I also wanted to quickly post that I have bought a copy of Broken Heart on Hold by Linda Rook and it has been a literal godsend for me. As a Catholic (who takes her religion quite privately) I was reminded today of God's work in this sort of situation. I feel a bit calmer today. I am learning to let go and detach. I think I am starting to understand how standing does not mean that you don't detach. As you rightly say Job, live as if they will not come back. but, I guess, in a quiet part of your heart, you stand for them and for what you know to be true of the relationship you had with them, not what version they are conjuring up now... Wow - this is a really tough tough process... I x
Some of them do tend to let things go and live like they are in a frat house.
I had to laugh about the bedroom starting to look a bit cleaner, especially photos of his university days. Oh, my, longing for those days gone by.
If he's on a cleaning binge, he's wanting to start anew w/something different. Many of them do this. They don't want any reminders of what they once had and yes, they want "change". They think that if things change, especially where they are living, that things will be better. He will continue to change a lot of things and experiment in other areas, but the bottom line is this...yes, the new will be exciting, but the euphoria of the new item will grow old and he'll have to seek something else to give him that "euphoria high" for a bit.
It's typical script for some of them. I wouldn't worry about it too much...from the sound of it, the house needed to be cleaned up since he turned it into a pigsty for quite a while. Who knows, maybe he'll find the magic rock that will bring him back to earth. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job - yes - I know that he wants change and he is going all out to get it. I have never seen him like this in all the time I have known him - he has always been far more easy going. I had a peaceful day yesterday but today I am feeling overwhelmed again....really feeling the loss and the pain of not seeing him or speaking to him (the person that I knew that is). The thing that is giving me strength and hope in a sense is that this is MLC and Depression - and it seems that WAP is fitting all of the specific script indicators. I have been reading and reading about male depression and the timeline before BD fits perfectly. His words fit perfectly. His coldness, his detachment, his lack of empathy fits perfectly. His focus on deleting his "old" life ie myself and my D fits perfectly. I doubt whether he is deleting other people but then again he has openly blamed me for being the cause of him being depressed and having to wend the relationship. I am trying to repeat to myself that there was nothing i could have done. You are right Job - I was bending myself into different shapes to try and do ANYTHING to make him happy but NOTHING was working. Nothing. I am also suspecting that affair with OW started before Xmas - may have been happening for some time. Now I feel really nauseous. I know that she is (or was ) unhappily married with 4 kids - around 8-10 years older than me and one of his singing students/ I was reading Conway's description of the affair and she seems to fit the bill - her own emotional issues and WAP coming in alike a knight in shining armour. I want to have the strength and trust to hand this over to God and trust the process. I want to believe that what we had was truth and not a lie before he went into covert depression. Would appreciate some advice today - am a bit wobbly I x
You need to trust in God and allow him to do his work. There's nothing you can do for him but to pray that he comes through his crisis a better, more settled man. There is absolutely nothing you can do to speed up the process and you do not want to try to "snap" him out of it because he'll only go back into crisis at a later time and it will be far worse than this time around.
You will need to find a way to let things be and get on w/your life. Your daughter needs you now more than ever. Pick up that old to do list that you've put on the back burner and begin working on some of those items. Maybe you have some hobbies or projects that you've put aside and now would be a great time to pick them up. Are there hobbies, projects or even new classes that you would like to do? What about volunteer work?
You've been on this rodeo circuit before, so you know what you need to do...focus on you and your daughter, keep busy and let nature take its course w/him. The less you contact him, the better for he needs keep his focus on his needs/wants right now in order to move along the path.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job, I know that I need to lean on God but I am struggling. I need to trust more in the process don't I.... I know that all that you say is wise and true and my instinct tells me exactly the same thing ....I am surprisingly not in any way tempted to contact him. However I miss him, miss his voice and his presence (in some respects).... I think it has made it all the more confusing re OW as I am only just starting to compute this - as I was moving my things form his house last week I didn't allow myself time to fully take OW into account. Now it is hitting me. I realise that there so nothing I can do. I do find comfort in reading and educating myself re the circumstances, particularly reading about depression (covert etc) so if you have any other advice, links to threads aside from the one that you have posted me I would be very grateful/ I really want to try and empower myself with the knowledge of what is happening, fully, so that I am not overwhelmed by it all. I wish I wasn't struggling so - but I guess this is the time when I need to lean on God the most... Thank you x
You know, Innis - One thing you need to take into account. EVEN IF he came running back tomorrow, said it was all a big mistake, etc etc - is this a man you can trust around your 12 year old daughter?
