Hey Ang. Wanted to stop by to see how you are doing.
You know, I get how you are feeling.
This is how I felt. I felt it was my life and no one really had a right to an opinion about it. I mean, they can have an opinion, but, it wouldnt affect my decisions.
I stood to honor my long term marriage and the father of my children. I stood because I saw first hand, close up, someone in crisis and I knew that I would have wanted him to stand for me if I was in one.
I stood because I loved him and because I vowed to.
But mostly I stood because it was the right thing to do. Once I decided that it was what I wanted to do, I knew that I had to do it for as long as I could.
I wanted to look back and see that I did everything I could to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to answer my son yes when he asked, (and he did) if I fought as hard as I could for our family. Because that all mattered.
Other people can have feel however they want. They werent walking in my shoes. I had to be able to put my head on my pillow at night and know that I chose to do the right thing.
It doesnt mean you are a fool. Far from it, Ang. It makes you special. It makes you strong and loving and brave. It makes you different than most.
But this should never be done at the expense of you. There may come a time when the cost is too great. Until then, remember that this mattered, your stand. It will matter to your children, to your head and heart and hopefully to your h one day.
Hey Ang. Wanted to stop by to see how you are doing.
You know, I get how you are feeling.
This is how I felt. I felt it was my life and no one really had a right to an opinion about it. I mean, they can have an opinion, but, it wouldnt affect my decisions.
I stood to honor my long term marriage and the father of my children. I stood because I saw first hand, close up, someone in crisis and I knew that I would have wanted him to stand for me if I was in one.
I stood because I loved him and because I vowed to.
But mostly I stood because it was the right thing to do. Once I decided that it was what I wanted to do, I knew that I had to do it for as long as I could.
I wanted to look back and see that I did everything I could to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to answer my son yes when he asked, (and he did) if I fought as hard as I could for our family. Because that all mattered.
Other people can have feel however they want. They werent walking in my shoes. I had to be able to put my head on my pillow at night and know that I chose to do the right thing.
It doesnt mean you are a fool. Far from it, Ang. It makes you special. It makes you strong and loving and brave. It makes you different than most.
But this should never be done at the expense of you. There may come a time when the cost is too great. Until then, remember that this mattered, your stand. It will matter to your children, to your head and heart and hopefully to your h one day.
Thank you for ALL of this uR. I am really struggling this week...with lots of things. I guess, because things were going pretty well for a few days, I let my guard down on those pesky expectations.
I started thinking, "wow...this is getting better....we're headed for better days. yay!" only to be slammed on Wed. and again today with a very, very angry and confused man.
I'm just so weary of how hard this is. I know it will be hard for a lot longer, and I've got to pick myself up...but for today, I'm just weary.
I'm weary of being told how horrible I am...what a B*tch I am...how everything under the sun is my fault...how he never loved me....how I was never a good wife...how everything single thing I do/say is wrong.
I went several weeks without crying and now I can't stop crying.
I'm starting to doubt myself...and I hate that.
I'm getting impatient for things to just be better...long term.
But it helps, uR, to hear the reasons why you stood....to hear your thought process behind it. Thank you for taking the time to check in.
I'm bringing this over from another discussion. It really made me pretty defensive...and I'm trying to figure out if it's because I need to work more on this or if it's because I got defensive when it doesn't even apply to my situation:
"we tell LBSs that they need to have pity and compassion for what their WAS is going through but that advice usually falls on deaf ears. It's so much easier to just blame the WAS than it is to try and understand what they are going through. They are hurting, angry, confused, lonely, etc. All the things the LBS is, but for different reasons."
The thing is, I HAVE been being compassionate, kind, forgiving, loving, giving, and good to my H....at first, I wasn't. But, for the past 6-8 months, I've turned myself inside out to be that kind of woman toward him....and it HASN'T MATTERED to H ONE BIT!
He is still calling me ugly, horrible names. He is still angry and blaming me for EVERYTHING. It can be as simple as we ran out of bread, and the kids didn't tell me so I didn't know...and HE loses it because we're out of bread.
We ALL have to walk on eggshells every darn day because we never know "which" guy weren't going to have that day or what will set him off.
He is a manipulative, mean, liar...and yet, MOST DAYS, I stay kind and nice to him. I do a WHOLE lot of STFU to keep the peace in our home.
Why am I supposed to be having pity party for him??? What if I am trying VERY, VERY hard to do this DB stuff and do what's right and it isn't changing anything?!
Ok, so, here's how I feel about the above. I understand that the MLCer is in crisis. I get that. As I said, I have seen in up close more than once.
But, MLC does not give them a pass on their actions. It just doesnt. They werent held at gunpoint. They chose these actions. Yes, they did so while they were unsteady, while they were in pain. But, at some point, they have to own what they did.
I had written a post about this. It is important to remember how the LBS suffers, too. How their heart and their world is torn apart. How the stand can rock what they thought they knew.
Both parties suffer here, albeit in different ways.
I looked at it this way. I loved my h with everything I had. I had compassion for his pain. I wouldnt trade being in their head for anything.
