KdogGS' Journey Part Quattro

[KdogGS]

Last thread (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2417000#Post2417000) got over 100 so I opted to just start a new one.

Here are both letters I plan to send to my MIL and FIL. Please provide and feedback or things I should remove.


Dear FIL,

Part of my recovery program includes the following three steps.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I write to you today to make many apologies. I am sorry for emotionally harming you, your daughter, and your wife. I know I caused a lot of pain. I want to specifically apologize for an instance where I embarrassed you as a result of being intoxicated and that was at X’s wedding in San Diego. I imbibed too much and I was an embarrassment to you and your family. I apologize for behaving that way at the wedding. I also apologize for the night I went to Dave and Buster’s for the bachelor party with Y, Z and my friends. I came home inebriated and was not nice to anyone in front of my guests. I am sorry for that as well.

I also want to apologize for the way I treated your daughter and your wife in your own home that you so lovingly opened to me. I am sorry for being an ungrateful guest. I truly appreciated your generosity and your wisdom as you did your best to counsel me while walking with K.

I also want to apologize for a comment I made to Katy while you were away on a trip. I was talking to her about financial matters, and I made a comment that “a fool and his money are soon parted.” I don’t even know if you heard of it, but I know I said it, so I want to say that I am sorry for that as well. I think you did an amazing job saving, investing and preparing for your future. You made the sacrifice and served our country, and were able to save even on just one income. You are in no way a fool. I am sorry that phrase ever slipped out of my mouth.

I know that no apologies can make up for anything that has taken place. I can only let you know that moving forward I am committed to showing others love, not being an embarrassment, and trying to make all who know me proud to say they are associated with me.

I know that forgiveness is a process, not something that is just simply done one day. I ask that you do your best to forgive me for my transgressions. There is a chance that we may bump into one another around town, and I assure you I will treat you with love, dignity, and respect if I run into you or any of your family.

Sincerely and with love,
Me



Dear MIL,

Part of my recovery program includes the following three steps.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I write to you to apologize for many things. First, I want to apologize for my actions directly related to drinking. I made a fool of myself and was an embarrassment to you at X’s wedding. I remember you showing me the pictures where I was making a stupid face in every picture and saying “that’s my son-in-law.” That was such an embarrassing moment for me. I cannot imagine how it made you feel to actually be at the wedding with people you knew and friends knowing who I was and that I was related to you while I acted like that. I am so sorry for embarrassing you, FIL, and W while intoxicated.

I also want to say how very sorry I am for how I treated you once we got here. I made you out to be the source of all my angst and problems. I know now the only person responsible for my happiness is me. I was trying to remove the speck from your eye before removing the log from my own. I have removed many logs from my eyes in the last few months.

I also want to apologize for how I treated your daughter. I know she is your best friend and that you love her immensely. FIL’s description of you being the mama bear is so apt, I know why you rallied around your cub. I also want to apologize for how I treated FIL, not showing him nearly enough respect in his own home. I have nothing but respect for FIL, and I am sorry that I ever showed anything but that.

I am also sorry that I did not show you respect in your own home. You mentioned once that “this is your house now” meaning you felt I had taken over. I understand why you felt that way. I am sorry for ever making you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

I also want to apologize for how I treated your sister M, and H when they were out to visit. There is no excuse for my actions or behaviors.

You also were instrumental in bringing me back to my faith and helping to give me a set of principles to live my life by. Like the prodigal son that lost it all, I have finally returned and I owe much of that to your perseverance and prayer for me. I am truly blessed that out of this situation I was able to re-kindle my relationship with Christ.

I know forgiveness is not something just given one day. It is an ongoing process, where when you think of my transgressions you will have to choose to forgive over and over. I ask for your forgiveness for my many inequities. If we should run into each other at some point I will treat you with love, dignity and respect.

Sincerely and lovingly,
Me

[Mimi00]

I'd say the letter could be shorter, my opinion/edit on the FIL letter:

Dear FIL,

Part of my recovery program is to make a list of the people I have harmed and make direct amends when possible.

I write to you today to apologize for the emotional harm and embarrassment I caused you at several events we attended as a family. My behavior was unacceptable and there was no excuse for my not exerting self control in my drinking, for which my poor words and actions were the direct result.

You also lovingly opened your home to me and my interactions with K and your wife were not always carried out with the utmost respect that they deserved. I truly appreciated all of your generosity and the wisdom that you have extended to me over the years. I respect you as a great man who sacrificed his life to serve our country, along with the sacrifices you continue to make to provide the best for your family.

