"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ you are right, I'm warming a bit proportional to her warming, and actions... and letting down the guard a bit.
Not much new to update on sitch. Glacially thawing and warming. Feels like regular ol' pre-mlc SAD with her these days for the most part. Her job has been a godsend, getting her some learning in the big world.
The other day she was telling me about a work situation, and she was having big issues with co-worker, and she said, "I have to stop reacting like a spoiled little girl about things...grrr"...My Vulcan right eye-brow went up and I thought "Fascinating..."
So yeah, thus it goes...
I was telling a friend today that I feel like Lester at the end of "American Beauty" where he is happy, good and content, finally. Hope someone doesn't put a bullet in the back of my head once I finally got peace...lol!
Have a great weekend all!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I was telling a friend today that I feel like Lester at the end of "American Beauty" where he is happy, good and content, finally. Hope someone doesn't put a bullet in the back of my head once I finally got peace...lol!
I guess you know what that means...if some dude makes a pass at you, you say yes. Yes, sir!!
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Saturday morning I carpet bombed W with truth darts and gave her back my ring, told her I wasn't going to bomb drop her, so here was warning that I am close to done, but I AM done with being plan B.
I woke up that morning and there it was, "almost done".
I don't know what the fall out will be, but I am okay with whatever happens.
W had to work. But she did apologize to me for all she has done before heading off to work. She said she wanted to call in and stay home and talk, but they are shorthanded...of course I understand, I said.
This was triggered Friday night when I noticed some of her most used books were boxed up. Now, she has been doing a lot of de-cluttering, sorting and donating of her "stuff" and clothes. But these books, these are used by her all the time. There had been a wondering if she was really donating all of the stuff, or was taking some of her stuff out, little by little. I had been giving her the benefit of the doubt, but that box of particular books...
Then there was a note with several current to do items, and, "find True Love".
When she called me at work, I asked about the particular box of books, since I noticed some I wanted to keep and not have donated, and that I was surprised she was donating those particular books, since she uses them so much...dead silence for maybe 2 minutes.
Then:
W--"why were you looking in the boxes" T--"I had noticed in some other ones books I might want, so I was checking all the boxes. I am surprised you would donate those books, I mean the astro book has be a staple of yours for like 10-15 years" W--"I am not donating those, but going to put in the garage, I am trying to sort and de-clutter......."
and then she changed the subject, then had to get off the phone.
So I brooded some on that Friday night and Saturday morning when I woke up, I was there. Time to say a few things, status-quo was not working for me. I did stop myself 3 times, re-considering, but it just felt like the right time so I said "F-it, this is stupid, I am done":
Things I touched on, in no particular order:
-There can't be any other people in our M. -If she is searching for "True Love", then she isnt trying here. True love is inside herself and right in front of her with me and the kids. -I asked her if she was pursuing any type of R with other men, romantic or sexual or ? Denied. And I really dont know if she is or not. -I said if she is, I am done, she can leave promptly. -99% of men would have left or kicked her out through this. And who is still here? Any of them? No. This guy... THIS kind, integrated man. -That I loved her, wanted her, wanted to be M to her, but I no longer need her. And I am not going to bomb drop her, that this is letting her know I am close to being done. -This is an example of M that I dont think the kids should see any longer. -The kids, me, and yes, her, need limbo to end and pull the damn band-aid off. We all need to move forward, with or without her. -This is not fair to them any longer. -I apologized for those years of drinking too much, again, and that maybe she felt abandoned, because even though I was physically there, and not mean or abusive, I wasnt mentally all there after 3-6 beers. That it was just WRONG. Hopefully she heard it this time. -That I was grateful for her MLC, because of who I have become, and I might not have if it never happened. -I can forgive because I understand the psychological drivers behind her behaviors, when I understand, I forgive. -I am tired of not being able to be my true, full self in my own home, because i cannot express my feelings, or touch, or hug. -I know and accept she couldnt help it (have MLC). That the woman I know inside her would never intentionally do all this. -I am tired of being quasimodo with kooties, 2.5 years is a long time with no touches or hugs, much less sex. -I am tired of being treated the way I am. -I am not okay with this status-quo anymore. -It's still up to her, for a while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After work Saturday:
W wanted to talk a wee bit, she said this is all so hard for her. I did get to say my only 2 requirementss atm...PT, touches, hugs, I dont expect s3x. And no OM pursuing. Done with the OM seeking. She can't be "here" if she is putting energy into "there".