But I had compassion for me, too. For what I had gone through, for the stand I took, for the way I loved.
It is why I always say that the LBS has to look after and be kind to themselves.
As far as your sitch, Ang, I think maybe you misunderstand in some ways. Standing does not mean you accept abuse. For me, STFU does not mean you take everything they throw out at you, either.
You have a right to be treated respectfully in your home. As I told you, when he starts to abuse you, you say in a stron voice, "It is not ok to talk to me in that way, if you continue or do it again, I am walking away." And then you do. Abuse is very different in my eyes than spewing. Although, I didnt allow spewing either if it was nasty spewing.
It is why detaching is so important. But what is equally important is for him to see your strength and for you to see it, too.
I wanted to address something else. You should not be turning yourself inside out to see something matter to him. You should become who you want to be. For you.
This is a marathon. And it doesnt really begin until you begin to live your life for you. It doesnt begin until you make the changes YOU want.
Dbing is about saving your life and sometimes it saves marriages.
The tennets of dbing - think with a beginners mind, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, do what works, etc. are how we should live our lives.
Its time for you to figure out Ang, without regard to him. Live your life, A. And leave him to his journey.
It is why I always say that the LBS has to look after and be kind to themselves.
As far as your sitch, Ang, I think maybe you misunderstand in some ways. Standing does not mean you accept abuse. For me, STFU does not mean you take everything they throw out at you, either.
You have a right to be treated respectfully in your home. As I told you, when he starts to abuse you, you say in a stron voice, "It is not ok to talk to me in that way, if you continue or do it again, I am walking away." And then you do. Abuse is very different in my eyes than spewing. Although, I didnt allow spewing either if it was nasty spewing.
What I'm afraid of...deep, deep down, is that this M is never going to be better because H has always been a liar. He has always hid things from me. He has always name-called...just not with so much hate. He has always been into playing head games with me...being what I would call "emotionally" abusive...and sometimes, verbally abusive. He has always been one to blame everything on me and others. He has never been one to take responsibility for his actions/words. His own stepmom told me that she feels like she has never really seen a "conscience" in him.
I hope that I'm not rewriting my OWN memories of how things were before the MLC. What if things were always really bad and I just didn't see it? And, now, I see it more clearly because of the things I've learned here and through lots of reading.
I wanted to address something else. You should not be turning yourself inside out to see something matter to him. You should become who you want to be. For you.
This is a marathon. And it doesnt really begin until you begin to live your life for you. It doesnt begin until you make the changes YOU want.
Dbing is about saving your life and sometimes it saves marriages.
The tennets of dbing - think with a beginners mind, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, do what works, etc. are how we should live our lives.
Its time for you to figure out Ang, without regard to him. Live your life, A. And leave him to his journey.
And, yeah, you have told me this countless times. I think I'm doing pretty good at it until days like Wed and today...and I realize that I'm not detaching and moving forward at all. I'm still worried about how my actions/words will affect him and vice versa. I am afraid that if I stand up for myself, he'll just leave...and then, I'll feel like I'm to blame. It's a very thin line I'm walking. It's so confusing and heartbreaking.
What I'm afraid of...deep, deep down, is that this M is never going to be better because H has always been a liar. He has always hid things from me. He has always name-called...just not with so much hate. He has always been into playing head games with me...being what I would call "emotionally" abusive...and sometimes, verbally abusive. He has always been one to blame everything on me and others. He has never been one to take responsibility for his actions/words. His own stepmom told me that she feels like she has never really seen a "conscience" in him.
I am so sorry that you lived with that for so long. You are right, the marriage cant get better when only one person is working on it. And he certainly cant right now because he is in crazyville. That's why you have to put it safely in a box for now.
I hope that I'm not rewriting my OWN memories of how things were before the MLC. What if things were always really bad and I just didn't see it? And, now, I see it more clearly because of the things I've learned here and through lots of reading.
That's a very good possibility, A. We have new tools, so we see things more clearly at time.
And, yeah, you have told me this countless times. I think I'm doing pretty good at it until days like Wed and today...and I realize that I'm not detaching and moving forward at all. I'm still worried about how my actions/words will affect him and vice versa. I am afraid that if I stand up for myself, he'll just leave...and then, I'll feel like I'm to blame. It's a very thin line I'm walking. It's so confusing and heartbreaking.
It is confusing and heartbreaking, it's true. The thing is that this is counterintuitive to how you think you should be acting. You think you have to hold on real tight so as not to lose him. When in reality, holding on makes them want to work harder to get away. They are trying to get your off their pant leg. And when you dont let go, they have to shake their leg even harder to get you off.
But standing up for yourself is never wrong, Ang. Not allowing yourself to be abused in anyway isnt either. It is not ok to be treated like that. And if you stand up for yourself and he leaves, then you would have stood up for yourself and he made a choice. How is that your fault?
You want to be strong and confident for you. And the hope and possibility is that he sees it, too.
