So you wanna play with magic

[Whiterose]

Thank you Job....I am suspicious actually (surprised for sure....was nice to be talked to like a human) but I also think it's just this time and he'll be rude again in 5 minutes. I'm sure he knows that I know about the L (mine was the last to respond) but I understand you're train of thought. I was polite but "cold" on the phone....does that make sense? Not chatty just allowed him to talk and gave him one syllable answers

I don't think there's much I can say to deter H from calling here and as long as I tell S14 (I say "your dad called") and leave it at that.

We're doing OK. Hopefully, the sun starts to shine soon and that will help to lift my spirits....its been grey and rainy here for over a week

[kml]

I know you really want them to have a relationship...but your son is old enough to determine whether he wants to deal w/his father or not.

Well....I kinda disagree with this. I think you want to do what you can to preserve some kind of relationship between them, because the burden of having a parent you don't speak to is a detriment to your son.

My ex was a teen when his parents divorced. He and his brothers sided with their LBS father and cut their mom out of their lives. The father encouraged this behavior. Ten years later I encouraged my H to have some contact with his mom, and they have a nice relationship now. One brother finally contacted her in his 40's. The other brother is in his 50's now and hasn't spoken to his mother for over 30 years. The burden on him and his children is much greater. (Incidentally, my ex's mom was a WAS, but to be fair, my ex-FIL was a very very difficult man to be married to. From the outside, I'd say 50:50 responsibility for the demise of that marriage.)

[Whiterose]

I can completely understand what you're both saying and agree, in part, with you both. I don't discourage encounters with their dad, when H calls I pass along the message, every once in a while I'll ask if they've spoken to their dad recently but do not force the situation. Both boys need to do what feels right to them and H, as the parent, needs to figure out his new role all by himself.

When S14 woke up I said "your dad called" "why?" "To talk to you" and left it at that. When S19 got up he said "dad wants to go out tonight but we're waiting to see if S14 want at o come" I said I knew and that I had told S14 dad had called. S19 called out to S14 (to ask him) and I stopped him and said "your brother knows your dad called. It's up to him to respond. Don't get involved". S19 has a way of doing that and H relies on it. Not sure what will happen but it's up to everyone to make their own decision.

Honestly, H did this to them, and H is the only one that can undo this for them. And by undo I mean work to build a relationship with his boys not meaning he has to come back to me.

[kml]

Well, I'm not sure why you wouldn't either tell S14 that his dad wanted to invite him out tonight, or let S19 pass that information on - frankly, it seems a little passive-aggressive on your part.

[Whiterose]

H uses S19 to pass along info to S14 when S14 won't talk to him.....it's not S19's job to relay messages. I told S14 his dad called to talk to him, again, what his dad wants to talk to him about is between them. I have been caught in the crossfire one too many times when trying to relay a message that I say what is needed and allow them to go from there

[Whiterose]

All H had time for the boys was 2 hours 15 minutes......had them home at 6:15. Took them for dinner and since there was nothing for them to do he brought them home......hasn't seen them since christmas.

He took them to dinner probably about 10-15 minutes from his place. Why didn't. He just get some ice cream and bring them back there......is he really scared that they'll know where he lives?

[LoisB]

Hey White,

As a child of divorce, I just want to say I think you handled this beautifully.

My sister was the one who took the brunt of my dad's irresponsibility. He would convey "messages" to her to pass onto me because I wanted nothing to do with him. It was really unfair to my sis. She was just a kid and didn't need the pressure, on top of everything else she was dealing with, to repair my broken relationship with my dad. That was my dad's job.

My dad, like a lot of the men I read about on this board, seem adept at passing the buck--even to their kids.

I really admire how strong and savvy you are when it comes to your H passing the buck. I love how you simply don't allow him to delegate his responsibilities-at least as much as you are able in this crazy situation.

Hang in,

Heather

[Whiterose]

Thank you Heather, I appreciate so much you sharing that with me. I have been thinking about this more, as I do want to learn, and I can see that me passing along the message about dinner is hard for H to twist against me and I'm just ultra quiet now based on past experiences. Linda did mention that I did pass along H's message, "can you let him know I called", just as requested.....I guess it's how we all just see it and, in my case, react to it. I also, while thinking about, don't like the idea that S14 only talks to dad if there's something in it for him, like a dinner, that rubs me the wrong way about S14. It turned out that S14 asked his brother why dad called, he responded to go for dinner, so S14 allowed his dad to talk to him.....I'm going to have to address that. That's not cool to do with anyone. I also explained to S19 that both his dad and his brother are using him to garner info and he needs to not do that....a simple dad wants to talk to you.....is fine and allow them to figure it out.

[Whiterose]

It's been almost two weeks without a text but I got one today. My hot water tank needs replacing, because that's the way it is LOL, and I've been dealing with that since yesterday. (We have water and nothing has exploded, thankfully, but, it is leaking so I need to get it done ASAP).
S19 went to work this AM and then messaged me that H has ANOTHER "new" car.....we've now gone from the original Honda Element that we bought Nov 2012 from my friend (still owes $4000 on it) then traded that with his BIL for the F350 "dream" truck and now he's driving a civic. OMG, seriously?!?!? he changes cars like people do underwear! This has been an ongoing saga for us....every few years he wants a new vehicle and then I have to be "bad" cop saying it's not necessary.

After H left S I he messaged me
Hi WhiteRose I was just talking to S19 and he was telling mea bout the hot water tank. I can't remember what year we bought it but I'm pretty sire we bought one with a 9 year warranty the receipt should be in the house file
(he's referring to the house file folder in the filing cabinet......I was SOOOO shocked that he bothered to message me AND that he would remember where the bill was)

I did respond
Hi! Thanks for letting me know. I think it was the year I was really sick? 13 years ago

He responded right away
I don't remember what year but it would be worth checking the file

Me
For sure. You're right. Thanks for letting me know.

and that was the end of it........odd, odd, odd

[job]

For someone to be homeless and w/o any funds, he sure knows how to purchase another vehicle. LOL! He's not as bad off as he has portrayed himself to be if he can get another vehicle.

If the hot water heater is leaking, you are probably going to need a new one. Don't put it off to long...call a plumber and get someone out there before the leak ruins your flooring, i.e., then it will be even more expensive.

I'm glad he at least posted to you about where to look for the receipt. Chalk one up for him today for being a civil individual.

I hope you are doing okay and enjoying your Sunday.