Me 15 months on - standing - detaching

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks planet, it is just hard to work out where I want to be at this stage in time.

[swoop]

Wish I had something to add here HWA, but I am so fed up with my own WAW and her family, I can't see straight. I guess I can say that I empathize with you. What some people consider a rational perspective amazes me. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks suckerpunch, but it helps me put a better perspective on things. Sometimes we think we are the only ones this happens to, but in reality there are many of us, some worse, some better, some the same. It doesn't make a difference, we are all hurting in our own ways. My empathy goes to you also suckerpunch.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,
Remember I am not a VET – you need them on this matter, BUT…
I would really consider standing up for ME - if I were you in this case.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this right now.

First the friend and SIL and now MIL putting you down this way.
To me all of this sounds (and now I am mindreading/guessing) like the family has decided that you have mistreated W in the splitting of assets and that you are the one to blame for W feeling bad about some issues. She is standing up for her daughter and she came by to make you give in to something W has told her. It seems like there is a “different truth” out there!

That’s what it is….

BUT if your sons are seeing you as/are being told that you are one selfish B and if sons are a part of these talks in the rest of the family then I would consider putting the truth out there. (And that is how I understood you in our talks.)

What I have understood is:
- You have given W this D the way she wanted it.
- You have paid W money and that way you kept the houses.
- The split was done fair according to attorneys, you and W
- Ws and her attorney made the outline for the agreement and you have accepted that
- You see this splitting of assets as fair (do you?) – did W get her fair share?

This is now turned around to you being selfish and that you mistreated W during the splitting of assets

If the above is how you feel about all of this, then I would consider having a talk with W about the things that are said about you. I would consider saying “enough is enough” and tell her to get the truth out there NOW and if she doesn’t then I would also consider having a talk with sons about this.

I would consider telling W that I would have a talk with the sons about the timeline in this, how it all have been done – all of the practical’s and ONLY the practical’s – and I would tell her that I would love to have the talk with her first and that she is more than welcome to join you and sons when this is done.

I would set a clear boundary on this matter! W, Do NOT lie about me to my sons! That goes for you and for the rest of your family!

I believe it will make the gap between you on one side and W and IL on the other bigger but if they are putting you down in front of your sons I wouldn’t care one bit – these are your sons and IMHO that is what matters right now.

I (and that’s only me) believe I would be able to cope with the IL talking me down but if this came to my children being told lies about me and how I handled this – I would get furious and I understand why you “lost it”

HWA, do NOT storm out and do this now! Get the VETs onboard in this because the above could be totally wrong – apply MUCH time before you do ANYTHING because once done…..

(You have always had a tendency of reacting very quickly – do NOT do that this time! Take your time to digest this! DO NOT REACT BEFORE YOU ARE ABSOLUTE SURE AND HAVE ALL THE ADVICE YOU CAN GET!!!)

…and do remember that everything you say is “public” – so keep the talk about this in here until you are absolutely sure about what you want to do about it.

Please correct me if I have misinterpreted anything!!

I also stumbled on the “W is not in a R with OW”. I wouldn’t put anything into this right now. You have the words from SIL and friend to lean on here. It might be hard for MIL to accept that W is in R with OW – and the way all of this sounds the family might be picking the pieces they like and blaming you for the rest!

She asked "well what would you say if W wanted to change things now?". I answered back that would be between W and I.

IMHO: Perfect answer!


F

[hotwheelsaust]

HWA,
To me all of this sounds (and now I am mindreading/guessing) like the family has decided that you have mistreated W in the splitting of assets and that you are the one to blame for W feeling bad about some issues.

F, yes I have accepted that the family/friend feel that somehow I have mistreated the W in the splitting of assets. All I have done is agreed to what she wanted. But having the MIL tell me I should have offered more is bordering on the ridiculous.

BUT if your sons are seeing you as/are being told that you are one selfish B and if sons are a part of these talks in the rest of the family then I would consider putting the truth out there. (And that is how I understood you in our talks.)
And this is where I need help. How do I discuss this in a way that is not overbearing to them. Remember I have been told that they don't even like discussing anything about this sitch, and they certainly don't ask me anything.

What I have understood is:
- You have given W this D the way she wanted it.
Not yet divorced, but I have allowed the W to initiate everything at her pace and request. All I have done is agreed to it or answered her solicitor.
- You have paid W money and that way you kept the houses.
As part of the agreement, once signed by the W, I will be paying out the W for the houses.
- The split was done fair according to attorneys, you and W
Only the W had the attorney/solicitor. I only got a solicitor to check over the legal paperwork before signing.
- Ws and her attorney made the outline for the agreement and you have accepted that
Yes that is correct.
- You see this splitting of assets as fair (do you?) – did W get her fair share?
No I didn't think it was fair, I have been very vocal with ex friend for many months before the ignoring, and also on this forum, stating that I was worried that the W wasn't being fair to herself in the split. That I was coming out smelling like roses. Again though, all I did was agree to what she wanted.