I know that no apology can erase the past, I can only let you know that moving forward I am committed to showing others love and respect at all times and I hope that one day you can forgive me.

Sincerely and with love,
Me

[KdogGS]

Mimi, thanks for your thoughts on the edit, I'll have to think over the things you wrote, I like a lot of them. A bit more generic and I don't include the part about insulting him. Thanks for the feedback!

[Mimi00]

My opinion/edit on the MIL letter, sorry I didn't put it all in one post:

Dear MIL,

I am currently in a recovery program and as part of the program I am to make a list of the people I have harmed and make direct amends where possible.

I write to you to apologize for my actions directly related to my drinking at various past events we attend as a family. I cannot imagine how it made you feel to be in the presence of your friends and family while I acted in a way that was not commendable.

I also want to say how very sorry I am for how I treated you once K and I moved to the area. At times I acted as if you were the source of our issues, but I now know the only person responsible for my happiness is me. You have every right to protect your daughter and I apologize for not showing respect at all times to you and FIL, regardless of my personal circumstance.

Your prayers and shared wisdom were instrumental in bringing me back to my faith and giving me a set of principles to live my life by. Where I am today is bitter-sweet, I have lost the relationships people I care for because of my past behaviors, but I have been able to re-kindle my relationship with Christ. For that, I thank you.

I know forgiveness is an ongoing process and I hope one day you can extend your grace towards me.

Sincerely and lovingly,
Me


***My thoughts on keeping them shorter are because I too wrote a letter once....detailing all the bad things I did and apologized for each. I was told that the majority of the things I apologized for had been forgotten. So my digging up the specifics was probably not needed as it did cause one to remember certain things and stir up old feelings that may have been overwhelming for the reader.

[Wonka]

KDog,

First...before you do anything...a question. What is your relationship with FIL and MIL? Do you still talk? Do you still interact? What does that look like to you?

[KdogGS]

The relationship before was good with FIL, it's been bad with MIL since we arrived here. MIL is a controller and rescuer and W has no problem being the victim. I'm getting that from the Triangle thing from my last thread that I read the article on about perpetrator, rescuer and victim.

In-laws and I do not talk anymore, but I do feel it necessary to apologize to them for things directly related to my drinking that they witnessed. FIL called me a week after BD because W had me write him a check for $400 the day she was leaving me. I also mailed him a card, thanking him for letting us stay and live with them when we arrived here. FIL called me to say he received the card, and that they still cared for me, but that was last contact. Also, FIL who is well off financially, cashed my $400 check knowing how is daughter played me and had me write it. Sort of showed me his character. Had it been me in that situation, I would not have cashed the check.

As far as the other things in the letter, I do think I need to apologize for them, but unsure if they should be in the same letter.

W thinks the sun rises and sets on her parents, especially MIL. Any future R with W would require making amends to family, specifically her Mother.

[labug]

KdogGS (just realized there are 2 gs in your sig)

I think your letters are good. I hesitate to say more because even tho I have my own 12-step experience, I'm not grounded enough in that to offer advice. This is a very personal thing and is about your recovery. It differs from DB but your recovery is the most important thing here.

Go with the advice of your sponsor.

Best of luck.

[Wonka]

KDog,

Thanks for the background information.

If I were you, I'd set aside these letters for a later time. Right now is a bad time to be sending these letters because things are very fragile with the W and getting involved with the ILs may very well make them spew at you since you didn't honor their wish for "last contact". That will not bring you closer to your goal. In fact, it will be a very serious setback for you.

What's important right now is to show consistent actions. When the situation with W and ILs improve much better down the road, then maybe consider sending them the letters.

For now, I'd suggest that you lay low for the time being.

My .02 cents.

[KdogGS]

Wonka,

Thanks for the advice, I was thinking along similar lines, that perhaps these would be better sent post divorce rather than now. The reasoning being if I send them now, it might be seen as manipulative or trying to influence the situation. If they are sent post divorce, they might be better received with less questioning as to my motivation. I think writing them was a good step, but I'll hold off on sending them as you noted.

[KdogGS]

Thanks labug, writing them was a good step for me. I am going to hold off on sending them until the divorce as finalized because I think Wonka makes some really valid points. They might not be received right now as solely for my recovery and it also may bring more pain to them now, so then it would not be advisable to send. I'll wait on sending anything since W did say that the happy birthday was from her and "her family" whatever that means and whoever that includes and whether that's true or not of course is unknown. I would have never thought W a liar, but through this process she has lied about simple things, like not returning my call because of cell phone service. Really? You weren't able to return it ever because of temporary bad service? Lies.