You are exactly right. Whatever H is or isn't doing right now doesn't change the path that I'm on right now, anyway...so I need to stop worrying about it.
I HATE those stupid triggers, though. I'll be cruising along, perfectly fine...and hit one of those...and it's a knife to the heart, all over again. I am getting better at dealing with it and moving on, though. So, that's good.
I'll try to catch up on your sitch soon. I read some of your posts over the holidays...
Yep, Ang. I, too, once thought a PA would be a deal-killer. Then I thought that certain behaviors withing a PA would be. I keep finding that I'm willing to give more as each of these boundaries are breached - so far!
Bringing this over here so I don't hijack T2's thread.
So, MH and others, why is that? I know some people who did NOT put up with a PA. As soon as they discovered it, the marriage was over...D was filed, etc. And, they moved on.
What does that say about us that we keep moving that line? I KNOW that I deserve to be treated better. I'm not some pathetic lady who thinks I will "never love again"....blah...blah...blah. It's not that I stay because I'm afraid of being alone, really. I'm a strong woman. I could go it alone, if I have to.
So, is it because I believe in my vows, even with an affair? Is it because of my kids? Is it because I have hope that there is a better relationship for me and H, after we get through this?
I'm not sure what this all says about me. Lots of people around me do NOT understand this at all. I keep getting pressure and questions about why I haven't kicked him out and D'd yet. And I don't have an explanation.
For me Angela, it is because I know about MLC, that there is something "wrong" with W. The behavioral changes, her whole personality shift, the stranger.
And knowing what I do of her upbringing, the s3xual abuse, lack of validation, etc, etc, all makes "sense" when put into the context of MLC/mental health issues.
They didn't "choose" this bad wiring that has now short-circuited.
People have mental and physical health issues. You don't just toss them to the side of the road. The people who do not understand you and what you are doing, would look down upon someone divorcing their spouse because they developed a debilitating health condition, or a dis-figuring accident, I would imagine. Or a "recognized" mental health issue such as clinical depression, etc.
You have to give them time to recover, work through it, to heal. That's what those vows were all about. Not abandoning your mate because of something temporary (hopefully), or small, petty.
There may be a time when, yes, you have to let them go, but those vows meant you try, give them some time, the benefit of the doubt, for a while.
Imo, our "easy button", instant gratification society and culture have engendered a "Oh, my W is broke, I'll get a new one! There, problem fixed, what game is on TV tonight?" attitude. Not doing deep water trolling there...
Hope that made some sense, need more coffee...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I guess I see this "standing" thing as you do, but it's hard because I have those typical outsiders who keep thinking I'm "making excuses" for his bad behavior.
My H came from a home where his real dad was overbearing, and religious to the extreme (would wake H up in the middle of the night for Bible studies, etc. so now H won't go to church with me, etc.)...was very judgemental, etc. His mom was very permissive...let H do anything he wanted to. After his parents D when H was in middle school, his mom started acting like his best friend, instead of a mom.
H partied, slept around, and pretty much did whatever he wanted to from the age of 13 on.
She then remarried....and the stepdad is a complete and total A**HOLE! He is one of the worst people I have ever know. He calls my MIL horrible names and treats her like she is nothing. (Hhhmmm...wonder where H got that from?)
Anyway, stepdad used to party with H, instead of being a father figure. H had no boundaries and no rules...BUT at the same time, H could "never do anything right"...he was constantly belittled and told how useless and stupid he was.
So, H has LOTS of deep-seated issues. I see that. I can see how those things are coming out, now. But, I don't see H ever being willing to work on, and fix, those issues within himself.
Thanks again T2 for reminding us of the "illness" way of viewing the MLC. This is something that falls out of my sleep deprived brain all too often.
Maybe I can get this printed on the other side of my STFU bracelet.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
He's told me numerous times that his issues are HIS to fix and nobody else's business.
He has said that he will "never" attend counseling....has said this for all 15 years of our M.
Also, in my eyes, he just doesn't SEE how screwed up his childhood was. He makes fun of how nice my childhood was....says my family is just "faking" it....that no family gets along as well as mine does, etc.
He really does NOT see how messed up he is due to childhood stuff.