This is now turned around to you being selfish and that you mistreated W during the splitting of assets
Yes. Including the MIL saying that I should have also shared the W's cost for the solicitor (hers) and to pay for the binding financial agreement (again the W's doing). Again funny how the MIL didn't mention anything about the W being selfish and not paying any mortgages, insurances and registrations for the last 15 months.

If the above is how you feel about all of this, then I would consider having a talk with W about the things that are said about you. I would consider saying “enough is enough” and tell her to get the truth out there NOW and if she doesn’t then I would also consider having a talk with sons about this.
As much as I want to blame the W, this could still be just the MIL making assumptions. If I contact the W stating this, then I worry that she could make last minute changes to the paperwork that would cost me more money.


I (and that’s only me) believe I would be able to cope with the IL talking me down but if this came to my children being told lies about me and how I handled this – I would get furious and I understand why you “lost it”
Again I cannot prove that MIL is telling the truth or just making it sound worse by stating the sons feel that I am selfish.

HWA, do NOT storm out and do this now! Get the VETs onboard in this because the above could be totally wrong – apply MUCH time before you do ANYTHING because once done…..

(You have always had a tendency of reacting very quickly – do NOT do that this time! Take your time to digest this! DO NOT REACT BEFORE YOU ARE ABSOLUTE SURE AND HAVE ALL THE ADVICE YOU CAN GET!!!)

Yes I have in the past acted too quickly. This time I got angry, controlled it, wrote to the forums for help and am prepared to sit back and wait for replies on how to move forward, whatever way that is.

She asked "well what would you say if W wanted to change things now?". I answered back that would be between W and I.

IMHO: Perfect answer!
Thank you, I do get some things right occasionally.

F

[hotwheelsaust]

Laurie: no reply from the W after 3 days with regards to the thank you text. Depending on what or whether the MIL speaks to her, maybe I won't get anymore texts.

[hotwheelsaust]

So my question, especially to the vets. How do I deal with that attitude of being selfish over the splitting of assets (according to MIL) with regards to my sons and the MIL belief that they think I am selfish as well?
1. Do I ignore the MIL and wait for if/when the sons might ask me about the splitting of assets?
2. Do I actually ask them what they think? How should I put that question to them? And this is where I need help. How do I discuss this in a way that is not overbearing to them. Remember I have been told that they don't even like discussing anything about this sitch, and they certainly don't ask me anything.
3. Do I speak to the W and ask why the MIL and maybe sons feel this way, when all I have done is agree to what she wants/wanted?
4. Continue on my path of trying to improve and say nothing to no one?

ps: I did just text the sons saying I hope they had a great weekend and both replied positively.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Hot, this is NO ONE's business but you and your W's. Plz don't give in to be nice. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and yours sons' futures. It doesn't matter if they don't understand right now, they will.

If they have questions, then answer them, if they don't then they probably don't need the details anyways. There is no such thing as playing nice in a divorce, in fact, they're playing dirty already by saying the things they're saying.

Separate emotions from this or else. This a business transaction. Would you go buy a car and give the salesman all he was asking for in the process? Why would you give your rights away now. If you think your already giving away to much, then you are, period.

I've seen this first hand, place nice, and you'll regret it down the road. They don't care if your nice right now, they just want MORE. No matter what your starting point is, they'll ask for even more. Come to terms with this fast, or you'll be paying a lot longer than you think you will.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Flyonthewall, but I am ok with the business side of things. I have/am buying the houses from the W solely for my and sons future (something we both had planned). I won't be giving in to be nice to her.
Yes, they are playing dirty. They are the ones who are saying nasty things, doing nasty things and not caring about the circumstances.
So I will repeat this: I was nice and agreed to what the W wanted. Yes I was very lucky, she wanted very little (her choice). But that does not mean that if she had her solicitor draw up another legal document wanting more, that I would roll over and have my tongue fall out.
If anything, I cannot do anything more at this stage. I have signed the documents based on what the W wanted (very little) and all she needs to do is sign them herself. End of story. It will only change if she wants to redo the legal documents. In all honesty I don't expect it, because she wants it over with asap. She also isn't listening to her family, so whatever MIL says will go in one ear and out the other.

My main focus is dealing with my boys, especially in the wake of the MIL saying that they think I am selfish.

If they have questions, then answer them, if they don't then they probably don't need the details anyways.

That is kind of how I have been acting for quite a few months, and agree that it is a good way to continue.

[AnotherStander]

So my question, especially to the vets. How do I deal with that attitude of being selfish over the splitting of assets (according to MIL) with regards to my sons and the MIL belief that they think I am selfish as well?

I wouldn't say anything to your S's about it, I doubt they share your MIL's misguided opinion of you. Just continue to show your S's through your actions who you really are.

I think your explanation to MIL was good, and I do not think her comments deserved validation. I think you did everything just fine- you kept your cool, explained your side and showed her the door. That's about all you can do!