It is important to let her lead. She clearly wants your approval. Be mindful of your words and actions. Show her that you think she is capable and worthy and that you respect her.
I understand.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
I am sure that you try to do this as much as possible. And you are who you are in terms of your personality. And I get the "isnt fun to disagree with you" aspect. So maybe you try not to be so quick to react and correct when around her, ya know?
Got it.
Thank you for sharing all of that with me. It was helpful.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM, I didn't mean to imply that you still needed to change things, it is just odd to me that you and your W are that close, but yet seemingly so far apart.
However, I have to say that I can't blame you for starting this acting divorced. My W and I are pretty crazy passionate and back and forth, and the one single thing that snapped her out of her fog was when she found out about a pretty girl that liked me. She had had her brief PA, and the thought of that actually is what triggered her confession, and coming back. For some reason, when she finally was faced with getting the divorce, and me moving on with new relationships, she decided she couldn't stand that.
I can't say that will happen with you, but my point is I don't think your W will have a clear picture until she really "loses" you.
And I guess all that says is you're doing the right thing, so keep living by your name!
PM, I didn't mean to imply that you still needed to change things, it is just odd to me that you and your W are that close, but yet seemingly so far apart.
It is illogical, brutally painful, frustrating, nonsensical, and somehow understandable all at the same time.
Originally Posted By: JonF
I can't say that will happen with you, but my point is I don't think your W will have a clear picture until she really "loses" you.
BUT, I do have the final play. A challenge which I have accepted.
And once I've accepted a challenge, I cannot rest until it is completed.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
So what do you (anyone) think of the boundaries we established?
And what do you (anyone) think that eight days in she wanted to break some of them (hanging around and talking to me, then asking me for a hug)?
And what do you (anyone) think of my reaction to her?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
So what do you (anyone) think of the boundaries we established?
Well, the boundaries are pretty specific, and clearly intended to keep the two of you apart. You've said you need that as much as or even more than your W, so for the two of you they appear to be appropriate. I think your W needs it too, because she expressed concern that you were too controlling (that's how I read the "daddy of the house" comments) so she needs distance from you. WAS's want to be on their own, that's part of their journey. They want to see that they can do things themselves. They don't want our help. It's a tough thing for fixit guys to deal with, but we have to quit meddling, quit dabbling, quit poking around seeing if they need something.
Quote:
And what do you (anyone) think that eight days in she wanted to break some of them (hanging around and talking to me, then asking me for a hug)?
I think that you set those boundaries up for you, so you have to ask yourself if the hanging around and hugs are hurting you. If they are then you need to remind her that you set boundaries.
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And what do you (anyone) think of my reaction to her?
I feel like when you posted back around New Year's, you were really hurting. You were tired of this sitch and the roller coaster, and you knew it was just plain bad for you to continue hanging on and putting yourself through this.
But that is exactly what you are doing now. Again.
And I do not blame or judge you one tiny bit. Heck, my H told me in no uncertain terms that he does not want any kind of relationship ever, with me or anyone else, that involves expectations or obligations, but here I am, trying to justify a way that I can go support him at his rowing competition in a few weeks. Because see, I am like you . . . I can't give up on that connection that we have.
(Remember how I told you I see a lot of myself in your posts?)
If you think about it . . . it's not an entirely cheeseless tunnel, right? I mean, if our Ss were mean and told us to F off, or disappeared completely, we wouldn't be dumb enough to go down it again.
It's more like a tunnel with moldy cheese at the end. And we are willing to settle for the moldy cheese because it's better than no cheese at all, which is what we think we will get if we give up going down the tunnel entirely.
So then you realize, you're tired of moldy cheese. It's making you sick. So you say, no more moldy cheese! Forget it. I am done going down this tunnel. So you talk to your W, and you tell her, no more moldy cheese!
And then, how long later? A week? A few days? She offers you more moldy cheese, and you take it.
And like I said, I'm right there with you, PM. I have really only managed to reject the cheese that had maggots in it (and even then it was hard). I'm still taking the moldy cheese from my H.
But would you tell me to do that?
Go read through your thread (including the last post from the last thread, where your W pulled away again, and you had had it), and then imagine what would you say if someone else here that you cared about posted it?
I bet you would say, "PM, YOU deserve more than moldy cheese."
And it's true. And I know, because even though are sitches are different, we are in much the same shoes, that you KNOW that the cheese could be the best cheese in the world. You just know it!
And maybe that's true. But for now, it's all moldy. So my take - quit eating moldy cheese.
You set the boundaries for a reason. Right? If the reason was to entice your W to change something, that wasn't really the right reason. The boundaries are supposed to be for you, for your emotional well being - I believe that's what you said. And if they are, and you don't stick to them, how is that helping you?
I think the fact that your W has wanted to step over some of the boundaries is just her continuing to do the same thing she has done for the past two years.
I am not saying your W is a bad person or is using you or is stringing you along on purpose. But she cannot give you what you want right now. She has proven that time and time again.
So I'll tell you what everyone else tells me - take care of you, and let her take of herself. I think you know that, if you continue to step over the boundaries (whether she initiates it or you do), you are only getting in her way right now.
You didn't ask about this, but if I may . . . I think that you need to try harder to go meet new people. You have mentioned a number of times that you don't have many friends to GAL with. I think that's really holding you back and keeping you willing to settle for less than what you deserve. You said once you are not going to find a new BFF at age 33. I disagree. But regardless - you can find new friends. They don't have to be your BFF. Even just people to hang out with would be nice. It would relieve you from being so consumed by your sitch, and I think would give you some clarity.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
And what do you (anyone) think that eight days in she wanted to break some of them (hanging around and talking to me, then asking me for a hug)?
I think that you set those boundaries up for you, so you have to ask yourself if the hanging around and hugs are hurting you. If they are then you need to remind her that you set boundaries.
No, they don't hurt. I like hearing about her stupid day and I loved the hug. And it's good to feel missed. But I stood there trying to hold up my end of the bargain...this is what we agreed upon so I was sticking to that.
Neither one of us likes these boundaries (all of the time), but we both agreed it was necessary: she needs to be okay on her own and I need to detox from her.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Quote:
And what do you (anyone) think of my reaction to her?
I delayed, showing that I recognized her behavior and request as a breach of boundaries, but eventually gave in because I was just watching her suffer and I know how that feels. It must have taken a lot to - only 8 days in - ask for a breach of boundaries. Not major ones, but I was standing there for the two instances (talk, hug), and I could just FEEL how much she was hurting. It was hurting ME.
But that's why I told her, "If giving you a hug sets you back, then I don't want to give you a hug. I want you to be okay." I would rather her be sad now and finally get better, than get her fix now and prolong the problem.
And she only made it 8 days?
BTW, she seemed good last night when I saw her, so that was good to see.
I was being awesome.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Thanks for the response. I have to finish some things up at work, will digest what you've posted, and respond later.
However, LOT'S of people like blue cheese.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
