Perspective - The Reality of the Trip

[RealityTrip]

A coupla things:

1) How did W behave during post-op recovery? What was her overall demeanor?
W's overall demeanor has been uber-loving, very appreciative of my support, but I can sense that she is definitley in a personal space of healing and recovery so I have left all marital recovery stuff warming on the back burner (at your advice!) and it has definitely been the right thing to do. Sometimes she cries, well she cries a lot. My intuition pings sometimes that the tears are not only post-op but AP grieving/guilt as well. I leave it all alone and let her sit with it. I'm not trying to mind read, but I'm realistic. She's riding some rough waves with her body recouping, her A ending and our reconnection. I keep in mind she's dealing with all that AND percocet. So... I'm not borrowing any trouble Wonks! And practicing STFU like SD taught me... where is that girl anyway?

2) As for visiting the ILs for the first time in 13 years, how did that make you feel? How did W feel about this? Did that encourage more closeness between you two?
It wasn't the first time I've visited, just the first time I was included in "holiday" time. It was great. W has been vocal to her 2 supportive brothers and mother about her angst that her father and oldest brothers don't include me. I thank her each time I hear her. It seems to empower her. YES! It has most definitely encouraged more connection. I have made an effort to call her mom on a couple of times on my own to say hello, thanks her for the gift, or just check in. This is a major 180 that I think W is very atuned to. In the past I was of the mindset that if they didn't accept me then I didn't need them. Big puffed up ego stuff. I am trying to make more of an effort to connect. Flies with honey kind of thing. I have know for years it meant a lot to my W but I was stubborn and "right". I am confidently changing that.

3) Where does W stand in regard to the ex-OW?
Well... I'm not asking. I take that back. On the way home from her brothers after we were separated for a week, I did ask. It was the right time and non-chalant... I said, "It hasn't come up, but did you and x-AP have any contact over Christmas?" She said, "No we haven't. Not at all." I said, "Thanks, for answering me. I needed to ask but I'm sorry if it upset you." (I don't know why I apologized. She didn't seem angry at all. (co-dependant scardy child crept up I guess) She answered, "No problem. I understand. But no, No contact at all."

4) Are there plans to attend Gottman-based MC?
We have not made MC plans yet. We have discussed that it's coming but she asked for some time to do IC first. I am respecting that.

[Wonka]

RT,

It is good to hear that W is attending IC to work through her issues. The MC can wait until later when W is more comfortable with the notion herself.

The ILs can be a minefield that can be difficult for anyone to navigate through. Ms. Wonka is particularly close to her family so I spent quite bit of time with the ILs and that included travels together. It isn't about me...but Ms. Wonka and her happiness. Sometimes that requires negotiation and compromise.

[JuneReN]

RT. Sounding good!!

And no, I don't see your question and response as co dependent. It's a learning curve, this thing called life, right?

I have learned that sometimes stuff just doesn't go away, no matter how much we calmly and rationally tell ourselves otherwise. So if you had to ask, you asked.

Next time, you may not need to.

[paul19510]

wonderful news. it gives me hope. Only 1 month into separation here.

[Positivespin]

RT.

You made me cry with your last post on my thread. I heart you!

[RealityTrip]

Yesterday I asked W to meet an emotional need of mine. And she DID!

There has been a ton going on with her surgery, in-laws, holidays, and it's been super stressful. For a day or so I had been feeling like I needed more touch, more love affirmation. Not because I was insecure, but because I was tired. I just needed the pleasantness and calming of physical closeness.

I said to W early in the day, "I feel like I need to be loved on. I'm really tired. When I get home form work tonight I'm just going to be. I'm not even doing the dishes." (W is still recouping form surgery so all of the household load is squarely on my shoulders... but it's ok)

W said, "Me too. I need to be loved on too." We jokingly bantered back and forth that she now feels spoiled with all the post-op attention and wants it to stay that way. Then she unexpectedly apologized for not having met my emotional needs. She said, "I'm sorry. I just haven't had a whole lot to give lately." I told her I completely understood. The conversation was light and humorous but we definitley were communicating.

Later last light, I was true to my word and vegged out. I didn't even want to cook so I ordered pizza. As I was taking it to the kitchen W called out from the bedroom, "bring it in here". HUH? too cute. We haven't had a bed picnic in years. So I did, we each ate 2 slices and watched some TV. Then she opened her arms and invited me to lay on her chest. She stoked my back and head for a good while as we watched television and I eventually fell asleep there.

I didn't realize until I had an unmet need and vocalized it, that I feared she wouldn't want to or be able to meet it. But now that I've communicated one and she listened and acted upon it of her own accord later that night, I feel like we really are doing ok.

Until the next rough wave... I'm floating calmly.

[Wonka]

You shine brightly with your DBing, RT!!! I liked how you were gentle with your request for affection. A nice dab touch right there.

[melissag]

Great update, RT! Hope the waters stay calm.

[labug]

That is such good news!

[RealityTrip]

Hi ladies! Thanks for the love.

This morning I was late for work. W woke up early with me to have coffee since she has an early physcial therapy appt. and we just started talking. I couldn't leave. It wasn't the right time. We were in the zone.

W had some tears over the post-op pain, she wanted to talk about some anxiety she was having in going back to work. We hashed that stuff out, I reached over and held her hand when she started to tear up. (I am still holding true to my 180 of not trying to "make her feel better", but instead, sit with her in the true emotions.)

I took the opportunity of closeness to thank her and acknowledge the other night when she met my emotional need that I had brought to her attention. She said "you're welcome". Then she told me that she made another IC session for next week. She started to open up about all the "personal work" she needs to do and is ready for. She expressed that she wanted to start journaling and asked if I was ok with that. "Of course! What a great idea!" She was worried that placing all of those personal things into a journal would somehow hinder her transparency to me and might cause me pain or stress. I ASSURED her it wouldn't and told her again that I thought it was a wonderful idea that she had.

Then she said, "I know we are on the back burner and it sounds selfish after everything I've put you through but I need some time to work on me. I'm no good for us until I do this."

I had a conscious moment where I made sure I was making eye contact so that she would KNOW I heard her. I responded that I understood and that I am ok for now. I told her that regardless of where our future takes us as a couple, that I truly wanted her to heal herself and be happy. She said, "I know that. But I know you want us to go to MC together and I want that to, but I need to do this for me."

I told her again that I understood and I was ok for now. I expressed that I'm glad she is taking the time for herself, that I had a lot of it while she was on Walkabout, and I wanted the same for her.

It was a good morning. I think the thing that stood out to me most was that MC is still on W's radar. She's not avoiding it, she's just not ready, and that is ok. But she's not living in the Fog all day, every day (Oh she likes to hide here on occasion, but she doesn't live there full-time) she's thinking.... and now she's opening up and talking about her emotions.... to me... and no longer to xAP.