from what has happened, but I want to try. I feel a little like Mr. jeckel/Mr. Hyde, lol. As far as how I was feeling last night alone, and how I feel this morning. This has been the routine.

Once a new day begins I feel pretty good about what's ahead. As far as what my day plan is. Late at night, I am a different person. My recent night routine is to stay in the living room on the pc and watching tv, a large part because I don't want to go to the bedroom and her not be there. When I am on the pc, I am reading here, and talking to friends. That's when the urge to snoop is the highest. I am getting better about recognizing the urge to snoop coming on, and getting up and doing something else. At some point I end up on the couch where I pass out watching tv, wake up around 3am, and then go to bed when I am only half awake. Then I don't notice she is not there as much. I also am just not tired until like 1 or 2am.

Eating is getting better. I am making a point to remind myself to eat. I am trying to stay away from junk food/instant food. Since my intake has been low, I have put together foods that are more healthy. I think I will try and focus on my health a bit more. Before BD, I had almost completely quit smoking, but this through me right back into smoking a lot. I am starting to feel like I could try again quitting. I know that will help with all other fitness.

Trying to do "little" things here and there to improve my current well being. Snooping throughout the day has gotten a lot better. Now it is just the late night snooping I really need to work on more. I can see I was getting obsessed with it, and that this was derailing my efforts. When I start to wander, or think about anything in the future, I try to remind myself to stay here and now. This has been helping, breathing as well. Anytime I start to think about what is happening, what is going to happen, I try to remind myself, this is just being generated in my mind, and to stop. Refocus. Not being able to plan, or know what is going to happen, makes it hard since that is who I have been, the planner. I also can see that when I start think about the situation I am in, it is so easy to sink into the sadness, frustration, and helplessness of what is happening. That's when I try to really bring myself back. Not always easy as I feel like I am living at ground zero.

For right now, I am going to try to limit my future to what am I doing today, well, I am going to work.

[AnotherStander]

I'll be honest, I have thought a lot about that 2nd sentence today. It was hard to hear that and has been difficult to digest. I guess I still have some denial there. I am trying though to take all of this here, in.

I'm sorry, that was probably a little much to spring on you so soon after BD. And I certainly don't intend to take away your hope, because there IS hope for reconciliation. Early on I took a lot of inspiration from the success stories here. Check out the many stories in this forum:

Another Divorce Busted!

And also check out this sticky in MLC:

MLC Successes/Cinders list of Restored Marriages

And these bootcamp threads:

Successful Women

Successful Men

I was simply trying to make the point that the goal isn't to restore your old M, it's to create a new M. But it does take time. I'm sure that right now you feel beat down, defeated, depressed and your self-esteem is no doubt in the gutter. It WILL get better, I can assure you of this because all of us here have been there. We're not armchair advisors, we have lived it! Some of our M's survived, some didn't, and some (like mine) are still undecided. But you will bounce back from this and you will be a stronger and better person because of it no matter what happens to your M. It takes time, so be patient!

[D2ndday]

AnotherStander, no need to apologize. Granted it was/is hard to hear that. But, geez, everything that has happened so far has been, lol! I see what your saying, and I get it. Certainly if my M had ben so great, than this would probably not have happened. So there is some denial for me, because part of me wants to just go back to the way things were. Also when I really look at all that has happened, I can see that would just lead us back to where we are. So I see what you mean by creating a new one as opposed to restoring the old.

Looking at myself, I can see that through our marriage, I did loose myself in there too. Things that I enjoyed and cared about, that got pushed under the rug. I always just thought I was making compromise, and that this was part of being married. I have been finding that I put a lot on hold, thinking it was worthwhile to do so, for her. I realize that through a lot of our marriage, I stopped taking care of me. I was so focused on taking care of her. Making sure she had all she wanted, at my own sacrifice. Like I said earlier, she spends like crazy, and so when my phone broke, I did not get a new one due to cost. She kept spending, and I thought that was ok, but I wanted her to have all she wanted. Convinced myself that this was a promise I made when we married. That's why getting a new phone this week was a big thing for me.

