Perspective - The Reality of the Trip

[RealityTrip]

I hope you feel better Wonks! Thanks for spending time with me today in my journey.

Would you feel better if I told you that I still do think about Ms. Wonka's OW from time to time.

^^^ ummm NO! LOL!!! I do not want to think about her in a week let alone years. Seriously... yes it does. It shows me I'm not as stuck as I'm feeling on it. It just is what it is. And I am not alone.

My thoughts center around two main themes:

1) Landing a right hook squarely on the OW's jaw
2) What is it about the OW that is "better" than me?

^^^ #1 I see mine more as an upper cut with the left before the right knocks her teeth out. ROFL!!! Bug is gonna get me! This is not a tiny buddha way of thinking!

My #2 is more like... "I want W to tell me OW was not "better" than me." It's one of the last needs for external validation that I am having trouble releasing.

... our insecurities so we seek reassurance from our spouses that we are still quite the catch to them. Silly, vicious cycle to be sure. That is until we can trust and VERIFY that our spouses's actions line up with their words. Then perhaps we can relax and feel safe emotionally with our spouses. Right now, I think you do not feel safe with your W--emotionally.

Isn't this what you're experiencing lately, RT?

I think I am definitely craving reassurances from her right now. And you are right. I don't feel I am completely safe emotionally with her. I am so programmed (by myself) to not "Beg, Plead, Cry, or Pursue", that I am not very free with all of my emotions. I am showing her love and acceptance and support, but I am not showing her the biggest insecurity and fears... just pieces of them. I don't trust her with them. I am afraid she will hurt me. I'm afraid she has no idea the depth of pain that I felt and as soon as she sees the truth of it, she would run the other way from her own guilt and shame. And at the deepest level, I'm afraid she will not validate that pain to my satisfaction. It's almost like a self-imposed limbo. Not letting her in all the way but acting like I am. And let's face it, she more or less has told me she's not ready to examine "me" with me anyway... that's MC territory and she has asked for IC time. So no, I don't trust her with my pain. Not until she does and says so much more.

In my marriage, before the betrayal of my life, I would never have felt this way. I was so safe with my W, or so I thought. I shared everything with her... or so I thought. But then again, would my marriage be in this mini-series if really had?!?!? I wonder...


______________________________________________________
Wouldn't be great if we could all just blame them for everything and run off into the narcissistic, wild blue yonder, flying somewhere over the rainbow on a bottle of gin? But Noooooo. We don't do that. We have to examine ourselves and try to expand and grow ourselves.

Stinkin' grown-ups.

[Wonka]

Gin? Isn't that the best you can come up with, RT??!! What about my famous silky smooth amaretto??!

[RealityTrip]

Gin seemed more appropriate... in a "fear of being alone, about to turn 40, where can I buy a 27 cats, denial" kind of way! Ha!

Amaretto is for the fire pit of friends... when I'm totally sure I'm not driving.

And beer... that's football. Dang Panthers. Crushed my upcoming Superbowl party oufit.

[Wonka]

Good thinking...I'll give you that.

And for the record, I'm mighty pleased that my Pats are now one game away from the Super Bowl! It's now Manning vs. Brady. Shhhh...don't tell Bets!!

[RealityTrip]

Oooh! A DB Bowl! Love it! When it's not my team... as a girlie girl... I root for the best outfit in my closet... sorry Manning. I look good in blue. Besides... Denver attire is too awfully close to Clemson colors and I... live and die Gamecocks!

[labug]

Bug is gonna get me! This is not a tiny buddha way of thinking!

Actually it is. You can think whatever you want and then...let it go.

Judge nothing of your thoughts-that's where we get hooked.

The thoughts are fine if they are seen as transparent, but we get so caught up judging thoughts as right or wrong, for and against, yes and no, needing it to be this way and not that way. And even that might be okay except that is accompanied by strong, strong emotions. So we just start ballooning out more and more. With this grasping onto thoughts we just get more caught, more and more hooked. All of us. Every single one of us

Pema Chodron

[RealityTrip]

Love Pema. Needgrace enlightened me with her teachings. "Let it go"... If I'm revisiting the thoughts is it truly let go? That's my struggle Bug. At least with xOW.

OK... on the table... I have a fear that my own work and growth is not as genuine as I project it when I revisit these hurdles. I think, "I thought I was past that. Am I bullish*tying myself?"

