Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

MrBond,

Thanks again for your comments. I have read DR a couple times now. I just have a hard time trying to implement things in the book 100% of the time. I have been doing some things from the book, I feel pretty well, could I be doing a better job Absolutely!!

Im not surprised the C told me I am a rescuer just didn't think of it in quite those terms.

Let me ask you though. Is making sure my credit rating stays at a good level by paying bills that we have that she obviously cant help with wrong? I know that 50% of these bills are her responsibility but if she cant pay them the credit card companies don't care they still need paid. How could I handle this in a different way so that I don't look like a safety net?

I also understand that she owes me nothing as far as owning up to her part in the M failing. I guess it is just the "fix it" mentality that everyone talks about on here that I have a real problem with. The C also said that W is a reactor and not a proactor. She told me to just observe what is going on and not act so much. That is where the comment comes from about me filing for D. I have been observing more and trying to take things in before just jumping to conclusions or mind reading.By observing what the W is doing or saying it leads me to think a certain way sometimes. I know this is bad but it is hard not to do.

I do feel for others that have it far worse than me. I have to remember that sometimes a bad sitch for me would be something someone else is hoping for.

Thanks again you are a big help and I appreciate it!!

[nit84]

Journaling here

It has started to show that my lack of communication skills are my biggest problem. Since I have been posting here I have noticed that after I proof read my thoughts they sound good. But then when I get replies it shows me that if this is the way I am approaching things it could lead down the wrong path.

My issue is Once I read the replies and they do make sense. I look at what I wrote and how I wrote it and it is not exactly what I meant(or is it?). I notice that I use the word "need" way too much and probably don't have to. The word "want" may be more appropriate in some instances.

All this has helped me realized that if I cant communicate my thoughts to the board correctly. How am I supposed to do this with the W? Don't get me wrong she is no master communicator either but that doesn't matter. Its all in how I try to get things across when the opportunity presents itself that matters.

I have some work left to do but I feel that I can get better at communicating my thoughts to everyone not just the W eventually. Does anyone have any suggestions on things that might help me?

[labug]

Being here and reading and writing have helped my communications skills tremendously.

It's great that you are realizing you need help in that area.

The most important communication skill you can use with your S is listening, really listening.

Read Adinva's posts, she is a wonderful, direct, clean communicator.

Also, if you add a sig to your posts it's helpful to readers-go to My Stuff on the header, click on My profile and the sig is near the bottom. Thanks.

[nit84]

Thanks labug, You are correct about Adinva.

I will add sig also

[labug]

MrBond,
Im not surprised the C told me I am a rescuer just didn't think of it in quite those terms.

Just keep in mind that rescuer constantly lets the victim (W) know that he thinks she can't do anything. And because you're afraid to let her fall, see her hurt, you aren't allowing her to live her life.

Stand back, show her you believe she can do things without you.

Let me ask you though. Is making sure my credit rating stays at a good level by paying bills that we have that she obviously cant help with wrong? I know that 50% of these bills are her responsibility but if she cant pay them the credit card companies don't care they still need paid. How could I handle this in a different way so that I don't look like a safety net?

You are still married? Is there a legal separation? Is she actively looking for a job? I don't know that there is a different way because this all seems to be marital debt created by a still married couple.

Just let this play out, continue to do as your C suggests and see how it plays out.

[nit84]

labug,

Thank you for the input! I started this way back when the S first took place. I told her she should pay the bills since she was staying in the home and had access to a computer and all the bills would be mailed to the home. I paid the bills from early on in the M. I wanted her to do it back then but she doesn't keep a checkbook and bounced 4 or 5 checks.

I then took over paying them but always asked her input on how much extra we should pay towards credit cards and mortgage to pay things down quicker.

Since the S she has paid all the bills and I transfer my portion into her account as we still have joint accounts but no longer do we just in and transfer from each other accounts. Kinda joint but separate I guess. She said that I was the one who decided that I would pay the bills when we first M. I didn't want to bring up the check issue as that would have been bringing up the past and there was nothing to gain by it except "winning" an argument.

When certain issues arose with bills I asked her to take care of them instead of offering to do it or just doing it without her knowledge.


There is no legal separation, She says she is looking for a job but I don't ask these questions because its her life to do with what she wants. She did tell me she passed on, back in July, going back to a previous job because they offered her substantially less, she later told me what was offered and it was her starting salary from 2 years ago about 10% less than what she was making when she left to take the job that she lost in July. With overtime she would have made about the same amount as the job she just lost and would not have missed a paycheck. Again, this did not seem to be a fight I wanted to pursue because we were separated and she could do whatever she thought best for her.

To me I would have taken it. She didn't like it because of the traffic and commute times back then that is why she switched jobs to begin with.

Now if she took that job back, it just wouldn't be the commute and traffic it would screw with her gym routine. I, of course, do not know this for sure but that is what I think imho.

She claims that she has no money, which I believe and know first hand, and that is why she hasn't filed for D. She said you have the money why don't you file?

She said she should have filed when we first S. I asked why she didn't and got no response.

[nit84]

Just thinking out loud. Since the W and I aren't really talking much. Is it ok, for instance, for me sit down and watch TV in the same room as her and not ask her? I dont really care what it is she is watching.

It is just a way to see if maybe she would start a conversation about anything or get up and retreat to the bedroom. I have no problem being around her. I always say "hi" when I come home or she does but that is about as far as it goes on most nights.

Is this type of action by me just asking for trouble?

Should I let her do every bit of the initiating?

[paul19510]

Make yourself scarce. Do not hang around. Read Sandie rules

[Fartiltre]

It is just a way to see if maybe she would start a conversation about anything or get up and retreat to the bedroom.

IMHO: If you do things because you hope for a reaction from W; then you pursue or likewise! If you sit down because you want to watch what’s on TV then do so, but if you sit down to examine Ws reactions - then don’t.
Focus on you and what you want!

Just my 2c!

[paul19510]

If she doesn't want to be around you or it looks like you're just hanging around, I agree, don't/. you're not making things any better.