AS, I just want to echo what everyone else has already said . . . I am sorry that you and your W are going through this. I am so impressed with how you handle yourself despite your W's unfriendly reaction. I know how much it must hurt you. For what it's worth, many of us on this board have learned so much and continue to learn not only from your advice on our threads but from watching you and how you handle your own sitch.
((AS))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I really admire the man you have become, AS. I hope I get to that point someday. I am so sorry that your wife has to go through this, and I am sorry for you as well. Stay strong, my friend
Quote for the day- “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” (Henry Ford)
I forgot to mention in the last updates that I revived one of my old GAL activities a couple of weeks ago, I'm involved in building houses with Habitat for Humanity again. It's something I did before BD but let lapse when W told me after BD that she thought it was selfish of me to "spend all that time" doing Habitat and leaving her to fend for herself with the kids. How ironic that someone could view doing volunteer work as “selfish”!! The other irony is that she and the kids all sleep until noon or later on Saturdays and I would leave before 7:00 and get back at around 1:00, so it was hardly an imposition on her. Often when I got home they were just getting up for the day. Anyway, I think it was a misguided 180 attempt on my part to quit going. I think we all get so focused on “fixing” every “problem” the WAS lays on us that we don’t stop to consider whether in some cases their complaints are even valid or not. D17 needed to get some volunteer hours in so she went with me the last two weekends. It was fun having here there with me and she said she enjoyed it.
I see W a few times a week and she’s still dealing with that really uncomfortable wrap around her arm. It greatly limits her mobility. She seems to be in good spirits though, jokes about it like saying if she doesn’t have to turn while driving she props it up on top of the steering wheel. I asked her if she puts the seat back and turns the stereo up really loud too, LOL! Usually we just see each other a few minutes here and there, but we sit together at S11’s basketball games and chat back and forth. Strangely it’s those times that we get along the best and she seems most relaxed and like her old self. Seems like the other times I see her at my house or hers when doing kid exchanges she’s got her castle walls up.
No news on the D, I’m still keeping with the “don’t ask” policy on that.
I’m still heavily into weight lifting, I finally had to break down and custom order new dress shirts because my old ones are now too tight in the chest and arms. Even my winter coats are a bit snug now. It’s a nice “problem” to have
Originally Posted By: dingo
Wow AS - i am so sorry to hear the news about your wife. I think its just amazing how you keep up a loving persona in the face of all that coldness. You have been very supportive of me in my situation and I wanted to come by and let you know that I am reading your thread as well. While I don't have much advice to offer, I do truly wish the best for you and your family.
Hang in there man!!
Thanks Dingo! W just has one more week of the “heavy” wrap and then gets to switch to the one that’s more of just a compression sleeve, so I think she’ll be much better after that.
Originally Posted By: artsy
AS, you are most definitely the definition of Grace. You are inspirational, for sure. Sorry you are going through this.
Thank you! I really embraced the “woe is me” attitude for a long time I think, but now I realize that maybe I needed this to shock me out of my complacency. My M was on autopilot, but I kind of was too. This has made me take a keener interest in doing something with myself and my life. I certainly wouldn’t wish any of our sitches on anyone, but if it happens then we might as well accept the challenge and turn it into something positive.
Originally Posted By: Am I Too Late
You said exactly the right words to your W, plus you also have the true conviction and empathy behind those words to back them up.
You are wise to not expect a response, yet if you still have feelings as you obviously do, you always will have a glimmer of hope.
She may someday realize how lucky she still is to have you in her life to any extent.
Prayers for you and your Wife.
Thank you, that’s very kind of you I’m not sure I’m quite the saint that I may sound like here though, LOL! I try, but certainly there are things I could do better, I’m a work in progress!
Originally Posted By: melissag
AS, I just want to echo what everyone else has already said . . . I am sorry that you and your W are going through this. I am so impressed with how you handle yourself despite your W's unfriendly reaction. I know how much it must hurt you. For what it's worth, many of us on this board have learned so much and continue to learn not only from your advice on our threads but from watching you and how you handle your own sitch.
Thank you Melissa! I do have to say though, if you can get to the point of real detachment, and I think I’ve achieved that, then your spouse’s reaction to things really don’t hurt you anymore. To me it’s more perplexing than painful, I look at the way she reacts to me and I just don’t get it. I used to take it personally but I don’t anymore, because she is literally the only person in my entire life that shuts me out and treats me so coldly. That is all on HER, not me. She’s so mired in the fog that she can’t see the real me, just some made-up version she concocted to convince herself that I was responsible for her unhappiness.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I really admire the man you have become, AS. I hope I get to that point someday. I am so sorry that your wife has to go through this, and I am sorry for you as well. Stay strong, my friend
Thanks SP, I appreciate it! I do feel bad that W has to go through it, and that it is FOREVER, not something that she just has to do for a while. Hopefully this is the last complication she'll have to go through!
AnotherStander, as other mentioned I'm sorry to hear about your wife's condition. I think you are taking the high road in all things.
I hear you on weight lifting and getting new clothes, doesn't it feel great?! My boss said something about me starting to really fill out my clothes, that was pretty flattering. I hope others are complimenting you on that as well.