It seems when I think I've processed three steps ahead, sometimes, like with revisiting xOW obsessing, I fall back... like a really bad "Life" game of "Sorry" ( if anyone remembers board games!).

I think I'm being hard on myself and "expecting" my W to make me feel better.

I know better.... see what I mean?

[RealityTrip]

Journal:

W came home from a one day trip on a flight at almost midnight last night. She called me from the airport when she arrived. She was crying. It had been a tough day on her... more than her post-op body could handle. I asked her if she needed me to come get her. She said no through her tears. She would drive herself.

She has been honest in the past that she resented that when she came home from a trip that she felt she had to do everything around the house and I didn't help her or take care of her when she was exhausted. I am trying to 180 on this and I did so last night.

I made sure her business suit was cleaned and ready for tomorrow, I made her favorite pasta dinner, had her jammies by the bed and some ice water on her night stand. When she walked in the door so very late she was still tearful and went to the restroom. I told her to drop her clothes in the bathroom and I would take care of them and to crawl in the bed while I got her dinner. I brought her the pasta and a night cap, along with everything she needed to ice her knees.

I sat up with her while she ate and sniffled, by the second helping of pasta, some ice for her pain and a second night cap... she was calm and feeling better. It was fine for me to kiss goodnight and hit the pillow, so I did.

But after I turned over leaving her to watch tv and continue to decompress, I felt her hand move under the blanket to touch my back. She rubbed and rubbed very sweetly for quite some time... and that's the last thing I remember.

It was perfect.

[labug]

Yes.

[RealityTrip]

The hurdle... Intimacy. Specifically sex. The topic will have to be dealt with soon. W came back home almost 3 months ago. At the time she was in a lot of physical pain (prior to surgery) so I got a hall pass on the question of do we?, don't we?, am I ready?, will she think of xOW?

It was really kind of nice to not have that issue and to just reconnect as friends, to kiss, touch, hug, cuddle... I know it's as fast as I wanted to go and W may have felt the same way, but we got to avoid the discussion because her pain was prevalent.

1.5 months into her return she had surgery. Hall pass number 2. Intense pain and rehabilitation. ML was the furthest thing from her mind and I was tired as h*ll taking care of her and EVERYTHING else!

But now, the rehab is paying off and she is getting better. She still has pain and discomfort at night and usually cries most nights (sometimes just feeling sorry for herself and frustrated and how long the process is to rehab) so it hasn't been an issue to deal with yet. No one has made advances and no one has been rejected.

But I have to say, I have some fear on this. So I am trying to process some stuff now, before "it".

W and I are more physical touch and word expressive of love than even the year before BD (she was in an A and I didn't know... but I did know something was wrong.) Last night a commercial came on TV about a sexual dysfunction medication and it made us laugh for some reason (sorry guys... no harm intended ) I took the light moment to ask, " What do you think about sex? Where on you on it?" She answered, "Honestly, I don't." I waited a few seconds longer just to see if she had anything else to say and I asked her, "Are you masturbating?" she answered, "I thought about it last week, but I didn't. I just don't."

The air in the space between us as we lay there next to each other just changed. Not tension, not negative.. but definitely different and weird... but not uncomfortable. So I left it at that and backed off. It didn't feel like she wanted to talk on that subject. It was late, we'd had a long day and I thought it best to do some personal processing on it before I approached the subject with her again in the future.

For the record, the last time we ML was while she was on walkabout and we were S but before she moved in with xOW. So that puts us at about 6 months.

So I know it's a critical issue that needs to be tended to before it takes on a monster role and becomes a bigger problem than I think our reconciliation efforts need, but I'm not sure where to start, what I think, or how to proceed.

She will recover from her surgery soon.

Before you all ask (and I'm hoping you will feel comfortable enough as my friends to help me process this... I understand if you don't.):

1- Yes. I want to. (now. but when she first came home would have been too soon for me. I needed to build more trust)
2- I am afraid she doesn't.
3- I fear rejection if I make the first move.
4- I am afraid she will compare me to xOW. (big time fear)
5- I have some mind movies of her and xOW that I struggle with when I start to think about ML and I am afraid they will plague me when I am with my W.

Whew! Heavy stuff this mornin' from RT!