I know you said their relationship was very good up until this point, and I'm not trying to accuse him of anything right now. But imagine, if you will, moving back in with him, your daughter going through puberty - is a man who has demonstrated the ability to develop this level of erratic behavior, one who should be trusted around a teenage stepdaughter?
If it were up to me, I'd say, thank god you only had 3 years into it, pick yourself up and move on (and maybe don't move in with another man until your daughter is grown). But if you do stick around and eventually take him back - I still wouldn't live with him for a few years. Let him prove himself.
Thank you so much for your support. We all know how much each others support means at times like this.... I am reminded today of two facts - Firstly my D and I were in Australia visiting my near 90 year old grandfather who is dying - he is getting weaker and weaker by the minute.... he was extremely ill and in a huge amount of pain and suffering when were were in Oz over Xmas. I told WAP that by text and I received no acknowledgment of my grandfather at all. The last day D and I saw him was a day after BD and I was completely traumatised. I am struggling with knowing that that is the last I will see of him..... I am struggling to think that WAP, who has STAYED with my grandparents a few years ago and was generous and kind to them - did not even acknowledge this was going on. In fact he said he told me by email (BD) in Oz "so that D and I would have the support of my family" What - for 5 days before we had to fly home? With my family already in upset re my grandfather? This is hurting me today. WAP and I (I am a pianist) had three concerts booked (one late January - two this month) and he asked me in the BD email whether I thought we should proceed with them (that it would be professional etc). I cannot BELIEVE he would think that it is right to rehearse with me, on a daily basis, after dropping the bomb and having an affair with OW. Is this all part of the MLC'ers delusion and crazy thinking. I just DONT GET IT... I miss my grandfather - sorry everyone x
Your focus now needs to be on how your grandfather is doing and be there as a family member for his time is fading fast.
I agree w/KML that it's a good thing that your daughter isn't living there right now because these crisis people can do some really nutty stuff and you don't want your daughter exposed to all that emotional garbage, as well as anything else he may have sitting around the home. It just isn't healthy for the children to be exposed to all of that stress and tension if it's not necessary. Just my two cents.
Also, even if he came running back, begging you to come back, I wouldn't do it right a way. He most definitely would have to do the hard work of seeking counseling, show you that he's the man of your dreams and yes, win you back. Actions speak louder than words.
As for empathy, his empathy chip is broken. He's not going to feel much of anything right now about your family or your grandfather. He is in the self absorbed, selfish world of "me". It's all about him and what makes him feel good and happy right now. So, please keep your expectations at zero because he's out to lunch.
As for the concerts, that's up to you as to whether you want to proceed and perform w/him. I think I would find it rather awkward to perform w/him, knowing what he's just done.
Yes, it is all part of the MLCer's delusion and crazy thinking. You won't get it because your partner is not thinking rationally right now. You can't rationalize w/an irrational person.
I'm very sorry about your grandfather and that's why it is very important to focus on him, your daughter and yourself. As for the "nutty buddy", leave him in the pot to boil and stew in his own MLC juices. There is no room for you in that pot.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thank you job - I have read and re-read your post. i brings such comfort. I had a bad night last night - I was overwhelmed with my sadness. Your comment about handing it over to God really rang true and I need to do it..... What I was reading alst night were some threads about going dark whioch i found very interesting. I think it was particularly relevant for me in that, in teh past and certainpy during the 12-15 months to BD - I was always trying toappease and cry, pleas etc when things were a bit weird (his emotional detachment etc). I know taht eh was expecting em to do the same this time. I wasnt deliverately dark from BD - it just happened that way. i just couldnt contact him - my body and mind were saying NO. Eventually i did email him but it was purely business like - arrangements for teh collection of our things. I have even surprised myself that I havent ONCE brought up anything to do with his decision and subsequent behaviour at BD. It is unlike me so therefore I am automatically doing a 180. The thing is that unlike some situations where the LBS has pleaded, begged etc AND THEN gone dark, I went dark from the word go. He had an initial semi-panic in that he couldnt understand why I was in contact with him (showing no sadness,understanding etc) - that was in the first week after BD. However since then - NOTHING. He has not made any movement in response to me going dark except comments in relation to my moving our things out and the redirection of our mail. So - my question is - in many cases going dark illicits SOME sort of reaction from WAS/P but in my case there is DEAD silence. I know you have said the more I leave him alone the better as this action will enable him to keep travelling through the tunnel without any interference. Do I just trust that, in time, he will make SOME contact? If there is no contact at all from him, despite me going dark, do I just leave it.... My instinct is to carry on with what I am doing.. Last email from him (brief, perfunctory, cold) was last Friday. I would really appreciate some guidance on this one. Maybe I went dark TOO soon if that is possible? I x