I am finding who I am, not totally who I was. Since when we met, we younger, and we used to party. I don't really want to go back to that, but more who I want to be now, for me. I feel like I have to remind myself often to be patient, and not to read to much into the little behaviors she does. Not worrying about where she is or what she was doing. I am reading those and other posts on this site.

You say, 'you've always taken care of her, eh'? Well, that might be why she's sick of. She feels controlled. She feels like your dependent. You thought you were doing good I bet. She wants to be free. Show her independence an she's using you as the reason. Let you self off the hook. There is some really good advice on this site.

Maybe your right, Inafog, maybe she did/does. I cant say anything for certain about that because, we ended up here, and I did not see it coming. I do agree that I am being used as the reason for her saying she wants to end it. Which is silly, not to her, but to me. Although I will not show that. She is not going to hear anything I say about that. So I am trying to stay on me, and I am doing a lot of reading from this site. I am perusing things that I had put on the shelf long ago. Things that I have always wanted to finish.

I am pretty much on this site daily, and feel good about being here. This has been such an eye opening place to me. It has helped me find some footing on this mountain. I am listening, and it feels good to type these thoughts out and to hear the responses. Even when they are hard to hear. I was missing that when this started, and was certainly feeling like I was losing direction. I do not expect you all to say do abc and it will be fixed anymore, there is more work to be done. I am staying in the moment as much as I can and putting all I can into being patient. ignoring some of my instincts, which is hard. Another Stander, you said earlier about DB'ing being counter intuitive. I can feel the urge to say something to her, and have done pretty good about just keeping my mouth shut, or walking away. As hard as that is.

Still debating whether I should stay home for the game tomorrow, or go to a friends, leaving her here alone. The thought is whether it would be good to just hang out with her, or better as was said earlier, to just get out of her way. Stuck on that since its tomorrow.

[sandi2]

Inafog, it may help you if you start a thread in Newcomers. You will need to post several times to get off moderation.

[D2ndday]

So tonight, I don't know what was right. I went against my instincts on this one. Last night I asked her what her plan was for tonight's game. We had been planning before the BD that we would watch the super bowl together. After BD we really did not talk about it. She said last night she had a long day (meaning she did not know when she might be home) and had a open shift tomorrow (meaning she would go to bed early, before the end of the game). She asked my plan, I said I was not sure yet. This mornings note was, "have a great day, super bowl tonight." I was debating if I should stay and watch it with her, or part of it, or just go out and watch elsewhere. My instinct was to stay here, and watch it for the short period she would be here and awake. I felt bad leaving her to watch it alone.

But, decided that I should not trust my instinct. My note basically said the dogs had done their business, and I was going out for a bit. "That I might be home by the second half, but that I wanted to see the half time show, so not sure. Go Broncos, Go Chili Peppers ( a shared fav. band) Text if you need me. Might be back before the game, not sure. There is a pizza in the freezer if your hungry."

I did not say where I was going, or committing to when I would be back. I spent a portion of the night wondering what she was doing. Would she be home when I got home or had she gone out because I had? Was I pushing her away? Was I being mean by not staying home? All these questions. Knowing that while the game was on where I was, it was on at my home too. That she was sitting there alone. I felt bad. I still don't know if this was a mistake, going out. I just kept saying to myself, I am getting a life. I don't need to worry about what she is doing, I am showing her what me not being there is like. There was that small part of me that was like, good, she can see what it feels like to sit at home alone as I have been doing since BD. Surrounded by our marriage pictures on the walls. But mostly I am worried that this was not doing the right thing, and that I was being mean by leaving her here.

Really looking for someone's insight on this. I feel like right now I can't trust my instincts.

When I got home, she was asleep, but that's to be expected as it was very late when I got home. So now I am here. Looking to see if I made a mistake. I don't think I did, but second guessing my choice.

