It's Not Over 'Till It's Over (II)

[Fight4MyWife]

My previous thread:
It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

I have spent Christmas & New Year just trying to make the best of it & enjoying the time I had with my son. It was strange & very different but I did my best & it was OK.

Since then I have spent a lot of time reading & practising living more in the present moment, not dwelling on past or future but accepting the present moment as it is. Also knowing that true fulfilment comes from within & that I have everything I need within myself, I do not need anything externally to complete me.

It has been very helpful & I have begun to find some inner peace & contentment through this practice. I have also then found it easier to detach and give my wife space.

I have still had an underlying urge at times to try & speak to my wife or email her asking questions or discussing reasons we can still make this work etc, but I have resisted & returned to the present moment.

Interactions between my wife have been pleasant but basic, where I have been very calm & relaxed, said little but maintained a pleasant attitude.

I got home from work yesterday to find divorce papers on my doormat, and although in my recent peace & detachment would have hoped it would have been like water off a ducks back, it really wasn't and it has still hit me pretty hard, even though I half expected it.

I would have loved to have been so detached & at peace, accepting what is in this situation but I am still feeling very emotional.

I know some people here might advise against my intentions going forward but I am pretty sure this is what I am going to do:

I plan to defend the divorce.
I do not plan on getting a Lawyer, I will represent myself.

After receiving the papers it does fuel my desire to contact my wife again to discuss things with her & makes it harder to detach. It only happened yesterday evening so I am still trying to deal with it & process the reality of it all.

Oh well, It's Not Over 'Till It's Over!

[2stubborn2quit]

Defending the divorce means what exact? You want to fight it in the courts?

[Fight4MyWife]

Defending the divorce means what exact? You want to fight it in the courts?

Yes pretty much.

She has filed for divorce on the grounds that there has been an irretrievable breakdown of marriage & unreasonable behaviour as well as some specific things she has claimed as unreasonable behaviour.

If I just sign it and agree to the divorce I see it that I would also be agreeing to these claims & I don't believe the marriage is irretrievable or that there has been any unreasonable behaviour.

Therefore I will defend the divorce and it will go to court I believe where she will have to put her case forward & possibly me put my case forward too.

[Lifes Twists]

I went through a similar situation as your. My wife got a lawyer and filed for divorce. I was in the hospital at the time and my parents found a lawyer. He turned out to be a dud and the first hearing went my wife's way. I did a lot of research, found out that we could do a divorce without lawyers. I proposed this to wife since it was in the court system. Her response was to sick her lawyer on me.

My suggestion to you would be to ride out the first hearing without a lawyer. It will be to set temporary orders in place. You will be negotiating directly with her attorney on what will be payed in child support and a few other things. I would make sure you visitation established as well. Find a lawyer who will do just the child support calculations for you. You will just hire them for this purpose and not to represent you.

If she is accusing you of anything that can be used to prevent visitation be prepared to defend against it. Get yourself into IC immediately if you haven't.

After the first hearing you will be better prepared to determine if you need a lawyer. The goal for you will be to spend as little money as possible while your wife racks up lawyer bills and hopefully runs out and has to drop the whole divorce for lack of funds. Don't do anything to give her the idea that you are doing anything actively to cause this. Make sure you are always reasonable. Always let her lawyer know that you do not believe in divorce.

If you find you do need a lawyer then make sure to find one whose emphasis is on mediation and amicable divorce. Make sure they know you do not believe the marriage is irreparable and that you do not find divorce an acceptable option.

This is based on my own experience of the past year. My wife did run out of money to fund the divorce. My initial attorney my parents found was useless and I could have gotten the same results at the first hearing without spending a couple thousand dollars. We are now in a holding pattern, but things seem to be slowly improving.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Goo

[2stubborn2quit]

So the issue is the reason for the divorce? Which reason would you prefer?

[melissag]

F4,

I am truly sorry for this turn in events. It seems I am not far behind you, and I am not looking forward to the administrative side of things at all.

I don't know what state you are in - so I don't know what it means to defend the D.

I do have two thoughts to share, though.

1. I struggle a lot with the "irretrievably broken" concept myself. But when you get down to it, if one person believes this is true, and is unwilling to work on the M, then it truly is irretrievably broken, is it not?

2. What benefit is there to you to fight the D? My guess is that you will end up paying a lot more in attorney fees on both sides, you will only aggravate your W, and you will get no benefit. I think it was MLC who used the phrase "lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in someone else's eyes." Isn't that what you would be doing? In the end, if you get D, do you think you will feel better if you fought it or graciously and selflessly gave your W what she felt she needed?

Just some thoughts to ponder . . . we all have our own feelings and need to make sure that we act (and react) in a way that is true to our core values and who we want to be. Make sure you are making these decisions with your head and not your heart, F4.

[KdogGS]

I felt the same way you felt about "defending" the marriage by not giving her the divorce. I had a change of heart on this after reading through everyone's responses to me. The more you dig in on your position, the more she will too. You can't fight her emotion with your own, or her emotion with your logic.

At the end of the process, you'll be just as divorced either way whether that's after thousands in legal fees or you come to some kind of agreement. Divorced does not mean done.

[Fight4MyWife]

So the issue is the reason for the divorce? Which reason would you prefer?

Yes & no. I have some pretty deeply routed beliefs & principles about marriage & divorce which I feel make it very difficult for me to live with myself if I violate these core values.

I am in the UK and although I in no way understand it fully as I am piecing things together myself without an attorney my understanding is you can file for divorce:
* after 2 years of separation if you both agree
* after 5 years of separation the divorce will be granted if only one person wants it
before 2 years if claim unreasonable behaviour

[2stubborn2quit]

These rules make no sense. They basically trap the person who doesn't want a divorce into claiming to being unreasonable? There may be something you're missing.

[Fight4MyWife]

I wasn't meant to submit the previous post I was in the middle of typing and accidentally submitted.

...... So I believe many people claim unreasonable behaviour, which now days can be anything.

The main reason I think she is going ahead with the divorce is that she wants me out of our house. If I agree to unreasonable behaviour I am also not sure if it would work against me in terms of the house/finances & also when negotiating contact with our son.