Did you pull away from your family of origin? If you did , when, for how long, and when did you find your way back? In your mlc mind, at the time, why did you withdraw from them?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Read the end of the book first?!?? What? Me??? I neve... well, there was this one time in band camp...
You know what's interesting to me, Wonka? You. You know what else is interesting to me? Reading your statements help me to be more compassionate, if that's possible. It really does help to read your journey, even if that's not why you took it.
Heck, you might have done it just for me. But on the off chance you didn't, thank you for sharing.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ambi: 'Did you pull away from your family of origin? If you did , when, for how long, and when did you find your way back? In your mlc mind, at the time, why did you withdraw from them?'
Not sure if I understood the first question correctly. Are you asking if I was scared by my FOO issues? Is that right? Or are you asking me if I pulled away from my family and friends?
When the alien swapping furry friend shows up in the MLCer mind, depression sets in so they withdraw from friends, family, interests, and hobbies. It is because we can't deal with other people's emotions and thoughts. It is too overwhelming for us to handle/process...remember our thought process is impaired and/or broken during this journey. This is why oftentimes you see us pulling away from you the LBS.
Please keep in mind that during this process, we do not have conscious awareness that all of this is directly tied to our unresolved issues in childhood/young adult years. We just don't know and are not able to connect our dots because we don't think rationally at all. So to expect us to have some recognition of this correlation is a fallacy. We are too busy running away from ourselves. To have the time for reflection and introspection is not high on our agenda.
It is not until we leave the tunnel that we do notice our surroundings and slowly integrate our scattered selves into one whole person. For some MLCers, it unfortunately does not happen at all...i.e. Beatrice and Job's XHs. They are truly lost in the wild badlands with tumbleweeds blowing asunder.
My MLC started to get quite heavy in the Fall of 2002 and lasted until the end of 2003--this was the period when I pretty much withdrew from family, friends and interests. I started to 'come out' of the foggy tunnel sometime around March 2004. The re-integration began afterward slowly and surely. This process was somewhat turbo charged when I joined the DB site in October 2004. I fully know that I am one of the few very, very lucky reformed MLCers.
Does this answer your questions?
Bright:'Were you determined to end your R with Ms. Wonka when you were in MLC?'
When my own MLC began in 1999, I was deep in grief over the loss of my grandmother and I frankly stumbled blindly trying to grab onto to something. This is when I began to stray out of the relationship by talking inappropriately with other women and friends. Yes, I was seeking a way out of the relationship at a subconscious level without any full self-awareness of what's happening. Please keep in mind that there were times that Ms. Wonka and I were sexually and emotionally intimate. Heck, that had to be massively confusing to Ms. Wonka.
'When you discovered that Ms. Wonka had an OW, were you already coming out of the tunnel, or this event actually prompted you to wake up from the fog?'
This exact part was a very, very complicated and messy process for both of us. Since I dropped the BD bomb on Ms. Wonka's birthday in May of 2003, she and I pretty much, for all intents and purposes, were 'over' as a couple. It was sometime in the Summer of 2003 that Ms. Wonka sought support from a friend and I recall telling Ms. Wonka "I'm glad you are seeking support with OWName." I believe they did not get into an EA until sometime in the Fall of 2003 which most likely turned into PA sometime in the Winter (I believe it was sometime in February 2004 when OW flew to visit with Ms. Wonka by staying with friends' house).
Sadly, this A of and itself did not wake me up from the MLC fog. However, when the fog did lift in March 2004, I could see very clearly what was happening and I tried my darnest to tell Ms. Wonka to break things off with the OW. As you know, Ms. Wonka was already deep into the OW dopamine...tough to break it at the early stages.
This is one of the several what-ifs I struggle with at times to this day...but it is what it is. shrug
I was busy composing my answers when your post came through.
Eh...you flatter yourself a bit much. Maybe if you bribe me with some good quality amaretto...I may admit that I possibly do close my eyes and think of you when I come here in my own thread.
Helping you be more compassionate...oh goodie! There's a beating heart inside of you, AJ.
So, I guess the next question that should be asked: What was Ms Wonka's take on your recent journey? I know she was looking for comfort elsewhere. I suspect you may have told her to get away and seek that comfort - did you and did she?
A heart? I seriously doubt that I have one of those, but I'm still on my journey to see the Wizard and he'll give me one
AJ
P.S. I did not know there were various qualities of Amaretto. Not my thing, but it just didn't occur to me. I'll take note and be sure to keep a bottle around in case.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Wonka dear, thank you for starting this thread. You know I have a whole file of all of the Wonka-isms you wrote to keep me sane, and get me to this place of strength. I love you (but I'm not in love with you).
PS I read that Ms. Wonka surprised you with a text on New Years! What's up with THAT! You know I have never lost hope for you two.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Sadly, this A of and itself did not wake me up from the MLC fog. However, when the fog did lift in March 2004, I could see very clearly what was happening and I tried my darnest to tell Ms. Wonka to break things off with the OW. As you know, Ms. Wonka was already deep into the OW dopamine...tough to break it at the early stages.
This is one of the several what-ifs I struggle with at times to this day...but it is what it is. shrug
Hi, Wonka. I stumbled across this post tonight as I am in the midst of a bad case of what-if-ism. My WAW is home, crushed and beating herself up over a pretty torrid 6-mo affair that ended quite spectacularly (I need to update my sitch on the forum for those who aren't my FB friends!). Anyway, after the dust settled a part of me really believes I could have run OM off pretty easily right at the start if I'd called W's bluff on her never speaking to me again if I contacted him in any way (he was someone I had hired to work on the house we were supposed to be moving into).
W had quite a sexual awakening during the A - with me she was always reserved and uninterested and some things that were quite taboo were enthusiastically pursued with OM. After it became clear it was only about the sex for him, she was pretty devastated and outed the A to his SO and then karma really went to work on all involved.
Anyway, I'll have this what-if on my mind... probably forever. My comforting thought is that I probably wouldn't have done the work on myself that I've done during this time. It's our second time on this ride and last time we went right back to our old ways and piecing went out the windows.
