Me 14 months on, affair confirmed, someone new?

[Wonka]

Wonka. You say mirror the wife in texts. So if I don't get any texts at all, my mirror is to not send any to her? If a text is sent with regards to the legal side of things, just send a legal reply back?

What I meant by mirroring things back to W, HWA, is staying with the subject at hand and keeping your texts short if they are short. When Ms. Wonka said HNY, I responded accordingly. See?

This is where I struggle, when she doesn't initiate anything. Is my only option to just wait it out?

That is okay. Ms. Wonka didn't initiate anything for the longest time. It was all on me and I can tell you that it was tiring at first. But I kept right at it until the wall started to crumble. Because my texts were short, upbeat, and friendly because I stuck with innocuous and safe topics. Now it is natural and flowing between us since Ms. Wonka has started to initiate more and more of the texts.

It can be done!

[Wonka]

I want to add that there are 650 miles between Ms. Wonka and I...which didn't stop us from texting. In all of the texts, emails, cards, and phone calls, I have NEVER, NEVER acknowledged OW. Not once.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks again Wonka. So back to the occasional text....maybe once a month? I have only asked W once about the OW, that was back in Jun/Jul and I didn't get an answer, just an email stating a lot of reasons two people living together should not be viewed as a couple.
I have not, nor will ask again.

[Wonka]

HWA,

Are there special holidays, occasions or birthdays that are coming up in the next few weeks? Sons' birth dates?

This way we can discuss a plan going forward on how to reach out to W.

[hotwheelsaust]

Wonka:
SIL birthday at the end of this month, W birthday 11th March, start of school term in 2 weeks time. sons fiancee in mid Feb.
Valentines day :-)

[hotwheelsaust]

Ok need an answer to this important question please:
At the end of February I was intending to go to my future daughter in law's 21st. The party is a 2 hour drive away in a country town and most party goers are camping the night and a big brekkie is being put on the next morning.
Well I just found out tonight, the W will be coming and will also be bringing the OW. When I mentioned how disrespectful this is to the DIL, my sons and me, was told the DIL and my sons are ok with this and the rest of the family, while not having the affair confirmed by W, all accept she is having the affair and they are all ok with her bringing OW as well.

So my question is, do I still go to the party, with the knowledge that my W is taking the OW and everyone seems to be ok with this? Do I bite the bullet and be the better person and ignore what the W is doing? Do I stand for my rights and simply say, sorry, but I still find this disrespectful to me, my sons, my future DIL?

Or is there something else I should do?

[TryingToDo180]

HWA, I think at the moment you need to accept that your W is having an affair with an OW and it seems that the family is ok with this. Having come to this conclusion, what do you think you should do?
If everyone else doesn't mind her being there, then I wouldn't kick up a fuss. It's up to you whether or not you feel comfortable going, but after all it is your future DIL's 21st.
I would go and bite the bullet and be there for your sons and the rest of the family. You don't have to be in the same room as your W and OW, just be polite and treat her as you would a neighbour.
I will be having a similar issue in October when my son turns 21.
Have you got immediate family and what do they think about all this? You need to smooth the way ahead to make it a good party for your future DIL. After all, it is all about her. Don't go making a fuss, your sons will only resent you for it. Whether it is right or wrong in your eyes, everyone else seems ok with it so just go with the flow

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks TTD180. Yes I accept the W is having an affair, the family also accept it. I now know the sons also know this.
The W is still in a fog where she believes simply stating "we are friends" is an acceptable reply to all people concerned.
I got to speak to the SIL and ex best friend last night. I learnt a lot of what is happening, how I am coming across (especially to my sons) and what changed everyone's views back in June/July last year. I will write that up another day.
For now though, I will wait for a few replies and then ponder my best action with regards to the party.

[TryingToDo180]

Hi HWA
It'll be good to hear about what was happening, I'll wait in anticipation for that update You've had a few replies on your FB post, have you seen them yet?

[Fartiltre]

So my question is, do I still go to the party, with the knowledge that my W is taking the OW and everyone seems to be ok with this? Do I bite the bullet and be the better person and ignore what the W is doing? Do I stand for my rights and simply say, sorry, but I still find this disrespectful to me, my sons, my future DIL?

IMHO you risk losing ground with DIL, sons and the family if you do not go!
This could make a new tattoo if you know what I mean!

This is only about you! You are not the one to stand up for DIL, sons or family and tell them what to accept and what not to accept – and that’s what will be interpreted if you do not go because of this.
They are all adults and they can do that for themselves.

If W and OW didn’t show up then you would go – I am almost certain of that! By not going you are giving W and OW control over your life – don’t do that. GO and have a great one!

At the same time this is about you, your POV and nothing else. If your beliefs are so strong, that you can’t imagine being there then…..

But my advice will be that if you think you can bite the bullet – then do so!