AnotherStander, that is why I am a PE teacher rather than classroom teacher, it does sound better: "W, hope it is a great school year for you. The kids are lucky to get you as their fantastic teacher. HWA"
Yes, definitely no expectations at all. Don't expect an answer, if I get one, great.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Ok, just an update: Have received two texts within 24 hours. Haven't replied to the second text yet.
First text: "Hotwheelsaust, I have just found you are internet dating. How dare you write to me about how you will stand for you marriage and vows and try to make me feel like I have no values (? don't understand this one). I will be contacting my solicitor this week to check you have signed and returned the agreement. I will be paying you nothing (? again she never was to pay me anything) other than paying for the financial agreement.
I sent a text back validating her anger. With some explanation on why I did it and I have no communication with her for so long that I simply have no idea about anything to do with our marriage anymore. I asked if we could talk. I replied (2 x 4's) with a fair amount of I care and I love you's.
Second text: "Hotwheelsaust, I wasn't mad that you are internet dating as you are free to date and see anyone you want because we are separated. I was mad because you said you are standing for the marriage and vows. I know it is hard, lonely etc so I have no right to expect you not to date anyone. You don't seem to realise how bad things had become in our marriage and that it had become a form of abuse. I see a councilor and a pyshologist and im working through things with them. The thing you can do for me is sign and return the form to give me some financial freedom so I can make choices about where I may live next year. As it is now it puts me in limbo while you have the houses and assets and I don't have anything. Doing nothing just makes it harder on us both".
Ok, how to respond, if I should. Couple of things: Do I mention the standing and vows are still important? The abuse she is talking about would be the passive/aggressive attitude I had. The forms have been signed and should have been sent last week by the solicitor. She is talking about living somewhere different next year, big difference to staying for ever in the country. She is in limbo? The paperwork only arrived to me, just before Xmas.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Not sure how things work down under, I assume the "form" she's talking about is D-related? If so, have you been dragging your heels on it? If you have then I would quit trying to delay the inevitable, if you agree with the terms then sign it and send it back. Reply with something simple like "W, I signed and returned the form. I wish you the best." Then go back to being dark.
Wow...your W has given a great gift here with tons of information as to her thought process and view of the marriage.
This is hard sometimes having to think on your feet and feel that you have to respond fast to placate W's angry texts. Did they require an immediate response? No. It is good to sit back and gather your thoughts. Then COME here for some feedback on the appropriate responses.
Let's dissect W's texts to give you some greater understanding on W's POV.
"Hotwheelsaust, I have just found you are internet dating. How dare you write to me about how you will stand for you marriage and vows and try to make me feel like I have no values. I will be contacting my solicitor this week to check you have signed and returned the agreement. I will be paying you nothing other than paying for the financial agreement.
W is calling out on what she perceives to be hypocrisy on your part. 1) Telling her that you are standing for the marriage while you are signed up on an online dating site 2) Scolding her about the OW (this gets to her main point about values). You are judging her. How dare you? That is her main thrust.
As for the payment, it looks like she does not want to pay you "alimony" to you or have to split assets with you. She does not have any facts to back this up since there's been no analysis of what assets you owe, joint debt, etc.
"Hotwheelsaust, I wasn't mad that you are internet dating as you are free to date and see anyone you want because we are separated. I was mad because you said you are standing for the marriage and vows. I know it is hard, lonely etc so I have no right to expect you not to date anyone. You don't seem to realise how bad things had become in our marriage and that it had become a form of abuse. I see a councilor and a pyshologist and im working through things with them. The thing you can do for me is sign and return the form to give me some financial freedom so I can make choices about where I may live next year. As it is now it puts me in limbo while you have the houses and assets and I don't have anything. Doing nothing just makes it harder on us both".
Do you really hear what W is telling you here? She is expressing disappointment that you've let her down with your "expressed" commitment to stand by her and M with the internet dating thing. She's really watching your actions for consistency. And she's not seeing that. Remember my advice about actions and words being congruent? That is what you really need to focus on going forward in your interactions with W and sons.
W is telling you that she felts that she tried to tell you that the marriage was going into the crapper and she felt unheard so she felt that she had no choice but to walk away. She's in a world of hurt and pain right now.
Breaking away from you is something that she needs to do at the moment to heal. She's acting on her own emotions. Just let her be and allow her the time & space to process her feelings, thoughts, and emotions about you and the marriage.
As for the financials, you do need to protect yourself by discussing options with your lawyer that is fair and reasonable to you. I'd review the options first before having your lawyer present them to W and her L.
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HWA, you responded to the first text:
'I sent a text back validating her anger. With some explanation on why I did it and I have no communication with her for so long that I simply have no idea about anything to do with our marriage anymore. I asked if we could talk. I replied (2 x 4's) with a fair amount of I care and I love you's.'
Remember validating does not equate with pursuing. You came across as pursuing by throwing in ILYs and care about yous. And explaining "stuff" just does not help at all. Oftentimes it just muddies the waters further.
Here's what I would suggest in responding to W's texts:
"W, thank you for sharing your thoughts about the marriage. I know it cannot be easy for you at all and it took tremendous courage on your part to do this. Wow, I didn't realize that you thought the marriage was a form of "abuse" to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest with me. To be clear, I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way. Let me get back to you later today/tomorrow on the form. Have a good day. HWA"
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What 'form' is W referring to here? With this information, we can brainstorm ideas here on how to go forward on it.
AnotherStander and Wonka, thank you both for replying. I don't have much time to write a reply to all that has been said, but will give you the info about the "form".
The "form" is a paperwork called a binding financial agreement. It is issued by the solicitor of one party and is an agreement to how the assets are split. This will usually cost around $3 to $5 thousand dollars to be issued.
The W advised me way back in June she is doing this, but I did not get the actual paperwork until Mid December.
I have not held off delaying it at any time. The first time I could see my solicitor to have it signed was the 16th Jan, which I advised the W. It was signed that day, the solicitor does a standard letter and sends it off to the W's solicitor. That's it.
I have done everything the W has asked for. I have not held up or delayed any paperwork that was required of me. I have not fought or complained about any of the splitting of assets. I have not demanded money from the W. (So I didn't understand the first text where she mentioned she won't be paying me nothing). All I have done is agreed to what she wanted as part of the splitting of assets, which was very little. She did not want either houses, the new car, furniture, white goods, electrical......nothing.
I will reply later to the other things. Thanks again.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Wonka no I haven't replied yet. I will be working on the reply tonight and posting it up her for approval.
Also Wonka, with this latest development, do I still send the text that we talked about last week? It was due to go in about 4 days time.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I think it is more important to respond to W's most recent texts. As for the wishing her a good school year, I'd shelf that for the time being. W needs to feel heard at the moment with her feelings.
Wonka, this is the reply I was looking at sending. Part of your example and part Fartiltre example.
"W, thank you for sharing your thoughts about the marriage. I know it cannot be easy for you at all and it took tremendous courage on your part to do this. I didn't realize that you thought the marriage was a form of "abuse" to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest with me. To be clear, I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way. I did sign the papers with my solicitor on the 16th Jan. They should have been mailed to you. If that is not the case then please let me know and I will look into this. I hope this will help you out of the limbo because nobody wants to be there. HWA
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
This is good. The last part is a nonstarter. Original: I did sign the papers with my solicitor on the 16th Jan. They should have been mailed to you. If that is not the case then please let me know and I will look into this. I hope this will help you out of the limbo because nobody wants to be there. HWA
Revision: The papers were signed on January 16th with the solicitor and sent out. HWA
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Say nothing about limbo as it is W's view and she needs to own her emotions.