She did start to cry, I told her I wanted to give her a hug, she said I could and just hung on, crying (and I did NOT do no patty-pat hug, lol).
She went to her girl friends house, gave me the phone number, said maybe/probably she'll spend the night and go right to work from there.
She did leave me a phone number, which she did NOT have to do since she has a mobile... Made sure I saw it.
And her ring is still on.
After work Sunday, and she did spend the night a GF's place:
W came to me in man cave and showed me pics of GF's dogs and told me what all she did there.
She talked at me a while about where she is at, that she is so overwhelmed, and feeling guilty about a lot of stuff (HER spending, etc). And not being able to forgive herself (no mention of exactly what, and I didnt pry). She is going to see IC this week to work on how to forgive herself....I just let her get it out, validating, etc.
And then she initiated a hug.
Afterwards I got awkward and flustered and mis-grabbed my water, spilling...sheesh!
Sauve-not-so-much. LOL!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Journalling...
I am okay if she leaves. Seriously, my life matters too, and so do the kids' lives. I have a lot going on in life, good things, positive things. Things requiring a lot of work, for a big possible reward for me, the kids, her...if she is here. And when you are in-house with your MLC'er/WAS, there is that anchor drag. I do not want to spend much more time having to work around that drag in the 20% of my life that is still shared. The kids have told me that the sitch is stressful to them as well. I showed standing to the kids with CHD, maybe I will have to show them letting go with CHD.
If she is/was starting another cycle of the same and looking for different results, that says what? And what does say about me, if I do the same?
And there is a long, long history of her doing this, even pre-mlc, to be honest. Works on herself, tries some new miracle cure, magic potion, for a while, then gives up and starts the cycle all over again. Never resolving things, staying stuck unless distracted by something (like raising kids).
So if she is looking "out there", again, knowing that she has to look inside (and she has said she knows this), if she isn't going to do the internal work, then I need to let her go. I need to leave the R.
I said things I have held inside a long time. It's been a year since the EA/PA situation blew up on her, hoping enough of that drug is out of her system. I said my peace/piece.
My behavior from here will be the same, caring, "Aloof, yet 100% Available if sought", fun, well...just me.
There are basically 2 paths from this juncture.
And I am calm, peaceful, clear. Right as Rain.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Throwing truth darts never hurt anything. You need to say those things so be it! Sometimes we can only stuff things in for so long until we erupt. I am glad you spoke up to your W. We'll see how W acts in the next few weeks.
I am wondering if those books in the boxes were a part of W's replay behaviors? That she's starting to jettison them? What do you think?
And when you are in-house with your MLC'er/WAS, there is that anchor drag. I do not want to spend much more time having to work around that drag in the 20% of my life that is still shared. The kids have told me that the sitch is stressful to them as well. I showed standing to the kids with CHD, maybe I will have to show them letting go with CHD.
T, you are such a good man. Such a good, good man.
And, I so get what you wrote above. There was this invisible wall when my H lived here. IT was this mountain that I couldn't seem to get past in order to really take joy and live freely as the person I really am. There was an heaviness, a fog that traveled with him and filled the room, the house. You deserve some crystal clear mountain air with room to breathe and be the fabulous YOU that you've worked so hard to become.
Take it easy friend.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yes, a lot of those books were bought during the "spending" and "replay" phase(s), and the other stuff she is clearing out.
I can see that, completely. And that has been my benefit of the doubt stance. But the mix of that particular box and it's contents, the "find true love" on the agenda list and her drop dead silence when I asked about the box triggered me, and got me thinking about what is my reality, at this moment. And putting pieces from all of our past into a possible pattern.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
