Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm gonna put my bet on Job on this one as well. Why? Besides rooting for the underdog, and while you are ensconced with Hot Momma Cass (there's a song in there somewhere), I sense a spark and a light somewhere deep down in ya for Ms Wonka.
I have no doubt it could happen. I'm not so sure that it's going to happen, but I'll err on the side of Job.
No matter how it turns out, I do strongly hope for your and Ms Wonka's reconciliation of the past. Even if you go your sep ways afterward or something else happens, it seems you both would like and benefit from that reconciliation.
Cheers!
AJ
P.S. Ferrari? That's so....80's and 90's. Maserati's baby. Maserati's.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have to say Wonka I can sense the spark as well...
I want to ask a question from the back of the class...
When you started to become more lucid, is that when you started to learn about MLC? When did you know that you went through a MLC?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Before I answer questions from the class, I need to be honest and transparent here on what's happened in the past few days. I can count on you guys to hold my feet to the fire.
First of all, I must say that I erupted like a volcano this past Saturday. Internally, I had an epic spew against Job. Never in my life had someone slapped my face so hard with three simple words: "We'll see..."
For several months, I was detached with Ms. Wonka and was happy that we were slowly becoming friends after so many years of ice-cold responses and/or non responses. Then I met my hot girl, Cass, who I felt sparks flying instantly between the two of us [a first for me]. When you guys were mooning over the prospect of Ms. Wonka and I getting back together, I was amused and playfully rolled my eyes at you guys' never ending mushy sentimentality.
Then I read Job's comment "We'll see..."...at first, I just smiled at her enigmatic comment. Then I became very, very quiet and pensive staring at the screen. The next few days, I struggled mightly with holding in the self-construct of a person who has moved on bravely and doing a bang on job of it. With those three simple words, Job has created a fissure in my outer shell. Sort of like that early Apple commercial when the guy ran up against the large white/black screen and smashed it with sledgehammer. Poof!! That is what Job did above.
I'm a very strong person and it takes a lot to take me down emotionally. There were sleepless nights and a ton of restlessness since then just turning over those damn three words in my head. Then kaboom! I spewed and spewed at Job with F-bombs and all that crazy jazz this past Saturday.
When the fumes had run out from the epic spew, I asked myself these two questions:
'Wonka, are you really angry with Job for saying these words?'
or
'Are you more angry that that someone lobbed these words at all...not with Job per se?'
Ah, I was not angry at Job. I was angry and very f-ing scared --scratch that...terrified with this fear: Opening up my heart to Ms. Wonka once again and having it smashed into gazillion smithereens A-G-A-I-N.
For the last 3 years or so, I did not permit myself to stray into the emotional territory whereas I would "feel" every emotion associated with kisses, touches, and other intimacy-related activities as if they happened in real-time. I still shove down these "feelings" if they ever appear in my movie-screen head. I remind myself..."The past is over. Past is past. You cannot live in your head. Look forward!"
I don't want Ms. Wonka to cast a long shadow in my life or in my relationships. Oh my goodness, Ms. Wonka was the "third" party in my last relationship with my former GF and she knew it. deep sigh She said "I'm not Ms. Wonka" once or twice. Oh boy, boy. Sometimes I feel it is just easier to leave that door firmly closed with the key thrown far, far away in some ravine with inch-long thorns.
The questions I ask myself are:
Will I ever let down my guard completely? Will I ever be able to give my heart completely again? Will I ever feel truly loved by a new partner/spouse?
Frankly, I don't have the answers nor want to delve too deep.
Job, I owe you an apology from my heart for the epic spew at you...even if you were not physically in the room with me. Just the same. xo
Wonka, You need to take some time and truly look within. The answer to your three questions is yes, however, it will take some time for you to truly heal and be comfortable w/yourself once again. The walls will come down slowly but surely when the time is right.
Be true to yourself first and foremost and the rest of what is to come will follow, i.e., love, life and laughter. It will come but only when you are ready to tear down the walls of protection to your heart.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now that's growth Wonka. Proud of you. Job is right. The answer to those 3 questions is up to you. It's your choice to make yourself vulnerable again. I was told by a mother of the pain of giving birth. She went to explain why she would do it again and again. I think giving life to a new love is worth the pain.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Wonka, you remind me of the Velveteen Rabbit. You are becoming real. I've often thought of that story as I've watched Smokey move (or sit still) on this journey of his.
It takes a lot of courage to be real.
Turns out Wonkity has a little MUSHY MUSHY MUSHY in her too. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
