Hello hotwheel, I am new in this forum but well I can read your history and maybe help you out a little.
Relationships could be very complicated or easy going, its like work, there are always things that we have to improve... But at the same time we have to be honest with ourselves and love ourselves, you have to love you right now.
It seems that you have lost all the self confidence that you had once in yourself and you are taking ABUSE from the family of your wife, and you know why they are treating you like that? Because you are the first one who is doing that to yourself.
Be gentle and accept the situation, your W has accepted her xexual orientation and you CANT change that and its not something that she might be confuse about it, and if she is only time will tell, now you are distracted and not focus, you cant see that your kids are more important just because the selfish vision that comes up everytime that we split with somebdody is blocking you....
Time to move on and think, ok she is gay and probably all the time she was in relationships with men it was really hard and made her suffer a lot. So congratulate her and help her by letting go, this is not an affair its a sexual orientation and she is not gonna change that. Its not like you like the Yankees and suddenly things change and you like other team, this is more deep, she was probably playing a role...going to church, getting married and having kids to make everybody believe that is what she wanted, she is the one who soffered here for probably a long time.
In the same way its not your responsibility or your fault, go ahead and answer her text messages you don't need anymore 180 here, you just need to heal and start taking care of yourself, probably soon you will be able to start with somebody else, and cut contact with her family, at the end this problem is your problem and her problem, nobody else.
you can do that, your situation even if you don't see it now its pretty easy, so just be gentle again with yourself and show empathy for what she probably soffered all this years, maybe that conversation with her will be the one who lead you to a heal, take her for a coffee and ask her how it was her childhood if she knew she was gay years ago and how she was able to deal with that, have a good journey my friend.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Thanks AS, I have to act and think very carefully when it involves my sons. Both are quite fragile with emotions, and I think they are hearing so much from the family. So definitely don't need to hear anything more from me. As was said earlier by Flyonthewall, if they want answers, then they will eventually ask. I just finished a book I picked up at the library a few weeks ago: Parents who cheat by Ana Nogales. It was very enlightening about what the sons are going through. It talks about ways the kids not take sides, but deal with both parties. It also talks about how any marriage break-up affects all the kids, no matter what age they are.
ye21, thank you for joining in and having something to say. It is appreciated. You are right about the self confidence, it has gone. With so many people who were important to me, over the last 15 months constantly putting me down and continually telling me I am not doing anything right. It does simply get to you. It does make you feel, you cannot say or doing anything right. I would like the chance to show empathy to the W, but at this time in life, I don't think she is prepared or wants to spend any time together, to allow that. It is a guilt trip for her, and that is why we have had very little conversation and face to face time. She is feeling very guilty about it all. I am trying to find that happy place where I can move on, but without the loss of hope or love for the W. Hopefully I will find it one day.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Mmmmm. My brother is having an ILYBIDLY moment with his defacto off over 17 years. Well the W wrote something on his Facebook page "there are people out there who love you, just remember that!". Very strange behaviour considering she hasn't spoken to my brother since before BD and certainly never written anything on his Facebook page before.
No mindreading, just thought I would add this to my timeline.
Though a little birdie did tell me the W isn't having the best of times at the moment with the OW.
Did someone say WAS script?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Yes. Emotions and thoughts will fluctuate with the WAS. Which is why MWD emphasizes in DR to "believe none of what they say, but look to their actions." I think you're starting to get DBing and understanding the underlying principles in the DR book. A slow learner, but you're doing mighty fine!
I'm thinking, sitting from my own perch, that W is probably feeling sadness over missing out on family. So she's indirectly reaching out to you via BIL. Take this as a good sign on W's thawing out. In due course, she will reconnect with the family. It is just that you're on her timeline. Sloweee.
Keep your focus on your boys...it takes a while to earn their trust with consistent actions. Have you thought about doing some fun, joint activities with them like going out for a hike. This provides excellent bonding time for you guys. Whatcha think?
Wonka, thank you for the kind words. Normally I am a person who once interested in a subject goes full on about that item. I will buy lots of books, read up on the Internet and spend a lot of time being involved in it. With DB I did the same, but the outcome or timeline, as you said, is so much slower, and I mess it up. So when I have to wait at least 48 hours to reply to the W, I struggle with it, wanting to reply asap. But I am getting there. I am learning to wait and take my time.
I do try things with the boys, offer some outings, but should offer some better choices. Will see what can be done. The only hard thing is youngest son works shift over the week, and is given his times/roster with only a few days notice. So very hard to plan any future activity.
As per our talk a week or so ago. I will still text the W this coming Tuesday, being her first day back at school. I was going to text something along the lines of:
"W, hope it is a great school year for you. Wishing you a class of beautiful children, if not, then I am sure you will make them into a beautiful class. HWA. "
Good/bad?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
As for the text, make it focus on W and boost her a bit. The key in initiating texts with W the first few times is to keep them short. In my case with Ms. Wonka, my texts were very short and to the point. Now, after some time had passed, our texts are a bit longer and more jovial.
If I were you, I'd rework the text a bit more. You might want to say something about being an awesome teacher. There's no guarantee that they'll be "beautiful children"...they may be a rowdy bunch this year. In DBing, it is all about the spouse...make it the focus. Let's face it...we all like WOA from time to time, right?
Get it Wonka. So focus on W and boost her up more:
"W, hope it is a great school year for you. The lucky kids to get you as their fantastic teacher. HWA"
OR
"W, hope you have a fantastic school year. You are a wonderful teacher and I am sure your kids will appreciate so much of you. HWA"
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Thank you Wonka, I will send that next Tuesday the first day of school, or possibly Monday night so she can see it without the first day stress.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I think both sound good HWA, although I think there's a grammar slip in the first:
"The lucky kids to get you as their fantastic teacher."
Maybe you meant "The kids are lucky to..."?
Just remember when you send it- NO EXPECTATIONS!!! It may get no response at all and you've got to be OK with that. Send it expecting no response, do it because it's what YOU want to do. Then if it does get a response, cool. If it doesn't, no biggie.