[knittedscarff]

I waited a few days, but now I was in full snooping mode. A few days later, I was looking for a lighter in her jacket (after she was asleep), and found a pregnancy test that was positive. One of those digital ones, that said she was 1-2 weeks along. We had not been intimate for about 1 1/2 months at that point. I went to her car, and found more test all saying the same. She was pregnant, but not by me. I was kind of relived, because it meant the cheating would come out, and somehow I saw it a little like karma for cheating. The next day, I noticed on Facebook, I was no longer listed as her husband, but as a friend. When I saw her that night, I asked her why she changed that on FB, and she said she did not mean to, that she was just changing privacy settings. I told her I knew what was happening, and what was going on.

To the OP, do you know what date her OB has placed her due date?

I ask because even though it had been 6 weeks since you were intimate, depending on her cycle, she may be pregnant for you.

That is, if she had a test that said 1-2 weeks pregnant, it doesn't mean she took that test right away, the digital ones are not very reliable on dating so may have been 3-4 weeks along. She might also have taken the test earlier, and the result was still showing. I think the digital ones last a week.

This is a serious question because you said she went to your back yard to smoke. Smoking is not good for pregnancy, but if it your child, do you feel you have the responsibility to let her know she has to take care of herself and the baby?

Let me work backwards to show you how it might be yours:

Week 6 since being intimate & you find pregnancy test - test may be 1 week old
Week 5 - Test taken, showing 1-2 week pregnancy
Week 4 - 3 - Wife pregnant but waiting for menstruation - depending on the length of her cycle this would not be abnormal
Week 2 - Earliest indication of possible pregnancy - late period
Week 1 - 0 - You and wife are intimate (1 1/2 months)

[D2ndday]

I have a hard time even thinking about that. So, I am avoiding it. She has already had a

misscarriage at this point. Whether or not it was mine, I am more concerned with the rest.

She is continuing her affair. I am not going to dwell on the Preg.

I spent this AM watching videos Michele has online, and reading her on the site. I am

backing off. I am looking at 180s that I can do. I am giving her space. The superbowl I

dont if I handled right. I am being cheerful and I have thanked her when she has done

things like setting the coffee maker for when I wake up without me even asking. Thats

something she never used to. I dont know if she is just trying to make it easier living

together now, so she can keep living her until we dont. But I am trying to not worry about

that. I mean not worry about what she may or may not be thinking. Instead focus on

myself. Stay that course as hard as that has been. So easy to slip and worry and feel

bad, but I just keep reminding myself to get back up and keep going..

I am not going to bring up D, or any of that. I am going to continue to presue bettering myself. Be the best that i can be. Listening with eye contact, and letting her start conversations. Working on the energy that I project without words. Thats hard, changing that is hard, since it is not words. Hard enough being careful what I say. Trying to be patient, even when I know this could be feeling like this for a long time. Trying to keep hope.

[AnotherStander]

But, decided that I should not trust my instinct. My note basically said the dogs had done their business, and I was going out for a bit. "That I might be home by the second half, but that I wanted to see the half time show, so not sure. Go Broncos, Go Chili Peppers ( a shared fav. band) Text if you need me. Might be back before the game, not sure. There is a pizza in the freezer if your hungry."

I did not say where I was going, or committing to when I would be back. I spent a portion of the night wondering what she was doing. Would she be home when I got home or had she gone out because I had? Was I pushing her away? Was I being mean by not staying home?

Early on we all do things that we like to think are GAL, but are really our efforts to get the WAS to "see the light". I remember one time not long after BD and before S I told W I was going out, then I went and had dinner and a drink by myself. I sat there the whole time wondering what she was thinking about this. I made sure to stay long enough so that I would get home after her and walked in expecting her to ask questions about where I was and who I was with. She said nothing. Looking back I can see what a sad and pathetic attempt it was to "snap her out of it", I really had no idea at the time just what I was dealing with. And I sense that maybe you're doing the same thing now, you're using GAL as a "trick" to try to wake her up. But here's the thing- by the time a woman becomes a WAW she has convinced herself that she is done with the M and most of the time she could really care less what the LBS does, because she's one foot out the door anyway. GAL isn't for her, it's for YOU. It's YOUR path to healing. Don't do it to try and fix her, it doesn't work that way.

I don't need to worry about what she is doing, I am showing her what me not being there is like. There was that small part of me that was like, good, she can see what it feels like to sit at home alone as I have been doing since BD.