If your marriage gets saved as a result of you not standing up for yourself and leaving things the way they are - is your marriage really saved?
You have to want more for yourself. You have to feel deserving of it. You want a marriage based on respect, A. You want a marriage built of trust. Trust that he will treat you with honor and dignity. And that you will do the same. It may seem like a thin line, but, really it isnt.
In order to have a healthy marriage, you have to be healthy and so does he. You cant do anything about his part, but you sure can do something about yours.
Become who you were meant to be. Become someone strong and courageous and whole. Then if he does the work, you can make decisions from a place of strength.
Let him go, A. Leave him to figure himself out. Holding on doesnt bring about change. It doesnt allow you to walk your journey. It keeps you stuck. And being stuck isnt where you want to be.
TIme for you to say that today you are worthy and you deserve respect.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love him. It means you love him very much. But more importantly, it means you love you.
But standing up for yourself is never wrong, Ang. Not allowing yourself to be abused in anyway isnt either. It is not ok to be treated like that. And if you stand up for yourself and he leaves, then you would have stood up for yourself and he made a choice. How is that your fault?
You want to be strong and confident for you. And the hope and possibility is that he sees it, too.
If your marriage gets saved as a result of you not standing up for yourself and leaving things the way they are - is your marriage really saved?
You have to want more for yourself. You have to feel deserving of it. You want a marriage based on respect, A. You want a marriage built of trust. Trust that he will treat you with honor and dignity. And that you will do the same. It may seem like a thin line, but, really it isnt.
In order to have a healthy marriage, you have to be healthy and so does he. You cant do anything about his part, but you sure can do something about yours.
Become who you were meant to be. Become someone strong and courageous and whole. Then if he does the work, you can make decisions from a place of strength.
Let him go, A. Leave him to figure himself out. Holding on doesnt bring about change. It doesnt allow you to walk your journey. It keeps you stuck. And being stuck isnt where you want to be.
TIme for you to say that today you are worthy and you deserve respect.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love him. It means you love him very much. But more importantly, it means you love you.
Thanks, uR. I hope you know how much you've helped me, especially this past week.
I need some advice on giving the MLCer space vs being too distant.
I've had a crazy past week or so with H. He's been way UP and way DOWN with his moods. Very happy and content, one day....and raging mad the next...little things set him off.
So, I have been trying to give space, leave him to himself, etc., especially when he is super angry. Just work on me and do my own thing....focus on the kids, etc.
Here is the problem. Both times he has been SUPER angry in the past 7-8 days, he's commented on how I seem like I don't care anymore....how I seem like I'm absent and don't care if I see him or not. He has brought this up several times.
It really seems to be on his mind that I don't care about him anymore.
When is the MLCer needing to feel you near them...not far? Is he just saying this to have something else to be upset at me about...or does he really need to feel like I'm there for him? And how do I manage that delicate balance?
Angela, I am honest with people because it doesnt help if I'm not.
People often misunderstand about some stuff. They equate detaching with not caring and letting go with giving up.
The truth is that they arent that at all. What they are is allowing your spouse to walk a journey that is essential to their wellbeing.
And that is the ultimate act of love.
What they do is allow you to give them the time and space they need while giving yourself the time and space that you need.
To me, the most important thing about detaching is not allowing their actions and words to affect yours.
I have spoken about my roadmap a lot. It gave me the plan for how I wanted to live my life. It allowed me to always know how I was going to act at any given momemt.
I chose to always act with dignity, strength and honor. I chose to never get in between the relationship with my son and his father.
So, whenever anything came up, I knew exactly how to act. I would ask myself, is my action going to be one of dignity? Does it align with what I believe? Will it allow me to be comfortable with who I was and who I was becoming?
With this guidelines, I knew how to act with my spouse. I never had to guess.
I am telling you all this because I see you still looking towards him for your actions. You react to his reactions.
If he is in a good mood, then you are, if he isnt, then you are upset.
And that sets you up to go round and round every time.
YOu need to chose how you are going to act, without regard to his actions or reactions.
When we say detach, let go, it doesnt mean to be angry, mean, uncaring towards him. It doesnt mean that you cant be warm and friendly.
It simply means that you are going to treat him as you do a good neighbor. Friendly, caring, yet living your life.
As far as your h, I believe that he projects a lot. He is angry, and lets face it, many MLCers are, and so he projects that onto you by telling you that you act like you dont care.
I feel that because you are always trying to anticipate his responses and his moods, he is playing on that.
Thats why it is important for you to remain steady. You dont get pulled into his anger anymore.
Continue to focus on you and the kids. He may get angry at times. His problem, not yours as long as you are safe.
He keeps pulling you into his vortex. Dont let him. Leave him to it.
You just keep following your roadmap. Remain strong, steady, calm. Do not engage in his stuff. Just dont. Validate when he talks, only when necessary. Be kind and courteous.
He knows what buttons to push, Ang. Dont let him.
The only way for him to do this, is through it. The longer you get in the way of it, the longer it is going to take.
I know its hard. But I have seen your strength. Choose strong, A.