Keep up the good work!
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
That's a great quote and so true. I actually wrote it on the cover of my 'Situation Journal.' Thanks for sharing that.
I also think the line about our lives being on autopilot probably resonates with almost everyone here. I know I felt that way about myself (as well as my M). I remember a few years back thinking 'is this all there is?' - and being strangely content with that - even though I recognized I wasn't really happy.
Better to live through a few years of really tough times with a happy ending than a lifetime of complacency.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Not alot to add - just following along. The comment around complacency did remind me of something I heard yesterday related to contentment......
This particular lady defined being Contentment in a positive light which really stuck with me at the time.
"Contentment is being fully satisfied with where you currently are on the road to where you are going"
Very different than how I think Contentment is often portrayed in today's "instant gratification" society.
In these trying times trying to keep that statement front my mind. Not easy, but has certainly helped me the last 2 days so thought that I would share......
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
That is really amazing of you! I have a friend who divorced her abusive H many years ago and he still goes out of his way to make her life as miserable as possible. If she were in the hospital he would not only keep the kids away, but would tell her she was getting just what she deserved in whatever ailment put her there. There are a lot of people like that out there.
>>> It amazes me how DB'ing people are just the opposite- they are warm, caring, passionate people and it is astonishing to me that their spouses can't see it. <<<
Why is that the spouses can't or won't see it? Is it just me or does anyone else wonder if "we" the DB'ers are going about it wrong. Do you ever think we are just giving in and our WAS's are saying this has been the easiest Divorce ever, My H or W didn't even put up a fight, I guess they knew it was for the best too.
Do you think they want us to Man or Women up and be strong and take control of the situation?
Didn't mean to hijack, but sometimes I feel like Im going about this all wrong and feel like Im being walked on.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
AS it sounds to me that you don't like it when some don't accept you. I don't believe that W is the only human being in the universe that treats you coldly and has shut you out. I have a hunch that anyone who does not admire you well you know....
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I hear you on weight lifting and getting new clothes, doesn't it feel great?! My boss said something about me starting to really fill out my clothes, that was pretty flattering.
It is a great feeling, and congrats on your transformation as well! Darned expensive to replace all the work clothes though, but I needed to anyway.
Originally Posted By: dingo
I also think the line about our lives being on autopilot probably resonates with almost everyone here. I know I felt that way about myself (as well as my M). I remember a few years back thinking 'is this all there is?' - and being strangely content with that - even though I recognized I wasn't really happy.
Yeah, "content" is a good word because I felt the same way, I wasn't as happy and fulfilled as I could have been but I was content with the status quo. If I had known how unhappy W was I would have done it differently though.
Originally Posted By: Groovshadow
I also wanted to add my thoughts about you. I look forward to reading your posts and perspective. You have been very inspiring to me.
Thank you!
Originally Posted By: SemperFi00
"Contentment is being fully satisfied with where you currently are on the road to where you are going"
Very different than how I think Contentment is often portrayed in today's "instant gratification" society.
That's an interesting definition, and by THAT definition I should not have been content because where I was going was BD. Even though I didn't know it, perhaps I would have if I wasn't on autopilot. I should have been more aware and involved.
Originally Posted By: OneDay
Is it just me or does anyone else wonder if "we" the DB'ers are going about it wrong. Do you ever think we are just giving in and our WAS's are saying this has been the easiest Divorce ever, My H or W didn't even put up a fight, I guess they knew it was for the best too.
Interesting thought. If we end up in D, then could we have done something differently after BD that would have saved the M? Unfortunately I guess we'll never know. But the beauty of DB'ing is it takes us away from being angry and bitter towards the WAS and puts our focus on making ourselves better, so even if the M doesn't survive we still emerge well-prepared for the next stage in life. My brother has been stuck for 6 or 7 years now because he is STILL angry and resentful towards his WAW. I've seen how it's ruined his life and that is not a place where anyone wants to be!
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
AS it sounds to me that you don't like it when some don't accept you.
Well, first the ice queen treatment is not something I view as acceptance or non-acceptance of me, but rather just as the way she behaves towards me. She clearly accepts me as a person and as a father, she has said some really great things about me to myself and to others (not lately but in the months after BD). Second, it's not that I don't like it, I just don't understand it. It's perplexing to me. And that's really just a statement about WAS behavior in general, because I know many of them do it and I know there's no answer as to why they do it. I guess I'm just venting my thoughts when I say I don't understand it.
Quote:
I don't believe that W is the only human being in the universe that treats you coldly and has shut you out.
Well, believe it or not, I can't think of anyone else. I mean sure I've gotten in arguments with people, and have gotten the silent treatment for a while, but we've always smoothed things over later. I really can't think of anyone that I've ever been close to that wasn't mad or angry, but just cold like that.
Quote:
I have a hunch that anyone who does not admire you well you know....
Really? That's funny! I think if you told any of my buddies that I have some deep-seated need to be admired they would totally bust out laughing 100% of what we know about each other is what is on these forums, which is probably 1% of who we really are
I’m not sure I’m quite the saint that I may sound like here though, LOL! I try, but certainly there are things I could do better, I’m a work in progress!