You're not showing her anything, because she WANTS you to not be there. She WANTS time and space from you!

But mostly I am worried that this was not doing the right thing, and that I was being mean by leaving her here.

How many times did she call/ text you asking where you were and when you would be home? Zero? And what does that tell you?

[D2ndday]

AnotherStander, Thank you for calling me out on that! I mean I see the benefit of bettering myself, but there is a huge part of me that wants her to see it. I guess I struggle with patience on all of this. The idea of this stretching out for weeks, months, years, well, it just feels like being an ant on Everest.

Like tonight, she is staying "elsewhere" and I knew I was coming home to an empty house,(not including pets). It still kills me, and makes the mind wander, where is she, what is she doing with him. It just makes me sick!!! I get home usually between 10-11pm. So, its not like I can go out, and I am wound up so I cant sleep. Nor do I want to.

Its like you were saying about what you did early on. I mean yeah, I was kinda hoping that there would have been some comment or reaction to me not coming home until late. I mean I can see it was good for me, to go out. I am more of a homebody these days. I don't go out with friends at night, I stay home. I mean most of my friends are married with kids, lol. Like I said I never said where I went to watch the game, but really I just went to my sisters house, which was great. I can see that it might help with me getting used to going out again. That staying home and watching the game with her, was not wanted or really going to improve anything.

Your comments, about how many times did she call/text. I mean dead on, and that's hard. I guess I am still reeling that this is happening. I think, wow, and I might have to go through that for along time. I mean I walk this line, where sometimes I am fine. If I stay busy, like right now, typing this, instead of snooping, I am better.

Let me first say, I do want my marriage to work. I still love her with all of my heart. At the same time, being honest here, there is a part of me that feels like, "why does she get to out and have fun, and fool around, and I am stuck here". I wont go dating, I still wear my ring, and the idea of perusing another woman turns me off. I have no interest in that, I guess really, I just feel like, "I don't deserve to be treated like this, while she is out doing that and I have to remain true". At the same time, I want to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I don't want anybody else.

You know you just saw right through me. All those feeling I have of disbelief of what she is doing, I was hoping she would have a similar reaction to what I did. Its two sided, I know it is to better me, but I also want her to see. I know she will may what I am doing and is possibly watching, and that this takes time. But again, I am impatient, lol. I want her to see it now!

I really had no idea how wrapped up in her I am/was. Not having her around, its like missing a part of myself.

But, I can tell I needed to hear that. Isaw your post and was like, "oh cr*p! He just saw right through it, lol" I needed that. I did have the illusion of what might happen. It was hard to decide whether to stay her or go out that night. Even though I had those hopes, I am glad I did. Being here would not have helped things at all.

I'll keep reading, and figuring out what how to get on top. Though about taking a trip, just to get out of "this", thought it might give me a break to come at it fresh. Get a break from all of this negativity, and come back refreshed. However I don't know how relaxed I would be. Think I might just be worried, like is she bringing him in my house, or will I come home and find my house empty. So not sure yet about that idea. We'll see. Ill just keep on keeping on for now.

[TipAnna]

I'll keep reading, and figuring out what how to get on top. Though about taking a trip, just to get out of "this", thought it might give me a break to come at it fresh. Get a break from all of this negativity, and come back refreshed. However I don't know how relaxed I would be. Think I might just be worried, like is she bringing him in my house, or will I come home and find my house empty. So not sure yet about that idea. We'll see. Ill just keep on keeping on for now.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone as I am in the exact same situation. Truth is, I KNOW she comes over when I'm not there. So, you going away, should be for you, so that YOU take a breather regardless of what your spouse is up to. You may come home and the house is empty. And what if? You'll deal with it if that does happen. One day at a time, one foot before the other.

I realized that I cannot control what my spouse does or thinks but I can control my body and mind. When I realized that, it was a weight off my shoulders! I stopped focusing on H and a light bulb went off.. What are YOU gonna do to make yourself "comfortable and safe" in your situation, regardless of your spouse. I now know what people here say that you need to set boundaries for yourself and not for THEM.

Keep strong!