Hi, I am new to this forum but have learned a lot of ideas from reading old posts. Sorry this is so long. It's hard to decipher what things matter more than others.
I have been married to my husband for 11 years, together for 15. We have no children. In October, he began acting like I was not a priority. When questioned about this, he told me that he was unhappy with himself in many aspects of life (not taking the time to go to church, seeing his family, doing things to make me feel loved).
My husband has an extremely stressful career that requires rigorous demands of his time, so what he complained about made sense to me. Our marriage has had more stressful situations than I believe the average marriage does. We have always loved each other, rarely fought, and were best friends who enjoyed being together. I will say that we have not had passion in our marriage for a long time, but I always chalked it up to stress, his exhaustion, and the mundane routine of daily life. Looking back, I do feel unfulfilled, but certainly never wanted to put more pressure on him.
He started talking to a priest and going to church. About 6 weeks after the initial complaint of being unhappy with who he was, it turned into that though he loved and cared for me, he was not in love with me anymore. He says that he has felt this way for over a year but did not tell me because I had a close family member that was ill for the entire year. He told me he needed time because he did not know if he wanted to work on our marriage. He felt that we had had 15 years to get it right. I left to give him the space that he needed, though I had not seen this coming. By this time, we had spent very little time together for two months due to his work schedule. While I was giving him space, I had found a few inconsistencies and became suspicious of an affair. Shortly after, he went on a vacation with another woman. He wouldn't answer my calls and denied having an affair via text, saying he just needed to get away and was with a friend. I did what research I could and found out that the OW worked with him and is single and 10 years younger than me. While he was still out of town, I consulted an attorney who recommended that I take half of our savings. He did not come home until 2 nights after he got back in town. By this time, I had taken the money.
When I confronted him about the affair, he denied sleeping with her, saying that he has only kissed her and that she has nothing to do with the way he feels about our marriage. That none of this is about another woman. I asked him to end it and he would not commit to doing so. He said there was nothing to end, that he's not in a relationship, she's just a friend and he'd only been seeing her for 3 weeks. The next day he agreed to go to counseling but couldn't promise anything. This ended up being an independent session for him. That evening we fought and he said he could never see us being happy again, he has no desire to work on our marriage, and that he does not share my optimism that we can fall back in love. He did not want to be the one to end our marriage. He told me he thought I should leave him. I told him I would not file for divorce as this was his doing, that I wanted to work on our marriage.
But I ended up leaving the next day, filled my car with clothes and went to my parents, planning to do PLAN B. I would have liked to have tried PLAN A but felt that he wasn't going to let me try and what was the point if he would not sleep at our house or agree to business only contact with her (which is the best I can hope for since he must give 3 months notice to leave his job.) I had already lost 15 pounds, and still can't eat, can't sleep. I did not respond to the two texts that I got, but he did say that he would read the books I had bought by Dr. Harley and he thought he needed to read them before returning to the counselor.
About 5 days later, we had a counseling session scheduled, so I went to it; he did not, he took the OW to dinner. While I was in the town where we live, I decided to see a friend (whose husband is my husband's business partner and a serial cheater, as is their third partner). My purpose was to find out any info that she might know about the affair.
She knew nothing, however, we discovered that the OW had also had a 2 year affair with her husband. I found some other details and decided that I needed to talk to him before I left town, therefore messing up Plan B. Also, from what I could tell, I think he was staying with the OW while I was gone.
When I told him this information, he knew about the affair but was concerned with the timeframe that I was told it ended. He told me he was going to call her to say that he couldn't be "her friend" anymore. I remembered that he should write her a letter too late. When he came back from calling her, she had talked him out of it.
The next day I told him I couldn't be in limbo for much longer, that I was starting to lose my desire to work on our marriage as well. I tried to get him to spend his week off with me so we could try a little of Plan A, but he did not want to. I asked him if he knew if he wanted a divorce. He said yes. Then said that he didn't know if it was 100% the right decision or if he would regret it. Then he said he needed more time.
I can admit that I have faults but also feel that getting your needs met is a 2 way street. This man is not my husband. He has always been very good to me. This cold treatment and disrespect that he has shown me is totally out of character. This is a person who was mortified by the behavior of his partners and how they treated their wives. He is now adamant that he is nothing like them, even though he is having an affair.
So I have now left again and am back to trying Plan B. I read about starting to move some things out. I don't feel ready to pack up furniture but what are your thoughts on packing up the things that make a house feel homey (pictures, knickknacks, etc.)? I am also preparing for exposure. I tried to disclose the affair to one of his best friends, who did not take it well. He said he knew we were having problems and that he had encouraged my husband to work it out and would continue to do so, but that my husband denied any affair as a problem.
The OW is single, should I expose the affair to her parents? I am working on what I would like to say to his parents.
