Hmmmmm... And sometimes in lesbian land (lifetime resident here ), a band is just a cool ring. I've got one... it spins! But if it was a Wedding video... I give. Otherwise, I might still be starry-eyed for the "alternate" ending. Director's cut if course!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Wonka, I just happened upon this about 40 minutes ago, so first of all, a belated Happy Birthday to you! But I must tell you I think I learned more valuable information about MLCers in those 40 minutes then in the 3 months I have been on this site trying to dissect/glean this knowledge from others. However, it doesn't replace the valuable experience of 'meeting' the people I have corresponded and commisserated with who are unfortunately in this situation as well.
From all of us, a huge THANK YOU for providing this question and answer forum. I, too, look forward to all the insight I hope you can provide us in the near future. So keep it up! This should be saved somewhere on this site as a GREAT source of information and comfort for those LBS's who need to understand how much it really isn't about or because of us.
So thank you for helping me gain more clarity and compassion for what my H is going through even though he will be filing for D any day now.
Here's a question - does 'pride' factor into an MLCer not returning to their spouse even if they think they might be making a mistake by divorcing?
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
That is a really good question T-Boned. I am really curious about that too.
About 4 nights ago mine lashed out a little and said: "WHAT? Do you WANT me to be wrong (about the OW)? You KNOW me! I would rather DIE than be wrong about anything!" (Yes, it was that dramatic)
And here it is 4 days later and we had an R chat in the kitchen and played computer games together today. It really is remarkable how he seems to be finding a lot more clarity recently, BUT there is that lingering sense that he is having a hard time coming to grips with the idea that he could have made such a big "mistake."
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Here's a question - does 'pride' factor into an MLCer not returning to their spouse even if they think they might be making a mistake by divorcing?
I would say in a lot of cases, yes, very much it has a role. My slowly clarifying mlc'er has said as much. And as a guy, I KNOW for the old me, oh hell yes. Big time.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Pride for many MLCers appears to be HUGE. They are not going to admit mistakes.
Quite reasonably the other partner (aka LBS) wants an acknowledgement of pretty dreadful behaviour, and I think it is healthy to do so.
MLCers are damaged people with little 'flexibility' in their make-up - often demanding or perfectionist parents prevented them from being allowed to make mistakes and learn from them in a healthy way, so they have internalised big time, 'Do not make a mistake' So they have even greater difficulty than the rest of us in acknowledging they might have screwed up, and let's face it, it isn't easy even when you are operating from a full deck.
Thanks for the good insight. Ya, my guy is a stubborn Scotsman to begin with, plus he gets to manage a bunch of 12, 13 and 14 yr olds all day. So he thinks he's pretty much right all the time. Hard to get him to consider he may NOT be right sometimes when dealing with adults.
Sorry, Wonka, for having hijacked a little. What is your take on this?
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
[quote]AJ, I think you're the one that has come the closest to a pretty "accurate" assessment of the MLCer thought process here. Pretty bang on.
that worries me more than you know, Wonka
Sure, coming from someone who wants a red Ferrari and bedding 20-year olds!!
BTW, it would have been PotBowl if the game was played in either Washington state or Colorado. Alas...NYC will be crawling with cops coming out from its wazoo!
Heather:In the day in the life of MLC-Wonk, did you pretty much remain stuck and rigidly convinced you were doing right or did moments of lucidity creep in daily?
Hmmm...this is interesting. Need to be careful how I word my response here. As for the stuck part, I would characterize my internal process as struggling and drowning. Not sure about feeling stuck or remaining stuck. I mean...the fog lifted from my head and I achieved relative clarity. In your case, it seems much more complicated with Smokey having some ongoing addictions that may have hampered his progress...you know him best.
Upon reflection, I am not sure about lucidity creeping in on a daily basis. In fact, my mind was very much muddled during the crisis. Yet, I was able to go through motions every day. It is pretty much a survival instinct for me in getting through each day.
