RT, you are amazing . . . truly an example of a spouse only a fool would leave, and an inspiration to the rest of us DBers. That's great that your W has recognized that she needs to do some personal work, and is wiling to do it. Something most of us only wish our WASs would do! I guess I have to give her some credit, too . . . as I know all too well, it's not so easy to acknowledge the need, or to wade through the ugly muck.
RT, how did you manage to let go of the anger and resentment I am sure you must have felt about your W's A and everything she put you through for so long?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
RT, how did you manage to let go of the anger and resentment I am sure you must have felt about your W's A and everything she put you through for so long?
How did I let go? Well, before I talk about my detachment, I need to emphasize that I am not "over" the A and neither is my marriage nor my W. There is a lot of work for each of us as individual's and as a couple to do. Years worth I'm anticipating.
So letting go of the anger and resentment... Not easy. And I haven't completely. Forgiveness is daily. Each time I have a trigger or a mind movie, which have increased again since W moved home, but I think that's probably normal, after all, W is my single biggest trigger right? The goal for me is not to "let go" of those uncomfortable emotions, but to transform them into something positive. I've got to go though them and feel them, no way around it, but waaaayyyy back on one of my earlier threads, I made the proclomation that I wanted the pain I felt to mean something and to have a redemptive purpose. I believe that pain not transformed is transferred and that if I have to feel it and go through it, I want the pain to have a purpose and a meaning in my life. Anger and resentment are secondary emotions. They are the reflections of unprocessed pain and unfaced fears.
The PAIN has been the realization that my W hurt me. Knowingly. The truth that my marriage was not ok and that I had some part in that.
The FEAR was that I would be alone. Not that I would lose my W, but that I would be alone and unloved by anyone.
I have spent a lot of time pinpointing these two things.
Well now, I have a choice. Go the route of bitter, vengeful, unforgiving betrayed spouse, which was my first instict, but where would that get me? What did I want?
I want be happy, strong, to grow. And I want to save my marriage, to make it better. To make it what it should have been all along.
I've also had to accept that W and I are two completely different people who process emotions in different ways and at different speeds, with different points of view. Giving up the very stong need to control and manipulate the way my W perceives the A and everything after it has been difficult but also eases the anger and resentment.
When we finally do reach MC, I think that will be the time for me to revisit those angry memories and resentful feelings and pull them off the shelf. Part of truly processing them in terms of the health of my marriage will be to come to a place of trust where I can share them with W without fear of retaliation or W running away. She's not ready for that. She's not strong enough. She already told me so by asking for time for IC and I am respecting it.
So I focus on what I can control and deal with today. My own self-esteem, my GAL, my DB'ing, my 180's, my family and in-law relationships, my work, my studies, and my forgiveness.
The more I focus on these things, the lighter the "anger and resentment" box seems on the shelf of "to-do's."
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
On more thought, I keep focused on the knowledge that my marriage and relationship with my W are so much more than the experience of the affair. My marriage was never defined by that in the first decade and it is not defined by it now.
A's, MLC's, addictions, these things do not define our marriages. They are simply things we go through and grow from. We decide whether or not to embrace that growth.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
The FEAR was that I would be alone. Not that I would lose my W, but that I would be alone and unloved by anyone.
I would like to point this out ^^^ to newbies and other posters who are struggling with detachment. This is a VERY important point in the DBing process. Far too many times, I see posters getting stuck and stay stuck precisely because of the fear being alone.
Once a person gets past this particular fear, DBing and detachment become much more easier. Because one knows he/she is gonna be okay either way. That is often when situations turn around because the WAS senses this change in the air.
For all you newbies and stuck people, keep chipping away at this fear of being alone. Get to the other side of this fear and you'll be truly okay.
You have had a remarkable turn around of events in the last 2 years. Congratulations on acknowledging the progress you have made. In order to continue on this positive path you may want to consider the advice and knowledge of our Divorce Busting coaches. Please call me at 303-444-7004. Wishing you continued hapiness.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
The FEAR was that I would be alone. Not that I would lose my W, but that I would be alone and unloved by anyone.
I would like to point this out ^^^ to newbies and other posters who are struggling with detachment. This is a VERY important point in the DBing process. Far too many times, I see posters getting stuck and stay stuck precisely because of the fear being alone.
Once a person gets past this particular fear, DBing and detachment become much more easier. Because one knows he/she is gonna be okay either way. That is often when situations turn around because the WAS senses this change in the air.
For all you newbies and stuck people, keep chipping away at this fear of being alone. Get to the other side of this fear and you'll be truly okay.
I second that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
No tales to tell. W is out of town working. Things are quiet. She sent me a sweet text this morning "singing" good morning to me. I responded with an LOL, a smiley face and told her she makes me happy.
I wonder. W in the past, when still in the A, would make comments that she didn't think I would ever be able to forgive her. I wonder how she feels now? I try not to bring up too many questions about her time in the A and on Walkbout. Occassionally I will have a burning question that I allow myself to ask, but not without prefacing it to W before I do with, "I have a question about Walkbout", to make sure she is in the frame of mind answer it. Usually she says "ok", once or twice she's asked if we can talk about it later... I respect that. We communicate better when we are both ready to do it.
But I wonder where she is on the LBS "forgiveness fear." I realized a while ago that if we didn't survive that it wouldn't be because I couldn't forgive her, it would be because she couldn't forgive herself. So I'm thinking that maybe, for anyone else out there that's ever heard the affair spouse say, "I don't think you will ever be able to forgive me.", that those words should be filed under "WAS justification" to continue doing what they are doing. They need us to NOT forgive them to give them permission to continue.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