I am new here, I am glad I found this place. Feel like it is just what I need. It has already given me a new direction to go in which is a healthy one. I do want to save my marriage, but know that the rules are good for me even if this is not possible. Looking for guidance, and hope.
I found out on 2/2012 about my H having an EA, we tried to work on things but he kept communications with OW. I kicked him out on 8/2012. The next few months were very hard because we have a 20 month old baby girl and he has not helped me financially at all.
Cell records shows H talks to OW daily. I filled out D papers and drafted a marital settlement agreement and handed the docs to him on 1/4/2014, a day before our 13 yr anniversary. He claimed not to want D, didn't know when he would cut contact with OW or attempt to do something about our R. He seems truly lost. I discovered the same week, talked to a DB coach and read DR. I also stopped all contact with him on 1/4/14, only on Sundays I see him when he takes baby girl for the day.
So, I don't want a D but also don't plan on sitting around for someone taking me for granted. I spent my last 5 months on GAL w/o knowing, IC, yoga, self reflection, focus on my daugther, etc... Now just patiently focusing on me and hoping this LDEA ends...
Anyone DB successful with LDEA? My H texted me tonight about baby, then small chat wanting to know if I was dating, not sure where that came from....how long should I have no contact? Any advice is kindly needed and appreciated.
H 38, me 39 M 13 D 2 yrs BD 2/2013 H in LDEA 2011-2014 H kicked out of our home 8/2013
Please note, that your desire to stay married is the perfect motivation for Divorce Busting Techniques to be successful. Call me and I'd be happy to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004. Help is on the way.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
Hi Roberta, I spoke with a DB coach once...and read the DR. My homework is to read the five languages of love and I am well on my way to 180's and no contact. I need to make my other two appointments to have a more concrete plan. My first call seemed more of a discovery phase than anything.
H 38, me 39 M 13 D 2 yrs BD 2/2013 H in LDEA 2011-2014 H kicked out of our home 8/2013
Hi I'm in the midst of a divorce I do not want. In October my husband of 8 years came to me and said he wasn't happy and wanted out. He stated he has never loved me, doesn't love me and needs to be free to find the hope for happiness. No sign of an affair but I do wonder. I made the changes he want but on the 29th of December he said it was completely over. I filed for divorce the next week to protect myself and my children's financial interests. He wanted a dissilusionsment. We have 3 children - 6 months, 2 years and 6 years. I am hoping its a MLC. I just ordered the Divorce Busting book and left a message for a marriage coach. I am praying for a miracle and clarity and support. Every one tells me to let him go. Everyone including his family says we have no idea what he is thinking, he's an idiot and we are so sorry. It's not your fault. Please let me know what my next steps are. Oh yeah and he wants to remain best friends.
W-38 -H-42 M 8 T-11 CH-6 months,2 years and 6 years I filed-1/6/2014
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
I'm looking for help in dealing with porn addicted husband and haven't seen anything on the site yet that deals with this. Can someone point me in the right direction?
Not really sure if this is the right place for me, but I'm looking for some active support.
Happily married since 1995, together since 1993. In November 2013 my husband cheerfully let me know that he'd flown to one of his out-of-town offices to let a co-worker know that he had feelings for her and he wanted to become better "friends." She's 13 years younger and a newlywed. She was eager to reciprocate, and they call one another "girlfriend" and "boyfriend." She also told him during this conversation that she had once been involved with a co-worker before which led to his divorce - an event which left her "crushed."
He is "very happy" with our marriage, which has been very active on an intimate level throughout our marriage and doesn't want our marriage to change. He calls this "additive," and says that our marriage is not threatened at all by this because he and I are best friends and share a heart. We have two children who are nearly 15 and 13/
I did not see this coming AT ALL, despite the fact that he claims that "for years" he's been saying that he would like to have "variety."
What followed was a crazy amount of texts and emails at all hours of the day. I cried for 8 weeks and lost 20 lbs. He told me that my reaction was driving him TO her, not to me, but reiterates again and again that our marriage is fine, that we're best friends, that he loves me, that he shares my heart.
They have been physical with one another, but have not had intercourse yet.
He's super concerned about his physical appearance these days, wants to have weekly dinners with his parents, so much of this has the hallmarks of a mid-life crisis....He didn't like hearing that. (I shouldn't have told him.) He also didn't like me telling him that he was having an emotional affair (at first) so after I told him the worst case scenario was if he got a disease or got her pregnant he thought I'd given him the green light to start kissing her (under no circumstances did I give him the green light for that).
It's been 7 weeks since they've seen one another, but he is headed to her office again this week. I'm beside myself.
Even though we aren't discussing divorce, is DivorceBusting a good resource for me? If not, does anyone have any good thoughts? I keep reading that I need to just wait this out (excruciating) and take care of myself and my kids.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
