Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[dingo]

New thread - old one is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2423724&page=11

I want to clarify a few things Sandi.

First - I believe the crazy email you are referring to is this one that I received last Friday (1/24):
Are you interested in moving forward with a divorce if I'm continuing the affair? We don't have to email. We can text or if you want to talk on the phone you can call me during lunch today.

I never responded to this email.

This Tuesday (1/28) I received this email:
Hello. How have you been? I was so used to hearing from you that its been weird not talking to you.

I did not respond to this email either.

Yesterday (Thursday 1/30) I received this email:
no response to my last email??

It was sent to all three of my email accounts with a read receipt notification on each.

A couple of hours later, after I did not respond, I received the below text:
hello???? are you ignoring me?

Shortly thereafter I responded with:
No – not ignoring you. I’ve been good. Busy at work – (Big Boss) is up and we’re trying to figure out strategy for this year.

SHE then responded with:
ok. i was just checking in I guess. I'm going to RI this weekend. Maybe we should try to meet up next week sometime. I'll talk to you at the beginning of the week.

I did not respond to this last email. I did not carry it further, I did not suggest we meet up and talk - SHE did. She reached out to me 3 or 4 times before I responded and my response was short, to the point and did not offer anything further.

I have also read many many stories on these boards where people say that they have to learn to be friends first. That the LBS should detach but also leave the way home open. How can I do that if I ignore her. We don't have children. How can we have positive interactions, ones where she notices changes and sees potential for a new relationship, when I refuse to interact with her by ignoring her? How can we have positive interactions if I cannot even be civil to her?

I think AS said it in a post to another person recently but this is the tightrope that we all walk in these situations. I don't think that I responded out of an addiction to interact with her. I resisted the urge to respond to two previous emails. I do think that I was in complete control of myself with my response. I waited a few days, I asked for feedback from people here and my eventual response was 100% un-emotional.

Furthermore, I have no idea what her relationship with the OM is at this point. The last I heard from her, he was not interested in talking to her until she was divorced. She has made no moves to get divorced to allow that relationship to continue.

Prior to my no-snooping goal (which I have been able to adhere to btw - have not snooped since Sunday night), I had noticed some obvious changes in their relationship - namely that he had not spent the night at her place since the beginning of the year. This is in contrast to the month of December where he was there regularly.

Maybe this all means something and maybe it doesnt, but if one of my goals is eventual reconciliation, it occurs to me that I have to allow myself to be vulnerable at times. I have to consider the possibility that maybe the veil has started to lift without pinning my hopes and dreams on that being the case.

If I am wrong in all of this and there is another way to do what I am trying to accomplish, please let me know.

[labug]

Sandi can answer for Sandi but just know that boundaries are important and that you get to decide who you let in but do it knowing the consequences.

If your W really loves you and wants to be with you, you protecting your boundaries won't kill her love. You could even remind her that you have a very good reason to want to protect yourself.

If your W constantly ignores your boundaries, you have a decision to make. Is this someone you want a R with?

Don't mind-read about what's going on in her head about D, the other man, etc. That's fear-based and living in fear keeps you stuck.

Do what's best for Dingo.

[completelylost]

I think you are doing good Dingo, it is a tight rope, and being vulnerable [censored] especially in this type of setting. However; when you love you are vulnerable, I personally think you've made tremendous growth steps.

[dingo]

Don't mind-read about what's going on in her head about D, the other man, etc. That's fear-based and living in fear keeps you stuck.

Do what's best for Dingo.

Thanks for your response bug. I understand about boundaries but if I let those boundaries become a wall, that doesn't do me any good either.

Isn't saying, 'I won't respond because she's crossed this boundary and hurt me before so I want to protect myself from further hurt' also fear based?

Again, if one of my goals is reconciliation, isn't it preferable to let her in just a little - with no expectations either way and no pressure and see what happens?

[dingo]

and thanks for our input too CL. I was looking for your thread the other day and didn't see anything recent.

[labug]

Thanks for your response bug. I understand about boundaries but if I let those boundaries become a wall, that doesn't do me any good either.

Sometimes we need a wall to find our inner strength, get our feet firmly planted and to detach. You're still greatly affected by everything she does and says and writes. Go back to your anxiety about the last email.

Isn't saying, 'I won't respond because she's crossed this boundary and hurt me before so I want to protect myself from further hurt' also fear based?

No. I see it as saying "I know what I need to do for me to keep me healthy."

it's a very good question. Our boundaries should come from a place of strength not fear. Boundaries are you taking care of you.

Again, if one of my goals is reconciliation, isn't it preferable to let her in just a little - with no expectations either way and no pressure and see what happens?

Sure, but the tough part is, and only you know if you can do this, with no expectations.

Can you truly do that at this stage?

Again, go back to the email she sent you about getting together.

When her emails don't send you spinning, you're probably closer to being detached. Then think about letting her in a little.

If you not responding to her every email or text sends her into OM arms, she was never really out of them.

[completelylost]

Yea i haven't updated in awhile, She's back home and we are working through things it's been a filled with many up's and downs but I can honestly say i'm so much better for the sitch as much as I hated it. I think our sitch have lot's incommon. Like you all we have no kids together and I always thought she had no reason to return, but not so... The only constant in life is change, and what they feel today might not be the same tomorrow. In my sitch there wasn't OM that I know of and like you I snooped! All the time, maybe not what's reccommended but i've always liked to know what i'm facing. The thing is I was strong enough to not confront whenever I saw a number I didn't know or when she talked about me on FB to friends(Had her pw). Doesn't work for all but to each his own... The site is a GREAT resource but nothing any of us say here is infalliable after all we are all human. Do you what works for you, I asked an old lady the other day who'd been married for 65 years what the secret was she said "Endless patience, and no matter how crazy or wrong you think the other person is you are just as wrong and crazy!" That touched me deep and it's really that simple...

Let grace and mercy be your guide, doesn't mean take whatever or tolerate infidelity, just remember we all fall short.

If you not responding to her every email or text sends her into OM arms, she was never really out of them.

Def agree one of the biggest mistakes I made was operating out of fear. DON'T let fear dictate!

[dingo]

with no expectations.

Can you truly do that at this stage?

Again, go back to the email she sent you about getting together.

When her emails don't send you spinning, you're probably closer to being detached. Then think about letting her in a little.

If you not responding to her every email or text sends her into OM arms, she was never really out of them.

I guess I don't know if I can do it with no expectations until I try. Her email did send me spinning but only for a short time. I feel like I am pretty well grounded right now but maybe I'm not - the only way to know that for sure is to have interactions with her, right?

I don't think I am suggesting that she will run to the OM if I ignore her but I don't want to make it so uncomfortable for her to approach me that she won't do it. I read her initial email about it being weird not talking to me as essentially saying 'i miss you.' If that's her testing the waters to see if its safe for her to be vulnerable around me without me either: 1) pressuring her to get right back into working on things or 2) telling her to piss off, then I guess I feel like I owe it to myself to hear her out. If I do end up expecting things and I am not as ready as I thought, then I have to 1) learn my lesson for the next time and 2) not let her see that I had expectations so that she does still feel comfortable approaching me.

I guess what I am saying is that I don't know until I try. Its about trying things and seeing what works, right?

Again - please please please tell me if I am really missing the boat on this....

[PatientMan]

Did you tell her what your boundaries are?

-PM

[dingo]

The only one that's relevant to the current situation is the standard for infidelity: We will not work on our relationship while you are involved in another.

She has been told this.