I assure you, LITB I am not projecting. I remain pretty level leading up to and during the exchanges. He sincerely does not want to leave me. I don't coax him, trash-talk EX, nothing....he just doesn't want to be there with her and I do not know why....I don't know what goes on with the two of them while he is there or how they interact -- I just know he is really upset when he has to go.
I don't know how depressed she is, but I do know that she has struggled with depression for years and stopped taking anything for it after BD. She is insecure - that is a fact. And in terms of "barely surving" she portrays herself as "OK" during our brief and infrequent meetings.
I think I carry myself well during the transactions - even though yes, reality right now suks. I keep my feelings to myself about it for sure and do not let my heart show that much to S. I just try to comfort him....and I do have tears in my eyes sometimes, but I am not losing it or anything.
I both appreciate and miss your input....I wish you lived on my shoulder.
AMEN! You've heard of Elf-On-The-Shelf? We all need Sandi-On-My-Shoulder
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In that moment, I held him in her doorway and tried to comfort him as best I could as he cried.
Oh man, that made me tear up! My S hasn't cried at times like that, but like last night (S comes to my house every day after school on W's weeks and stays there until she picks him up) when W picked him up he grabbed onto me and wouldn't let go. It's so tough seeing what this does to our kids.
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I am long past the stage of assigning blame and pointing fingers, but I do wish at times that she would unbury her head a little and at least acknowledge that this is not the greatest deal for S.
I suspect she may know it quite well but is acting "as if" everything is fine. WAS's are really good at that. I know my W still cries a lot as D17 hears her and mentions it to me, but yet she's stony and unemotional around me. So the feelings are there, they just don't show them to us.
Despite all this I get the sense from your posts that you're maintaining a good outlook and certainly I sense no hostility on your part towards your W, so that's a good place to be
I assure you, LITB I am not projecting. I remain pretty level leading up to and during the exchanges. He sincerely does not want to leave me. I don't coax him, trash-talk EX, nothing....he just doesn't want to be there with her and I do not know why....I don't know what goes on with the two of them while he is there or how they interact -- I just know he is really upset when he has to go.
I am glad to hear that you are not projecting. I know how difficult exchanges can be. If my S7 had a choice, he would be with me all of the time.
Seems like you are doing everything you can, given the circumstances. I can only assume that you don't project your discomfort through your body language either based on your post. Is that fair to say?
Just trying to figure out if there is anything that is within your control that can be changed to improve the situation. I think the idea of meeting in a neutral location is at least trying something different. You don't know, unless you try.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I think I am going to go buy the domain name sandionmyshoulder.com!
I really don't have much in the way of hostility towards her. Even looking back on my old posts I never really lashed out at her. More just sadness, hurt and a ton of confusion. Hell, I told my IC yesterday sometimes I think it would be easier if I really DID hate her! I know that is BS, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind. Desipte this crappy path, I still have a huge space in my heart for her. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me.
You are also correct, AS, that she is pretty stone-like in front of me most of the time. No clue what is going on below the surface - but I would figure you would have to be a borderline sociopath to see your child suffering and be OK with it. Still, I know that there is nothing that I can do about it.
LITB - I try to be self-aware as possible and don't think that I am contributing to his reactions. Literally if I just say "we have to go to mom's today" -- it starts. I have tried telling him in advance, I have tried telling him last minute - and nothing seems to help the situation much. As I mentioned before on Christmas Eve he said "I hate my mama!" - which stopped me dead in my tracks. He had never said that about anything or anyone before - I didn't even know the word was in is vocab. My IC said that that is a pretty "heavy" word for a three year old to drop. And again, I assure you that I do not project any negative feelings towards his mother around him. Ever.
I am not sure if there is much I can do to change the situation just yet - I am trying, and I suppose getting XW to discuss with IC is a good first step.
You are on it Crimson. All I can say is keep doing what you are doing. Be there for your kid and keep trying.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hell, LITB - I don't know if I am on it or not. I am literally rolling with whatever comes my way, balancing hope with reality and trying to be the best dad/man I can be in light of cruddy circumstances. I appreciate your support as well as everyone else's. If nothing else, this experience can make a proud man humble.