In regard to the concept of "being convinced that I was doing right"...again, my grasp of "right" and "wrong" was very loosey goosey during my crisis as I had my own OW. To be clear, we are not talking about following the laws of the land here. But rather how our empathy chips are broken and we just don't have the full "awareness" of what's going on inside. Which is why we say and do stupid and far fetched things to you. Again, our neutrons are misfiring in all directions.
And, did you ever feel resigned to your new life-even though the pain didn't go away like you thought it would-like there was simply no way back considering how much hurt had been done to Ms. Wonka?
Um, I am pretty sure that I didn't feel resigned to my 'new' life. However, I sure as heck didn't like what was happening to me and I wanted to RUN AWAY from every thing as FAR AS POSSIBLE. I did feel enormous pressure with responsibilities after purchasing a new house with Ms. Wonka mixed along with a sense of being let down from the "fairytale."
During the crisis, I saw Ms. Wonka as a beacon shining brightly from the lighthouse and I was comforted with her presence just knowing that she was "there" for me to turn to even if I had withdrawn from her and life in general. Deep, deep inside of me I still loved Ms. Wonka. Emotionally, mentally I wasn't in a position to "give" that to her as I was very, very numb inside. For me, I'd like to think that at some level, I'd find a way to Ms. Wonka somehow. We'll never know the answer now, right.
T-boned: Welcome! You can wander around this FUN house at your own peril!
Here's a question - does 'pride' factor into an MLCer not returning to their spouse even if they think they might be making a mistake by divorcing?
From my point of view, it is influenced by several factors such as how much involved in the OW/OM is the MLCer in, their general personality characteristics prior to MLC, and how far along they are in the MLC. A lot of variables indeed! For me, I ask myself frequently if my R with the OW had become a full-blown PA, would I feel that it would be too much for me to "climb down" and return to Ms. Wonka knowing that I ran off with the OW and possibly lived with her. I cannot answer this fully because this experience never happened in my case.
Although I generally agree that we do have some pride at some level. In my view, it is more of paranoia than pride for the MLCer that is more predominant. Again, it depends on the make-up of the individual MLCer. Which is why I emphasize often that while there are some general commonalities across the MLC spectrum, we cannot allow ourselves to paint them with the same broad paintbrush.
TL:About 4 nights ago mine lashed out a little and said: "WHAT? Do you WANT me to be wrong (about the OW)? You KNOW me! I would rather DIE than be wrong about anything!" (Yes, it was that dramatic)
Wow. He is very much dug in and invested in his own position. That, to me, is being stuck with that particular POV and having his empathy chip broken.
T: You too? Drinking from the pride koolaid, ugh?
Bea:MLCers are damaged people with little 'flexibility' in their make-up - often demanding or perfectionist parents prevented them from being allowed to make mistakes and learn from them in a healthy way, so they have internalised big time, 'Do not make a mistake' So they have even greater difficulty than the rest of us in acknowledging they might have screwed up, and let's face it, it isn't easy even when you are operating from a full deck.
Not all of them. It does seem to appear in most cases. You've raised some good arguments on this point.
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Folks, please hijack away! This is our community thread and a resource center to learn more about the MLC "disease." I don't own this thread.
Heather and RT, you are mushy myopic, hopeless, starry-eyed romantics. What am I gonna do with the likes of you???!! Ayep, Ms. Wonka is MARRIED. How much more affirmative can I be here? Ms. Wonka is way, way back in the rearview mirror. Plus I have my hot girl, Cass.
Wonka, You never know what the future may hold. I've seen many MLC breakups and remarriages take place and lo and behold, many years later the original spouses are back together and happy as can be...so, Mrs. Wonka may have remarried...but that doesn't mean a thing in today's society when it comes to dealing w/MLC.
No, I'm not a romantic...but pointing out that we can never rule out what destiny has in store for us.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
), a band is just a cool ring. I've got one... it spins! But if it was a Wedding video... I give. Otherwise, I might still be starry-eyed for the "alternate" ending. Director's cut if course!
